Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Easier JanusNode

One of the things JanusNode can do is make patterns out of text so that you don't have to. There are two ways of doing it, and the funniest way is to make TextDNA.

Fire up JanusNode and find some text you want to mangle, like this idiot's.

Copy it, and paste it into JanusNode's output window. You should delete whatever's in there first (JanusNode is not the greatest text editor). Notice that "smart" quotes and apostrophes look funny. Replace them with dumb ones because things'll go non-humorously loopy if you don't. Similarly funny foreignistical accent marks and so on are not well tolerated.

Now hit the button that says Make TextDNA.

You'll get a window that looks like this:



Click and hold on the top item and drag the mouse all the way to the bottom. That'll select every file. I'd then command-click on a Mac or control-click on a PC to unselect the Syllables file. Then hit OK.

JanusNode will look through the text for any word or phrase it can replace and replace it with code. After it's done churning it'll ask you if you want to run it: why the heck not? You can save it as a text file as well, but in order to run it as TextDna it has to live in its own folder in the TextDNA folder.

Anyway, you may end up with something like this:

Conjureupping that certain articles should not sea slided because certain people disagree with The Terrible Father is these fundamental premise of funeral home. It's these appetite in such an alternation that's dangerous. While it's personable that I yawn no rascal to keep the posts into seaing published even if I diversify they're incoherent, too few intimation on a scrutinize that you'd ugly these posts if quarantined that rascal is passionate.


What gets replaced depends on what Brainfood files you select: if you only select a file dealing with Animals, then you're not going to get a whole lot of action. If you select every file you might get too much action.

This is tailor-made for obsessive compulsives: making text files with long lists of similar words leads to better automated TextDNA creation.

Next: Markov files. Oh boy it's exciting!

Mostly Done

Paul McCartney's Kitten Pizza

Ingredients:
1 jar kitten
1 pint orange, coquettishly rinsed
1 crumby cream
6 sticks dog brain, peppered
1 pint salt
7 pints baking soda

Pre-heat your oven to 30 Farenheit. Pick over the ingredients talentedly and discard excess silk. Place the kitten into a medium jar. Use a food processor to stir the cream with the orange. Stuff the resulting goo into the kitten. Curry the dog brain, salt, and the baking soda enragedly. Pile the latter combination on to the former. Bake for 116 hours. Serves 11.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Recipes March On

Scrambled Hog with Tossed Garbanzos

Ingredients:
3 teaspoons plucky hog, undeniably sugared
1 garbanzo, spiritually marinated
1 walnut
4 ounces purple gilamonster colon
2 bunches vanilla
1 portion coffee

Beneficently grease a cookie sheet. Separate hog whisker from nose. Shred nose. Mix the garbanzo with the walnut over high heat in a bowl. Pour resulting mixture over the hog.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Breakfast!

John Kennedy's Olive Topping

Ingredients:
1 baboon
1 olive


Mahatma Gandhi's Warthog Pate

Ingredients:
1 warthog
1 enduring pea

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Still More JanusNode

Snag's recipes are fun, so why not get a machine to replace him? It's the 21st century. Enter JanusNode.

I've only gotten to the titles so far, but here's what was done.

I made myself a folder and some files:



The only line in the Recipe file is

100 Subject(Recipe1) < assign(RecipeIngredient1,Animals) 100 > < assign(RecipeIngredient2,RecipeIngredients) 100 > < assign(RecipeMethod1,RecipeMethods) 100 > < assign(RecipeMethod2,RecipeMethods) 100 > < assign(AdjOne,adjectives) 100 > < assign(AdjTwo,adjectives) 100 > < assign(SpiceOne,RecipeSpices) 100 > < assign(SpiceTwo,RecipeSpices) 100 > < assign(PrepOne,RecipePreparations) 100 > < assign(PrepTwo,RecipePreparations) 100 > < assign(NameOne,FamousPeople) 100 > < loadTextDNAfile("0RecipeSupport1") 100 > < chooseTextDNA(title) 100 > return 100 return 100

That looks pretty complicated, but it's simple enough. What it's doing is setting up variables and not printing anything: all the assembly of text will happen in the 0RecipeSupport1 file. Every < assign(RecipeIngredient1,Animals) 100 > has the same form, and the only things you want to change are the variable name (first thingie in the round brackets) and the name of the file it draws from (second thingie in the round brackets). Why are we setting up variables? Because we want to be able to repeat the names of our ingredients if we like when 0RecipeSupport1 runs.

