Monday, August 1, 2011

The Brewmaster's Task



Not only do you have to carefully measure out, blend and brew a mix of barley malt, rice, water, hops, yeast, tomato juice, salt, lime, and clam broth to create the finest pre-vomited beverage idiots will drink when other options are unavailable, but again you must use your wizardry to readjust the balance of these nine already perfectly matched ingredients to, let's say, empotion a lighter version for the slightly sharper mental deficients with the blessed awareness to realize they are too fat for that first drink.

34 comments:

Another Kiwi said...

That's it, it is the fecking endtimes!!
The Crapture is upon us!1!

Smut Clyde said...

the finest pre-vomited beverage idiots will drink when other options are unavailable

How does it compare with margarita mix and cranberry vodka?

If Budweiser follow the same production process as our fine local brewer DB, they have a continuous fermentation stream that produces a malt-&-sugar-based output with about 9% alcohol. They then water it down by various ratios and add varying amounts of hop extract, more sugar, caramel, salt and other flavourings to produce their entire production range.

DB are also proud of their proprietory bottom-fermenting yeast strain that has been selected to generate almost no esters that might interfere with the flavourings added at post-fermentation stages.

M. Bouffant said...

That stuff is popular w/ the Hispanic people in my 'hood, as we so colorfully call it.

I'd as soon drown in my own vomit as try some, but I've never had a Bloody Mary either, so what do I know?

Another Kiwi said...

In the 1970's, an era noted for it's decorousness and restraint, a major wine maker here noted the popularity of Duck a L'orange at various restaurants where they didn't mind him pressing his nose up against the window. He then decided to create an orange flavoured wine to go with the warehouses of ducks that were being orangified and for a while this wine was verrry popular in New Zild. But then the winemaker went on holiday and told no one where he was going just at the time when a shirtload was needed for Easter or some such.
So the marketing guys had to work out how to make the orange wine using orange food colouring which is how the original had been made. But their martini pickled senses were not up to the job and the resulting wine was so orangeified as to stain one's teeth.
Hilarity ensued.
What will happen when the head brewer goes on holiday from Budwiper?

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Interesting.

With over 250 million sold each year, the Caesar is Canada's most popular cocktail and of Canadian households that drink Caesars, 82% use Mott's Clamato as the base.
~

Smut Clyde said...

Oh dear, now AK has triggered memories of the pre-mixed Screwdriver that was sold and consumed in my university days. He will be hearing from my therapist.

Basically it was a by-product of the dairy industry. There was a lot of whey (left over from extracting casein from surplus milk), and the easiest way of disposing of this was to ferment the lactose into ethanol. Depending on the bottles they had on hand, this would be labelled as vodka or gin or brandy and sold to students. Or coloured bright orange with coal-tar dyes and called a screwdriver.

M. Bouffant said...

Oh, so the Canucks swill this crap as if there were no tomorrow, yet Mr. Substance McFOXNews uses a picture of BUD, not Mott's.

And thanks for the Beefamato link, Thunder.

If I may quote myself:

"Bent over/Doubled up/I did the vom in a blind guy's cup."

Substance McGravitas said...

Mott's is just the Clamato, and not the beer mix concoction.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

More information:

Producers of clam-tomato juices have speculated that their beverages been hampered by what they describe as the "clam barrier".

vacuumslayer said...

I'd rather OD on Jif!!!

tigris said...

Recent research has shown that slugs prefer Bud over all other beers, so I see this as an attempt at intensification of brand loyalty in the lucrative garden gastropod market segment.

Dragon-King Wangchuck said...

Here I was thinking that you were overstating the case. I mean clearly they just have a big vat of Bud and a big vat of Mott's and maybe a big empty vat with a paddle mixer in it. But no.

Bud and Clamato has the same alcohol content as Bud. So it is some bizarre arcane process where Le Budbrewmeister Extraordinaire has to tweak and tinker the mix until it's got that perfect flavour balance of piss and ketchup. Imagine all the tastings he had to do to get the recipe right!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

BAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFF

....mato.

Substance McGravitas said...

Plus salt and lime!

mikey said...

Good lord.

On the other hand, this will go very well with the generic scavenged dog food I'll be living on in the rubble of a burned out city somewhere on the west coast of what our ancestors called "America"...

Mandos said...

As a Canuck myself, but the non-alcohol-drinking kind, I absolutely adore Clamato juice, especially the extra spicy version, to which I add additional Tabasco sauce. Bloody Mary Mix is a poor substitute; I bring a bottle or two of it almost every time I return to the USA.

vacuumslayer said...

I actually have no issue with tomato and Clamato juice...it's the idea of mixing it with beer that triggers my gag reflex.

Substance McGravitas said...

I have, at times, enjoyed a Caesar. Clamato itself is not really the issue, but, um, how much clam juice is too much?

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

for me, just reading this post has brought me right up to the edge of "too much clam juice"

mikey said...

If we are speaking literally here and not euphemistically, I'm gonna go ahead and agree with my undead friend. I'll be needing no further clam juice...

Dragon-King Wangchuck said...

I'll be needing no further clam juice...

How will you make chowder?

vacuumslayer said...

With whale?


I have, at times, enjoyed a Caesar.

I had to look that up. Hey! A Bloody Mary! With clam! I'd try that. I'd try the fuck out of that.

vacuumslayer said...

BTW, I'd like you all to know that I've exercised great restraint by not making the dozen or so clam jokes I've been wanting to make. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Substance McGravitas said...

Clams are funny. It's an iron law of comedy, like the flat of a shovel to the face.

Smut Clyde said...

what they describe as the "clam barrier".

H.P. Lovecraft's working title was "Beyond the Clam Barrier of Sleep" but his editors requested a change. Not many people know that.

I have no problem with the clam part.
Scallop stout!
Not to mention more Oyster stouts than you can shake a sparger at. You're all being girls' blouses.

vacuumslayer said...

You're a soft and tender person, Substance. :D

Another Kiwi said...

This summer: Sausage, tomato sauce and bun beer. The BBQ experience inna can from your friends in modern lifestyle- Riddled Enterprises.

You do better, Capcha. lowspate indeed!

Jennifer said...

This is reminding me of Hop 'N Gator. Also a mistake.

Substance McGravitas said...

When will we have Filipino Spaghetti Beer?

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

I think the pre-mixed Clamato and beer-with-lime is clear cut evidence of the coming Amero.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

One of my first blog entries EVAR dealt with the Bloody Caesar. I still haven't tried one, but I think the best way to approach it would be to compare it with Manhattan clam chowder.

mikey said...

Dunedin?

Was that the noise when Muad'Dib used the Atreides family atomics to breach the Shield Wall?

Or maybe Gunga's little brother?

Though I mocked you and I teased you
And yer bloody Mum appeased you
You're a weaselly little pipsqueak, Dunedin

vacuumslayer said...

Well. I've never had Filipino food. Now I probably never will.

W/v is SO close. "Hotie"

Kathleen said...

I've BEEN to Dunedin!