Latest CD For the Car

Fancy people have things that play mp3s for 'em, but I have to be content with ONLY 25 NEW SONGS TO LISTEN TO. What is this, the stone age?

All Hail Sky Cat

My cat leapt from my balcony to a nearby tree and then to another balcony two floors below.

Next time I'm sending him with a note asking for a cup of sugar.

Four More Ears!

Might Makes Righteous

When I was poor I went to the local skid-row church after drinking at the local dive because you could get free hot-dogs and pop while they harangued you about the usual bullshit. There I saw the female member of The Power Team (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) and she did her bits, which were HILARIOUS.

Anyway, the best part was the summary of her act in which she told a story about Jesus from the Christian apocrypha, which riled the locals who started yelling "NO HE DIDN'T!" She yelled back "YES HE DID!" and won the argument, as people who break ice-blocks with their foreheads often do.

Smash Head on Desk

Old Shit Life or New Shit Life?

What an odd thing to go to a party with a former bandmate and run into old acquaintances, all of them working shit jobs while I lucked into my good one.

They were all, however, much more interesting than I am. I do miss the struggling Bohemian lifestyle, but having a child precludes destroying my earning potential with the whim to be, oh, an acrobat or rock star.

Verse to Curse

Haiku of Townhall.

Includes:

Kathleen Parker

Men’s health? Women’s health?
It’s a zero-sum game, peeps!
So … weiner-take-all!

Fortunately A Gentleman Saved Her

Ogden Knish

Q-Tips are part of the human condition
An aid in pursuing de-earwaxing missions.
When you think one's used up it's still got one side more
But they're disgusting yucky when spotted alone on the floor.

Matt Furey: Universal Scourge

I dunno who this guy is, but a two-year-old thread involving him evidently upsets him people.

Internet thrills are cheap.

The Japanese Can Always Cheer Me Up

Career Change

When the time comes to really help my fellow man, I can think of no better way than to learn my medical technician's skills at the

Black Wires

Like a yokel congressman hates the NEA, I too can hate art. The Philamedelphia Artsy Whatchamadooey hosts this monstrosity, which must be carefully guarded against Archie Andrews and a big ladder. Can't recall its provenance, but clearly the artist didn't choose his transformers wisely. Yes, it's a shit photo, but the subject matter was just not that important.



On the other hand I'm awfully fond of this crazy bullshit called Circles in a Circle painted by Wassily Kandinsky in 1923. Yet it's still a shit photo:

Ad Hominem

Dumb...



...and dumber.

Angels

Via Pharyngliualallalla:



I guess my favourite thing about these angels and their AFAIK predecessors Orbs is the democratic nature of the mystical experience - with evidence! - afforded to those with a camera and without a brain.

UFOs, cryptozoological stuff, ghosts...all these need quite a bit of luck/preparation before you can get all wide-eyed and corner passers-by with drooling raving about this and that. Orbs and other focus-related stupidity are available to all, so the usual fakers of such nonsense can be bypassed by the small-timers.

In future, I will only accept my paranormal phenomena from mom & pop operations.

What I Know About Bill Richardson

Flying saucers in New Mexico? Governor Rekindles Roswell
Keay Davidson, Chronicle Science Writer
Monday, August 16, 2004

Ten years after the U.S. Air Force closed its books on the claim that a UFO crashed in Roswell, N.M., in 1947, a top Democratic Party figure wants to reopen the investigation into the cosmic legend.

Despite denials by federal officials, many UFO buffs cherish the notion that in early summer of 1947, a flying saucer crashed in rural Roswell, scattering alien bodies and saucer debris across the terrain.

Now Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico, who chaired the recent Democratic convention in Boston, says in his foreword to a new book that "the mystery surrounding this crash has never been adequately explained -- not by independent investigators, and not by the U.S. government. ... There are as many theories as there are official explanations.

[...]

A Disquisition on Immigration from Brujeria

The Threequel

Hmm.

In what's become standard practice for threequels, the masters of the Pirates franchise felt that the only way they could top the previous two movies was to give us more of everything: more colourful characters, more nautical mythology, even bigger special effects, all building up to a colossal, decisive "everyone vs everyone else" battle, just like The Lord of the Rings, the Matrix Reloaded, and particularly Return of the Jedi, which this movie apes as sure as part two did The Empire Strikes Back.

Wasn't Lord of the Rings based on a book or something? They mighta had less leeway, but I could be wrong.

The Urban Rot of Philadelphia

Killing Time

I have a bunch of pictures I'm doing nothing with, so why not post 'em? This and other bits of nonsense that may follow come from the absolutely terrific art museum in Philadelphia, the name of which I'm too lazy to look up even while typing this overlong sentence.