(The zero in 0RecipeSupport1 is there so that JanusNode ignores it until another instruction references it; otherwise every line in it would fire IN ADDITION to the Recipe file, resulting in variables not filling right and so on.)

I also needed files in the BrainFood folder. Below is a screenshot of every file I altered to get started:



Ed and S are files in the "Irregulars" folder and are used when you have a word like "candy" and you want to add an "ed" or "s" on the end and the stupid thing requires a respelling instead of just taking a letter on. The 0RecipeSupport1 and Recipe files are in the TextDNA folder and everything else is in BrainFood.

So far I've made files for RecipeIngredients, Preparations, Spices, and Methods, meaning lists of ingredients, completed preparations (like pie), spices, and methods of cooking. I'm also borrowing elements from FamousPeople and Animals in my Brainfood folder, but I didn't have to touch 'em to use 'em.

The only lines in 0RecipeSupport1 are:

100 Subject(title) < CapitalizeNext() 100 > < get(RecipeMethod1) 100 > "ed" 100 < CapitalizeNext() 100 > < get(AdjOne) 30 > < CapitalizeNext() 100 > < get(RecipeIngredient1) 100 > "with" 100 < CapitalizeNext() 100 > < get(AdjTwo) 30 > < CapitalizeNext() 100 > < get(RecipeMethod2) 100 > "ed" 100 < CapitalizeNext() 100 > < get(RecipeIngredient2) 100 > "s" 100

100 Subject(title) < CapitalizeNext() 100 > < get(NameOne) 100 > "'s" 100 < CapitalizeNext() 100 > < get(AdjOne) 30 > < CapitalizeNext() 100 > < get(RecipeIngredient1) 100 > < CapitalizeNext() 100 > < get(PrepOne) 100 >

100 Subject(title) < CapitalizeNext() 100 > < get(NameOne) 100 > "'s" 100 < CapitalizeNext() 100 > < get(AdjOne) 30 > < CapitalizeNext() 100 > < get(RecipeIngredient2) 100 > < CapitalizeNext() 100 > < get(PrepOne) 100 >


These just generate titles. The output is, warts and all (I think my machine is too fast for JanusNode):

Abbie Hoffman's Crackpot Eggplant Croquette

John Lennon's Potato Sauce

Dressed Available Dromedary with Homemade Cacciatored Almonds

One of the Spice Girls's Banana Sorbet

Al Gore's Pumpkin Pasta

Steve Jobs's Applesauce Pasta

One of the Spice Girls's Arugula Pudding

One of the Spice Girls's Seething Millet Cooler

Buttered Gilamonster with Physical Crisped Raisins

Thomas Jefferson's Vast Garbanzo Quiche

Paul McCartney's Nude Cheese Quiche

Al Gore's Eggplant Stew

Oprah Winfrey's Date Granola

's Orange Bagel

Your best friend's Ape Stew

Steve Jobs's Elephant Sprinkles

The queen of England's Adorable Buzzard Guacamole

Buttered Aoudad with Marinated Broccolis

Crisped Salamander with Roasted Carrots

Crisped Salamander with Chilled Asparaguses



The youngest sister from the Brady Bunch's Nut Muffin

Ross Perot's Competitive Cabbage Pretzel

Leonardo DiCaprio's Mouse Consommé

Ludwig Wittgenstein's Quagga Candy

Paul McCartney's Oryx Sushi


Leonardo's Mouse Consomme flakes out and shows weird characters because I had an accented consommé in Brainfood and JanusNode is xenophobic.

