Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Mindreading for Dummies

David Kahane has written another completely nutty article. In this one he pretends to be a liberal fearing that his fellows will upchuck the Kool-Aid. Frinstance:
I have a nightmare that you will read Machiavelli’s The Prince and realize that we got there way ahead of you.
Get it? Various other nightmares follow:
I have a nightmare that some of you are old enough to recall a time when the law was an honorable profession, the Constitution was not so deconstructed that, essentially, all that is left of it is the Commerce Clause, and your doctor charged a fee for service and made house calls.
No one can look back on the good old days and not think warmly of fees.
I have a nightmare that you’ll realize that, far from being a right-wing nut, Lee Harvey Oswald was a self-proclaimed Marxist who defected to the Soviet Union, came home with a Russian wife, agitated on behalf of Castro’s Cuba, tried to re-defect to Russia, returned to Dallas, brought his rifle to work, and killed JFK with a classic marksman’s shot group: miss, hit, kill.
News to me, I guess. You too?
I have a nightmare that eventually you will recall that, just a few years after the events depicted in Milk, the newly liberated gay community in San Francisco was decimated by AIDS.
Non sequitur or divine retribution? Your secret guilt will inform you.
I have a nightmare that you will finally understand what the Manchurian Candidate, “mmm mmm mmm / Barack Hussein Obama,” meant by “fundamental change.”
Can someone explain this one in comments?
I have a nightmare that we liberals won’t be able to stop Andrew Breitbart or any of the other maquis now shooting at us from every tree and from behind every rock, turning our own tactics against us, mocking us and rendering us frustrated and impotent.
Lost again. Andrew Breitbart is a French resistance fighter shooting at, um, YOU dear reader?
I have a nightmare that Sarah Palin will get the Republican nomination for president in 2012.
Okay, back to reality: RUN SARAH RUN. PUHLEEEEAAZE!

Punchline I suppose:
I have nightmare that . . .

Nah. Never happen. You’re too stupid.
America: DUMBEST COUNTRY ON EARTH.

21 comments:

M. Bouffant said...

My guess is that the typist wanted to link to the video, which is, of course, the creepiest thing ever recorded. You could see the very souls being sucked out of the youth as they were indoctrinated into anti-Christ worship.

Or, he just liked typing "mmm mmm mmm B. H. O.!"

Rusty Shackleblart said...

This guy is clearly going for the "My Right-Wing Dad" email-forwarding crowd. Probably get there, too, since the piece is bugfuck stupid.

tigris said...

I have a nightmare that we liberals won’t be able to stop Andrew Breitbart or any of the other maquis now shooting at us from every tree and from behind every rock, turning our own tactics against us, mocking us and rendering us frustrated and impotent.

GASP! They're in our base killin our d00dz!

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

a classic marksman’s shot group: miss, hit, kill.

Missing from the end of that sentence was his fap fap fapfapfap (splort).

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

mmm mmm mmm B. H. O.!"

So the Crash Test Dummies are trying a comeback with political music?

Substance McGravitas said...

Y'know if my penis ever makes a "splort" sound I think I will kill myself.

mikey said...

Oh shit. Now I'm worried.

I pick up religious broadcasting from Quito, Ecuador on my penis.

Jennifer said...

So the Crash Test Dummies are trying a comeback with political music?

lol

I will not even address the splort

You know, I'm not a shy person and I have a mind that probably goes places it shouldn't, and yet, in these comment threads, I always feel like I've taken the wrong turn and have ended up in the men's room...

capcha? spled... I think that comes after splort and is when you should call the dr.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

You know, I'm not a shy person and I have a mind that probably goes places it shouldn't, and yet, in these comment threads, I always feel like I've taken the wrong turn and have ended up in the men's room...


If only Mr. McGravitas would mop the place once in a while...
~

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Yes, teh House of Substance needs a substance-mopper.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

You know, I'm not a shy person and I have a mind that probably goes places it shouldn't, and yet, in these comment threads, I always feel like I've taken the wrong turn and have ended up in the men's room...

I agree. Most people wouldn't mention the Crash Test Dummies in polite company.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

GET TO THE CHOPPA!!!
~

Another Kiwi said...

Kavane's article is close to the most fucked in the head thing I've ever read. "The Screwtape Letters" is true?? Everything is the fault of Liberals and this includes Doctors not making housecalls? He doesn't mention his having to wear adult diapers but I guess that's implicit due to the scariness of his environment.
Who is in charge of the FEMA re-education camp nearest this guy? They should be informed!!

Substance McGravitas said...

Will people ever know if he winds up being imprisoned in Hardin's jail?

mikey said...

Only if he goes splort...

Another Kiwi said...

my friends the question for all of us to answer is "To Splort or to Galt"?? Is there any difference in the end products?

Mop needed in aisle 5

tigris said...

my friends the question for all of us to answer is "To Splort or to Galt"??

I'm gonna go Gort.

M. Bouffant said...

Gort: Klaatu Barada Nikto.

On topic, surprisingly enough:

Concern4Constitution| 9.28.09 @ 12:54PM

"mmm-mmmm-mmmm"

(I think they just passed a law that you have to say that anytime you use his full name)

Another Kiwi said...

Holy shit MB the fourth or so comment by 'Timothy L. Pennell' is a little scary.One hopes that his Mom gets him out of the cellar for some air time soon.

Substance McGravitas said...

Good thing Timothy commits such ravings to the internet, where all-powerful computers can flag it and him for disposal.

herr doktor bimler said...

Le maquis -- not a plural.
Not that I'm obsessive about pluralisation or anything.