Just Wondering

Have you ever noticed that a slightly marble-mouthed five-year-old can make "I'm ironic" sound like "I'm moronic" when she runs in circles screaming it?

Kerry and Klein: The Kotzenjammer Kids

I guess if you're still hunting for evidence that John Kerry was not the pick of the Democratic litter this is more fuel for the fire.

I really don't understand the isolation from reality that sets in among candidates.

My Hamster Will Never Ruin a Trip Again

Underutilized

I love Brian Eno, but this sentence seems a little nutty:

He first created 77 Million Paintings to bring art to the increasing number of flat panel TV's and monitors that often sit darkened and underutilized.

I can't wait for Survival Research Labs to deal with the millions of underutilized SUVs.

I Troll for Keeps

A long time ago I trolled a Pammy thread - you know who she is, right? - and some guy got really mad at me. Out of the blue he's e-mailed me again:

Hey there, fuckface.

I'm in Kuwait right now on my way to Iraq on Sunday for a mission I volunteered for through next May. All that in spite of 3 kids.

So, have you heard back from the "Army Band", you SELF-righteous bubba-gump? You still never answered the question as to your level of education or your job/career? Could it be you are still unemployed with a G.E.D. or less? Likely, because your dimwitted reply was to throw up a smokescreen that my e-mail to you was somehow a "victory".

My victory is that you hid and never answered, and that I have the courage to face the enemy in Iraq, and even at home (dumb ass lib cyber pussy cowards like you), whilst you hide behind the security of your keyboard, stammering and changing nothing.

Later loser.

I hope he enjoys his pay-raise.

Losing

When I was but a lad mom would let me win games of Scrabble.

Once I got better at it I smashed her for a few decades.

I recently decided to let mom win once in a while, but I have accidentally stumbled upon a better solution: convince her she won some of the games.

Sumo: Sport of Things

I have been researching the great sport of sumo.

Young boys want to become sumo in order to achieve the rank and physique of manatee.



Therefore they dance in poo.



Those who can crush the poo to the satisfaction of the Sanrio Corporation are allowed to live on the moon.



Others must find new careers.



Successful members of the Order of the Manatee must rub their bellies on decadent foreigners.



There are delights, however, as visiting dignitaries often bring snacks to the more successful of the ravening maxisapiens.



The most physically beautiful sumo are bronzed and used to direct traffic.



Others become snacks themselves, an irony which something something something.



They may also engage in physical contests of some sort. These seem unimportant.

The Great Sandwich Battle Solved

Sages have sung about the dangers of having too much time on my hands - yes that was about me so go find your own goddamned masterwork - but in this case I do not wonder that I'm not crazy.

Rather than mock this poor man for his size, let us celebrate it by aligning him with the most noble fighting tradition of the mystical and inscrutable East.

Fixing the Joke

Q. Why did the crow cross the road?

A. Becaws.

You're welcome.

Governor Abe Simpson

What Thers says:

Teh awesome.

Tommy Thompson cited a dead hearing aid and an urgent need to use the bathroom in explaining on Saturday why he said at a GOP presidential debate that an employer should be allowed to fire a gay worker.

Greatest. First paragraph. Of a news story. Ever.

Alas, There Are No Cosplay Doughnut Shops

I Think "Churchillian" Means "Rad"

My Shame

I don't need Firedoglake to explain how lame I am.

Tip #1: Post Fresh Content Every Day, Multiple Times Per Day

No. Too tired. And I'm pretty much a leech on everyone else's ideas. I should stick solely to commenting, yet I don't.

Tip #2: Enlist a Group of Writers

Not friendly enough.

Tip #3: Build a Brand and Exploit a Niche

Just think of me as your corner store: under-supplied with bizarre and unpalatable crap on the shelf, will never expand or innovate and will have to draft children to fill in.

Tip #4: Cultivate Reader Participation

As a child I walked through a bird sanctuary and they had all these labels on various plants. A recurring word was "cultivated" in front of any old plant. What it meant was that a bird had pooped there.

Tip #5: Do Consistently Great Writing

No prob. Look: Frist!!!!

Tip #6: Make Online Friends

Hi!

Tip #7: Know Yourself and Why You Want to Blog

I have time to kill and I am not creative enough to do something useful.

Global Warming Insights

Retiring BCIT principal glad to put long commute to work behind him

By JASON HARRIS
Burlington County Times

WESTAMPTON — After 33 years in education and 16 years as the principal at the Burlington County Institute of Technology here, Daniel Money is retiring at the end of the year.