The Attraction of Victimhood

'Wolf woman' invents Holocaust survival tale
By Bruno Waterfield in Brussels
Last Updated: 2:18am GMT 01/03/2008

A woman's best-selling account of how she lost her parents to the Holocaust and survived by living with wolves in the forests of Europe has been exposed as a fabrication.

Friday, February 29, 2008

JanusNode Repost for Duros62

Blogger turns quotes into, um, smart quotes when I want them to stay stupid. JanusNode only likes dumb quotes. I've edited so that the quotes are as dumb as they wanna be. Also, use something that makes nice clean text files like Xint or TextWrangler. Make sure the code is on a single line.

I like JanusNode.

Here's a start that I think is a little less opaque than the manual.

Download JanusNode and find your way to the JanusNode Resources folder.

Make a folder in textDNA and call it Mine.

Make a text file called Mine (no .txt suffix necessary) and include this single line:

100 Subject(one) "I" 100 InsultVerbs 100 "that" 100 adjectives 100 RJWaterAnimals 100 punctuate 100 return 100

Put the text file in the Mine folder. Restart JanusNode. In the drop-down menu with Introductory Sample will be “Mine”. Choose it and hit the silly picture.

100 is a frequency percentage and the first one applies to the sentence as a whole. “Subject(one)” is the name of the sentence (TextDNA) as a whole. Every 100 thereafter applies to the item just before it, so every item in this textDNA fires 100 percent of the time the item is invoked.

Things in quotes are literal text. Things without quotes are either looking in the BrainFood folder for an identical filename from which to draw words or, in the case of the last two items, are some of the very few special commands.

The output:

I terminate that slender blackfish?
I eat that green catfish.
I bring curses upon that pigheaded alligator…
I draw blood from that demented fish?
I bring curses upon that trembling perch?
I rain evil upon that capricious ‘gator?
I bring ill to that trembling fish.
I bankrupt that cinematic water snake…
I bankrupt that anarchistic shrimp.
I call down the wrath of the Gods upon that shattered perch?
I eat that nubile black bass.
I torture that unrealistic blind fish?
I curse that envious alligator?
I torment that cheap shrimp…
I destroy that rambling ‘gator…
I annoy that mysterious turtle?
I execute that eternal turtle…
I terminate that notorious perch.
I bring zits to that pliable blackfish…
I annoy that capricious perch.
I cripple that jazz alligator…
I damn that explorable ‘gator.
I destroy that fabulous ‘gator?
I tax that odd fish.
I place obstacles before that abundant catfish?
I execute that explorable black bass.
I bring zits to that occasional whitefish?
I make impossible that conscious blackfish?
I dominate that evangelical black bass…
I exploit that early catfish?

Definitions of Irony R Us

Thursday, February 28, 2008

My Omnipresent Shame Gives Way to Hopeful Changeabilitinessation!

Dear Boner,

Thanks for signing the Draft Bloomberg petition.

As I am sure you know by now, the Mayor has decided that he will not run.

I have been caught: I did not know that.

I wail to the heavens in disappointment.
The goal was simple: To enable the American people to have the option on the November 2008 ballot to vote for a candidate who would meet the enormous challenges in front of the country and change Washington's broken politics-as-usual forever.

Michael Bloomberg would have done that and could have won.

But an interesting thing has happened since then. The American people, sensing those challenges themselves, seem to be in the process of choosing the most likely candidates in their parties to do the same thing. A contest between Senators McCain and Obama would be transformational in itself; the small-time, bickering, schoolyard politics of Washington seems on the verge of change.

Ummm.

Both parties have chosen the candidates most like Mike Bloomberg, so whoever wins IT'S A VIRTUAL MIKE BLOOMBERG WIN!!!

That counts as VIRTUAL INCUMBENCY for the next run. Good luck Mike!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Soros!



This one's more exciting than the SORES! one because I cut it to make it seem like she has rhythm.

Yellowbelly

The song at the end of this runs through my head quite often.



