News T&U Can Use

Let's mildly reorder Alexander Marlow's Big Hollywood complaint that THE SHEEN IS OFF:

Until this point, the libertarian in me was truly pulling for Sheen to continue sticking it to the Hollywood Man and fulfilling his own personal definition of #WINNING.

OMG, what could Charlie Sheen have done now? Did he take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut, injuring aged bystanders? Did he, um, get anybody fired? I mean, obviously you'd have to do something pretty bad to get a libertarian-minded gentleman to say "WHOA CHARLIE!" right? Did he sniff all the available liberty up his nose?

There follows an appreciation of Sheen's habits, talents, worth to CBS, and ability to show up to do his job. Also:

And besides, Money Talks alone should earn the man the benefit of the doubt.

Of course! The true measure of utility! Why shouldn't Sheen be able to do what he wants to do simply because he is rich? He could be peeing on crucifixes and burning flags and aborting babies and NOBODY WOULD CARE. This underscores how awful the latest horror must be.

It isn’t black and white, of course, and I don’t mean to defend him–I would love to say that Sheen is only hurting himself, but he has a family, including children, and you can’t just go around trapping porn stars in hotel bathrooms.

True enough, Marlow, but let's stop drawing out this making-you-look-stupid game and see what new outrage has hurt Sheen's familyincludingchildren. According to my sources, it started with this:

“Nothing terrifies a troll more than its own reflection,” Sheen continues, before shifting gears into politics. “In a recent poll, they told me I’d bring down that whore [Sarah] Palin. I don’t have time for that nonsense.”

And then he sucked the innards out of a cute penguin with a sharpened crack pipe, right?

But what I will say is that I’m disappointed that Sheen, a star who I thought did everything in his power to buck the establishment, has embraced the single most pathetic cliché in Hollywood today: bagging on the mother of five with some of the most caustic words imaginable.

Okay, then, nothing else, just the mean word.

Well look, calling Sarah Palin a whore is sexist and dumb and we here at the House of Substance do not endorse such behaviour and we hope that Sheen's loved ones can put this tragic episode behind them and eventually forgive their wayward wife-beating crackhead for this not-at-all-characteristic-of-crazy-misogynist-lunatics outburst.

The most pathetic cliché in politics today is anyone using the word "libertarian" for any reason at all.