“I'm finally graduating,” he said Thursday. “Sixteen years, five cars, and gas is $3 a gallon — it's time. It's the perfect time for the new administration to take hold and install their vision. In my opinion, it's long overdue.”

Money has been planning to retire for nearly a decade. He told the class of 2000 that he was going to retire, so students were surprised to find him roaming the halls when school reopened for the 2000-01 school year. His wife retired four years ago, and she's been pushing him to do so ever since.

“I've been promising her every year,” he said. “She says it's time.”

Still, he's going with some reluctance. If not for his four-hour commute, he likely wouldn't be retiring now. On the other hand, considering the number of cars he's run into the ground, he probably should have retired years ago.

“If I didn't have to drive 100 miles each way, I'd stay,” he said. “I'm fortunate to have a great auto shop to keep me going.”

[...]

Buttfucking

From Radar Online:

2. Representative Donald Young (R-AK) The scene: Fairbanks, Alaska, 1994. Congressman Don Young, already in office for 20 years, is on the stump preaching the virtues of Newt Gingrich's Republican revolution to a group of high school students. Just look at all the wasteful things the federal government does with taxpayers' money, he tells them. The National Endowment for the Arts, for example, funds art involving "people doing offensive things ... things that are absolutely ridiculous." One student asks, "Like what?"

"Buttfucking," replies the great scourge of obscenity and instructor of youth.

Unstoppable Objection Meets Immovable Arse

Sports fan opposed to statistics.

Here's Something Lighter

Hillary Clinton, wingnut. So says the National Review. Via Altercation.

To right-wingers willing to look beneath what probably sounds to them like the same identical views of the Democratic candidates, it is pretty clear that Hillary Clinton is the most conservative. John Edwards is the most liberal, and Barack Obama is somewhere in between.

[…]

At some point, politically sophisticated conservatives will have to recognize that no Republican can win in 2008 and that their only choice is to support the most conservative Democrat for the nomination. Call me crazy, but I think that person is Hillary Clinton.

Something I Don't Want to Think About

This is truly horrific. People are animals.

Crazy Babbling

Even in context this paragraph clunks like the presidential head when the overhead cabinet doors are open:

As is customary for my columns, the title appears to have little, if anything, to do with my discussion so far; therefore, I will proceed to my ultimate destination. The Vast Left-Wing Culture of Death violates this innate knowledge of Good and evil, that exists in every human who ever lived.

The Limits of Snark

You know things are bad when you can push Josh Marshall into derisive sneering.

(May 05, 2007 -- 09:29 PM EST // link)

Bush hits 28%. Clearly a perilous situation for the Democrats.

-- Josh Marshall

White Trash Coding

I love W3Schools but no blink tag?

Mouths

In my continuing quest to waste time I don't actually have, I have assembled a bunch of ridiculous mouths from a shit comic book I will be unable to delete from my hard drive:

Elitist Snobs I Have Known

Who's the hipster at WBUR using Neu and the bonus tracks from My Life in the Bush of Ghosts for transition music?

Really, Come On Now

Another aspect of the whole "Jesus is God" nonsense is buying that God decides to become a baby for a while. This makes him the Ultimate Adult Baby.

Oh Come On

What Makes Atrios Fun

He's a perceptive guy.

Good Work!

A pic from a Nigerian magazine for medical laboratory scientists. Looks like everything's going well.

Torboto

Man that's bleak.

Batfink

Opera?

Just back from seeing Tosca.

What a baffling and rarefied thing opera is. It takes a billion people and a billion dollars (yours, friend, whether you go or not) to put the stuff together and then there are empty seats.

I've never much liked the artificiality of the operatic voice (although the Cavaradossi was surprisingly warm and engaging) and growing up on cartoons made all sorts of orchestral effects take on the utility of a laugh-track, so whatever opera does to its devotees is lost on me.

Nevertheless, I am glad to have gone and glad that such complicated and weird enterprises are paying gigs for a lucky few. More power to you, snobs.

Google Translate Rules

Ode on the Target of Grecian Formula

O ashen shade! limp attitude! like reeds
Of years of wind and weather overblown,
Like barren spaces ringed by trodden weed;
Thou, flattened mat! dost tease us for our age
As doth small children: Dried Pastures ho!
When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt infest, in midst of other woe
Than ours, the next in line, to let them taste.
'Ugly is truth, truth ugly,—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.'

Special Catholic Love

Catholic Church buries limbo after centuries

Fri Apr 20, 2007 12:14 PM EDT

By Philip Pullella

VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - The Roman Catholic Church has effectively buried the concept of limbo, the place where centuries of tradition and teaching held that babies who die without baptism went.