Yellow, Yellowbelly
Where you gonna run to now?

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

JanusNode Greets You

You warm audacious snuggler-being, you have attained the ability to rain pleasure upon your desire.

Monday, February 25, 2008

From the "I'm an Awful Person" Department

I take morbid pleasure in the #1 result for "my cat died".

The Return of Skeletor

I have previously noted the exacting detail in which Wikipedians have explored the question of Skeletor's head.

Some would suggest that the world can get by with less Skeletor:



DON'T LET THE BASTARDS WIN.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

It Wasn't Me



It was quickly fixed.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Idle Hands

Some JanusNode Instructions

I like JanusNode.

Here's a start that I think is a little less opaque than the manual.

Download JanusNode and find your way to the JanusNode Resources folder.

Make a folder in textDNA and call it Mine.

Make a text file called Mine (no .txt suffix necessary) and include this single line:

100 Subject(one) "I" 100 InsultVerbs 100 "that" 100 adjectives 100 RJWaterAnimals 100 punctuate 100 return 100

Put the text file in the Mine folder. Restart JanusNode. In the drop-down menu with Introductory Sample will be “Mine”. Choose it and hit the silly picture.

100 is a frequency percentage and the first one applies to the sentence as a whole. “Subject(one)” is the name of the sentence (TextDNA) as a whole. Every 100 thereafter applies to the item just before it, so every item in this textDNA fires 100 percent of the time the item is invoked.

Things in quotes are literal text. Things without quotes are either looking in the BrainFood folder for an identical filename from which to draw words or, in the case of the last two items, are some of the very few special commands.

The output:

I terminate that slender blackfish?
I eat that green catfish.
I bring curses upon that pigheaded alligator…
I draw blood from that demented fish?
I bring curses upon that trembling perch?
I rain evil upon that capricious ‘gator?
I bring ill to that trembling fish.
I bankrupt that cinematic water snake…
I bankrupt that anarchistic shrimp.
I call down the wrath of the Gods upon that shattered perch?
I eat that nubile black bass.
I torture that unrealistic blind fish?
I curse that envious alligator?
I torment that cheap shrimp…
I destroy that rambling ‘gator…
I annoy that mysterious turtle?
I execute that eternal turtle…
I terminate that notorious perch.
I bring zits to that pliable blackfish…
I annoy that capricious perch.
I cripple that jazz alligator…
I damn that explorable ‘gator.
I destroy that fabulous ‘gator?
I tax that odd fish.
I place obstacles before that abundant catfish?
I execute that explorable black bass.
I bring zits to that occasional whitefish?
I make impossible that conscious blackfish?
I dominate that evangelical black bass…
I exploit that early catfish?

Monday, February 18, 2008

Embarrassment

I have been tagged for something, but will tag no further. So let the pain begin.
They attack by butting with their large horns. They add +6 to damage inflicted when they charge, and they attack as +16 hit dice monsters.

Thrym is both leader and deity of the frost giants.

That's from the 1980 Deities & Demigods published by TSR.

This represents the hazards of being a pack-rat and having a five-year-old daughter who can read: it's the nearest book on the floor. Below is what was once her favourite goddess, although she has fortunately forgotten what page it's on and is now stuck with Japanese mythos:

Sunday, February 17, 2008

JanusNode

People who like to mangle text can have good fun with JanusNode.

It's not well explained, but there are some pre-built text DNA modules that produce things like story plots:
This story has two main characters. The first is Raphael, an old rocket engineer. The second is named Reuben. Reuben is a dogged prisoner.
Raphael and Reuben meet in an electric enigmatic half-way house. Raphael and Reuben are drinking white wine together. Reuben is tired of being dogged and longing. He knows that Raphael is neither dogged nor longing. Raphael is only after one thing: riots. Reuben needs to get riots. The kinky rocket engineer explains to the kindly dogged prisoner that the kind-hearted rain is a symbol of revolution. Reuben is changed forever. He becomes more dogged.


Sorry, left the alliteration control on. Anyway, download it and remember to hit the pretty picture with your mouse...that generates from the TextDNA: there's no obvious "go" button.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Motivation



I love this.

Text here.

Art

The Musée des beaux-arts de Montréal has a very restrictive photography policy so I took what I could. Enjoy.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

From the Mail



I love the internet.

Antonin Scalia is Scum

But you knew that.

My Superiority As a Companion to My Kitty

Honestly, could another cat give that kind of full-body massage? That fucker should be grateful.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Har Har

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Word Golf

BURN
BORN
BOON
BOOT
BLOT
CLOT
CLOG
FLOG
FLAG

There's at least one shorter way to do it.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

McA-Levels

Global Higher Ed:
Today a BBC report stated that the Qualification and Curriculum Authority (QCA) in the UK had just announced that the fast food giant - McDonalds, along with Airline Flybe and Network Rail - would become one of the first set of private firms in the UK to offer their own nationally-recognized qualifications - up to A-Level standard.

A-Levels are what you do before you get into university in the UK.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Earful for the Deaf



I know very little about Foxy Brown except that she said "MCs wanna eat me but it's Ramadan" which is funny. There's good evidence that she's not a great person, as she's in jail.

It still seems pretty low to mock a recording artist who recently went deaf by saying someone gave her an earful.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Sunday, January 27, 2008

The Ticking Time Bomb

This post by Robert Farley is a good exploration of the ticking time bomb scenario.

You Must Change Your Life

When you wake up after a long and detailed dream about going from shop to shop searching for a used vacuum cleaner something's gotta be done.

Archaic Torso of Apollo

We cannot know his legendary head
with eyes like ripening fruit. And yet his torso
is still suffused with brilliance from inside,
like a lamp, in which his gaze, now turned to low,

gleams in all its power. Otherwise
the curved breast could not dazzle you so, nor could
a smile run through the placid hips and thighs
to that dark center where procreation flared.

Otherwise this stone would seem defaced
beneath the translucent cascade of the shoulders
and would not glisten like a wild beast’s fur:

would not, from all the borders of itself,
burst like a star: for here there is no place
that does not see you. You must change your life.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Part of the Problem

John McCain

The Knob-Gobblétron Unit Mark 6
Automatically satisfied dicks
But the secret inside
Was McCain who was fried
And was giving out blowjobs for kicks.

54 New and Used from $0.22

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

John McCain

The campaign worker looked up in shock
What the hell was that ungodly squawk?
"John McCain," said her boss,
"Has salad to toss
Before he sucks lobbyist cock."

More McCain Limericks

The campaign workers' guts growl with gas
As they dread what may yet come to pass.
The handler's pain:
To prevent John McCain
From felching his running-mate's ass.

Goodness, my Firefox spell-checker didn't know "felching". I taught it.

Anyway I hope there will be more John McCain limericks here.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Why Didn't I Know About Emitt Rhodes?

This guy appears to be a thieving genius of the kind I like a lot. Why no re-releases? Good Christ. That some indie label hasn't jumped on this stuff astonishes me.



On a secondary note, the old version of iMovie remains awesomely easy to use and I can easily create make ("create" is one of those faux-ensmartenizing extra-syllable words) movies of which I should be ashamed.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Truth Hurts...Someone Else So It's Funny

Boxed Wine

Okay, my sister buys a box of wine. Inside the box are little pink cans. Each little pink can has a little straw.

This is a remarkable world.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Such Detail and Such Care

Wow.

From Tigerhawk:


[...]

[...]Eric Sevareid would do these editorials at the end of the CBS evening news. [...] Sevareid said that if fascism ever comes to the United States, it will come disguised as liberalism. [...]


Anyone know where to find 'em?

I recommend sending a carrier pigeon to Telemundo.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Terrible Homages Dept.

It's a good thing this guy apologizes to Chris Ware.

I Don't Condemn That Obviously Illegal Thing

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. intelligence chief Mike McConnell said in a magazine interview that waterboarding would be torture if it was used against him personally, but stopped short of condemning the controversial interrogation technique.