...

It says grace has priority over sin, and the exclusion of innocent babies from heaven does not seem to reflect Christ's special love for children...

There's a joke here somewhere.

A Limerick

There once was a man called Gonzales
Who showed everyone just what gall is
He burbled quite madly
Whilst perjuring badly
And saluting with "Bush Über Alles".

Anti-Feminist Bingo

Here, via Feministe.

Goddammit Stop Looking So Evil

Taste and its Automation

Perfect Althouse

One of those perfect blasts of nothing, entitled "I cannot fathom the mind of the turtle".

Three Pennies, Three Wishes

The four-year-old got three more shots at eternal happiness at a fountain near a petting zoo. Coins went towards:

1. I wish I was skating with Sakura.
2. I wish I was skating with Sakura.
3. I wish I was skating with Puffy Ami Yumi.

Also, a monkey's favourite instrument is an oo-cordion.

Fun With Joe Klein

Some soon-to-be-deleted comments I'm sure:

Posted by Righteous Bubba
April 13, 2007

"I'm glad you find me endlessly entertaining, but war isn't entertainment."

I say we pull out of Joe Klein as soon as possible.

Posted by NTodd
April 13, 2007

"I say we pull out of Joe Klein as soon as possible."

We must fight them in Joe's anus so they won't follow us here...

Tbogg Has Been Bad

I can't say I go for the "brown sugar" thing: seems like an obvious racist slur to me.

I have said worse things and laughed at worse things - worse meaning both more offensive and more worthy of delivering apologies for - and I can hope it's an error. We boys tend to defend every fucking thing we do instead of just backing off them once in a while.

Now: how is my disapproval here different from the "fat" and "cunt" verbiage?

Holy Shit: Diabetes Cured?

Via Boing Boing:

Geek Daughter Chronicles

This evening my daughter said something that her mom, deeply touched, interpreted as "I need a hug." What was actually said was "In Tagalog?" although, mercifully, she can't hyperlink spoken English yet. Perhaps when she's five.

Also:

Q. What's a ghost's favourite character on Dora the Explorer?
A. BOOny. (Meaning Benny.)

I am always impressed with a successful pun from a four-year old, however the better answer is BOOts.

Do Tell

Dinesh D'Souza:

Anti-Americanism comes in different varieties.

What variety might you be peddling today, good sir?

Girls Don't Do That

Out with mom and my four-year-old daughter at a restaurant. I'm doing what I do, which is fidget with table implements like I've just discovered them and I wind up making a little arch by jamming a knife-blade between a fork's tines and standing it up on their squarish ends. "It's sculpture!" I announce to my daughter, who in turn starts fiddling with whatever she can find.

"I'm making sculpture!" she says.

"Girls don't do that," says mom.

I owe a lot to my mom, apart from thousands of dollars, but despite the fact that she clawed her way to the top of the pyramid by ignoring a bunch of crap about what men said she couldn't do, she doesn't seem too interested in questioning the assumptions that made her success a struggle.

Our True Fear: Cabbies

When I Was a Boy I Wanted to Be...

Here's a phrase for you:

The world's expert on lust, violence and cannibalism among prairie dogs

Ten Plagues

It seems to me that plagues were not a very constructive way for an omnipotent God to deal with the whole hostage crisis, but then we wouldn't have these cute finger-puppets. Someone should come up with a set of modern plagues, a cruise-missile, say, or a dour man with a ledger labelled SANCTIONS.












UPDATE: I should have put a link up so people could find these. Here.

I'm hostile to religion, so no endorsement is implied, but shit, I bought them so I'm a big hypocrite that nobody should take seriously. Or something. I did not, however, pay $16.95. I got 'em wholesale.

Also, if you get on Peter Popoff's mailing list you'll get amusing trinkets. His Miracle Spring Water is now in larger packets!!!

Licking the Global Jihad

Here's a funny post from everyone's favourite goggle-eyed babbler.

Pam types-pastes-vomits 2500 words in asserting a jihadi link to the Pet Food Crisis because some flakes were from Mississauga and so's the company in question and MUSLIMS HATE DOGS AND CATS!

Turns out Muslims can like kitties if they want (and really, lots like dogs too), a revelation which inspires Pam to INVESTIGATE THE COMMENTER!CONSPIRATOR!

Said commenter quite gently shows up again and explains, mentioning that Mississauga is a long way from China in any case. Presumably the Mississauga jihadis were busy figuring out how to poison Sea Monkeys.

A very short thread, and one that you'd imagine would be embarrassing to someone who wasn't out of their fucking mind.

Thanks to Krankor who left the link at Sadly, No!, um, period.