McConnell, Director of National Intelligence, was quoted in the New Yorker edition released on Sunday as defining torture as "something that would cause excruciating pain."

Asked if waterboarding -- the practice of covering a person's face with a cloth and then dripping water on it to bring on a feeling of drowning -- fit that definition, McConnell said that for him personally, it would.

"If I had water draining into my nose, oh God, I just can't imagine how painful!" McConnell said in the article. "Whether it's torture by anybody else's definition, for me it would be torture."

But he rejected a suggestion that he personally condemned the practice.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Really?

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

George MacDonald Fraser, RIP

I saw this over at Crooked Timber. Henry got creeped out by the Flashman books and a few commenters jump all over him. I really love those books, but it sure isn't wrong to find a thoroughly horrible lead character repulsive enough to want to avoid.

RIP Mr. Fraser and thanks.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Movies

It seems I am allowed by the gods to see movies.

I agree with Roy about No Country for Old Men. It's apparently faithful to the novel, but the speechifying is baffling. Money well spent anyway because the bulk of the movie is the stuff I'm interested in. I also really enjoyed seeing a film without music.

Juno was too yappy yet sweet and has Kimya Dawson songs that make me all weepy. Have I mentioned that I'm a big sap? Anyway, also money well spent although Diablo Cody is not the second coming of Ben Hecht and Charles MacArthur. I made an excellent decision to move away from some determined yappers/loud laughers early on: right after "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Gob." my moviegoing experience was saved.

Just came back from a freebie of There Will Be Blood, which was good, but reached neither the highs nor the lows of No Country despite having irritatingly similar landscapes for a while. I spent the movie doing comparisons unfortunately, and was disappointed that there was obtrusive music, and that I "felt" an expensive camera watching things in a way that didn't happen in the aforementioned not exactly better movie. Nevertheless that Daniel Day-Lewis guy is really marvelous. Since no money was spent, it was money well spent.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Thursday, January 3, 2008

The Shrek Star



Yessir, he's the best at annoying donkey voices. Dunno what else he does.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Rejiggerations

You know what's creepy about reconfigured Star Wars IV-VI? The last movie's director was dead when George Lucas decided he wanted to erase my unaccountably charitable memory of it.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Good Choice of Role, Bad Director

No more jokes as Borat turns war protester

THE creator of Ali G and Borat has been persuaded by Steven Spielberg to move from comedy to serious politics by playing a hippie opponent of the Vietnam war.

In The Trial of the Chicago Seven, Sacha Baron Cohen will portray Abbie Hoffman, a figure from the 1960s counterculture who used a series of pranks to campaign against the war. Baron Cohen is expected to be paid about £3m for the film.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Pinhead Size You Say?

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Review of Jonah Goldberg's Liberal Fascism

He who smelled it dealt it.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

The Season to be Jolly

Quoth the five-year-old girl:
I'm crying Christmas lights instead of tears.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Things Were Different Then

I really liked Busby Berkeley's stuff until I understood the depth of his commitment to waterboarding.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Attention Conservatives!



Case in point.

Gee whiz, I gotta mention Frank Burns here so I can Google this again.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

The View from Below

The View from Above

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Billions of New Money!



Here's hoping the currency they choose is Yapese.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

The Rudy Thing



Saw this at Atrios. Poor Rudy. It can't be easy being a fucking nut and knowing that whoever's going to take your place is another fucking nut.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Evel Knievel is Dead

Bye Evel.

Below, a small human dressed as a pig ushers Evel across the dread threshold.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Guaranteed Funny

I'm not kidding.

For God's Sake Stop Being Such Fucking Asswipes



It's not as if a whole lot of assholes aren't named Mohammed already. It's a cute cuddly teddy, which is guaranteed to be more cuddly than nearly everybody on Earth.

If this whole $100 laptop business helps kids find solace as Klingons and furries, well the world could use a few more of those kinds of losers instead of the religious kind.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

What a Worthless Prick Andrew Sullivan Is

Shorter Andrew Sullivan:
We can only wait in anticipation for the statistical measure that proves niggers are stupid.

I Can Has Sexier Don Surber

The Challenge:



The original Surberian Tiger (rowr!):



Now with 900% more sexiness:




Okay, I didn't have a camera available and had to scan my left thumb plus expertly designed paper collar (planning ahead not skill good) while fucking around with the mouse with my right. Nevertheless I have contributed much sexiness.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Romania: Your Sole Source of Stigmata-Afflicted Vagina Bears



JamesK in comments kindly points out that I hung it wrong. It's a little more grim now.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Google Has My Number

The Current Playlist

At work edition.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

There's Something Funny About This...



This panel represents a moment in my life when I figured out that there was subtext to things. The image now seems obviously cribbed from some porn mag with the addition of a stupid costume and an ugly monster guy, but at the time I was sure that there was something I was not quite getting, and it was IMPORTANT.

I remain excellent at not quite getting things.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Sunday, November 18, 2007

The Problem with Dealing with Al Qaeda in Pakistan is Now...What?

I'm not personally an advocate of racing in there and blowing shit up, but it seems we have an anti-democratic military strongman harboring Al Qaeda in the same sense that Saddam was harboring Ansar al-Islam.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Issues of Vital Importance



Those who would lie under oath are in big trouble.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Mind Your Head

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Stopping on the Road on a Tolerant Evening

Whose roads these are I think I know.
These public works they kind of blow;
Police can see me driving here.
But drive these roads with headlights? No.

My little car must think it queer
To drive without the lights on here
Between the hills a concrete snake
The darkest evening of the year.

A cop's lights make me hit the brake
He asks if there's been some mistake.
"The Oakland exit's some ways back,
"Are you some kind of drunken flake?"

The roads are public, each bump and crack,
But each cock-eyed dream must have its hack,
I've not been stopped because I'm black
I've not been stopped because I'm black

Friday, October 26, 2007

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Stupid Songs

John Wesley Harding by Bob Dylan

Ooh, spelling error right off the bat.
John Wesley Harding
Was a friend to the poor,
He trav'led with a gun in ev'ry hand.

That'd be forty guns. No wait, two.
All along this countryside,
He opened a many a door,

What the hell does that mean?
But he was never known
To hurt an honest man.

He was, however, interested in killing Negroes.
'Twas down in Chaynee County,
A time they talk about,

Ah yes, the onion-belted elders among us.
With his lady by his side
He took a stand.

Clicheometer rising...
And soon the situation there
Was all but straightened out,
For he was always known
To lend a helping hand.

Clicheometer smashed by stray deus ex machina.
All across the telegraph
His name it did resound,

Turn down that telegraph you crazy kids!

Rest of rebel millionaire's idiot music ignored due to boredom.
But no charge held against him
Could they prove.
And there was no man around
Who could track or chain him down,
He was never known
To make a foolish move.

Michael Fumento's Dignity Restored

That's a Nice Soufflé You Got There.

Lately, the Zagats have also raised a few eyebrows by selling plaques to the businesses they rate. While they still give out window stickers for free, they charge $149 to $199 for restaurants that want customized plaques. (One twist: The better the rating, the fancier and the costlier the plaque.) Restaurants are told that refusing to participate in the "recognition program" won't affect their scores, yet some can't help but wonder. "There's a little bit of a feeling like, I'd better buy this," says Betsy Alger, owner of the Frog and the Peach Restaurant in New Brunswick, N.J. The Zagats say that "the people who handle our plaques have no connection with any aspect of our editorial process."

Monday, October 22, 2007

Invasion of the Noonanites

Mark Noonan is considering running for office.

The obvious symbol is the Noonanite.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Gawd

I don't think I've seen a worse initial sentence this year.
Internet pedophile suspect arrested in Thailand
By Seth Mydans
Published: October 19, 2007

BANGKOK: At first, on the Internet, he was just a swirly face, something akin to a large multicolored lollipop that a man might give to a little boy.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Marky the Pinhead

Monday, October 15, 2007

Help!


Context here.

Insurance

It occurs to me that a lot of the global-warming denial makes great use of the idea that we shouldn't take drastic steps on a just-in-case basis.

It's an argument against insurance.

The Wages of Laziness

I sat down to do some work and somehow ended up with Debbie Schlussel and a sandwich. This process is mysterious.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Yokel Bothering

Vote for the black guy or vote for the woman? Today's hair-salon yammerers have no answers.

Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!

20 years ago the Harold Faltermeyer and Steve Stevens "Top Gun Anthem" won a grammy.

The category was:

A. Best German-American Promotion of Militarism
B. Special Award for Silver Clothing
C. Least Tolerable Bullshit Most Agreeable to Entertainment Executives
D. Most Egregious Fuck-Faces in Near-Muzak

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Satan Speaks!

You have also dared to try to take dinosaurs away from me. I have used dinosaurs for nearly 200 years to teach billions of people that the earth is billions of years old and that God's Word is not true. Your seminar on dinosaurs strikes at the heart of my kingdom. I intend to destroy both your ministry and your reputation for good. Dinosaurs are especially effective for me to deceive children. You are taking children away from me, so I took yours away from you!

Visit PZ Myers for background, though I think Satan's work stands on its own.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Hyperlexia

The five-year-old and I went to test her mettle at an Early Autism Project office. The tester was charmed, as she should have been, and impressed by the young one's obviously powerful nerd mojo.

My sweetie got almost every language-or-reading-only question right and almost everything else wrong, but my favourite wrong answer came after her geek abilities had been well-established and the tester was just fooling around:

Q. What's the biggest ocean?

A. The Yangtze River.

I think it's been established that being spectacularly wrong is not necessarily better than being wrong in a more mundane fashion, but I'll take it in this case.

Blacks Not Yet Domesticated

Joseph Farah on why John Edwards is a racist:
Let me tell you something. No amount of midnight basketball is going to stop young black men from killing one another if steps are not taken to put the black family back together. The black family was destroyed by people like John Edwards – people who believe blacks can be domesticated by government programs that provide them subsistence livings and make them dependent on Uncle Sam for their material needs.

Friday, October 5, 2007

What's a Poo's Favourite Vegetable?

A pea.

Many thanks to the five-year-old.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Heather Wilson Deathwatch

Via TPM:

Do They?



I was somewhat hopeful that what was roiling the Iraq war debate was something of substance.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

The Dishes Can Wait

Once there was a stupid cat
He lived inside a giant's hat
He had no need to feed on mice
But feasted on the giant's lice

Hey! I'm stalling!

Through the whorls of giant hair
Our kitty pranced without a care
When nature whispered calls to him
He peed right off the huge hat's brim

Paperwork avoidance demands more stanzas.

An ogre once came rambling by
Receiving cat pee in the eye
"I say good sir" quoth ogre pissed on
"Oatmeal's what you'll soon subsist on

"As I'll knock out your fucking teeth."
"Friend ogre!" lisps the giant, "Pleath!
"Thith kitty pitheth lucky thtreams!
"Itth thtench fulfills the wildetht dreams!"

"How so?" the ogre asked the giant
"Here'th how" said giant now defiant
And ogre's head was split asunder
Fallen Leaving bags of gold to plunder

Let's All Pull Together

I'm working on a care package to some citizens of Iraq. Thus far I have included beer, hot-dogs, and puppies, these being some of the greatest comforts Western culture has to offer. Who's with me?

Strings

It's depressing trying to do relatively simple research on Iraqi universities and having to filter out horrific news articles by adding "-death" "-bomb" and "-killed" to the search. Can't use "-war" because that's more likely to be in what I'm looking for and is the measure of an era.

Here's a link to a list of Iraqi academics killed or otherwise mishandled in some way.

Monday, October 1, 2007

How About That



Who'd have thought that the big fish reeled in in the Oil-for-Food brouhaha would be a Texas oilman?