Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Exploring the Pinch Her Movement

Hey it's AWR Hawkins, Ph.D in military history! What military history has he to offer us today?
On July 1, 2010, I wrote a post for Big Hollywood that demonstrated how Sheryl Crow was both reaching out to Country Music fans and insulting them at the same time.
Many of us remember July 1, 2010 as The Day That We Forgot to Make Fun of AWR Hawkins.
She was reaching out to them through her work with Kid Rock, her cameo appearance at the Country Music Awards, and the home she purchased in Nashville. She was insulting them by railing against “giant cars” (like the 4×4 pickups and Hummers country artists love to drive), and calling Tea Partiers “ignorant” and “angry.”

Suffice it to say, Crow couldn’t have insulted Country Music fans more without calling them by name.
So if I say "backwoods drunken cousin-fuckers with screechy fiddles need to lay off the moonshine and finish the eighth grade" Sheryl Crow has already beaten me in the offensiveness department by talking about trucks and libertarians?

Anyway, it seems that Sheryl Crow has shit in her rider that specifies recycled this that and the other when she plays shows:
For instance, the rider contains an “environmental portion” which clearly states that Crow wishes to “minimize the overall environmental impact of the tour.” And while there’s nothing wrong with this on the surface, the problems arise when her to-do list for achieving this lowered environmental impact is fleshed out.
Yes, that's right, there's nothing wrong with talking about it, but actually DOING IT is BEYOND THE PALE. Look:
For instance, she asks venue owners to “utilize…non-petroleum cups” and other “alternatives to Styrofoam” for backstage drinks. She requests they reduce their reliance on fossil fuels by using “renewable sources and/or to [buying] sustainable energy credits where possible.” She actually asked them to check with their local utility companies to see if there’s a “green power” option they can switch to during her concert. She asks for “eco-friendly cleaning and bathroom products [and] post-consumer recycled toilet paper and paper [towels].”
OMG! Deep beneath the surface of "minimizing the environmental impact of the tour" is MINIMIZING THE ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT OF THE TOUR!!!

AND YET Ms. Crow insists upon bringing her show to town in vehicles with ENGINES.
Unless those buses and trucks are running off solar panels, Crow needs to hush.
Indeed. Those who tour from town to town on camelback and burn the dung to heat their locally-gathered dandelion soup would, I am certain, be immune to criticism from the likes of AWR Hawkins, Ph.D in military history.
And she need not be surprised that when heartland Americans look at her, they see what they saw in John Kerry during 2004: A snooty leftist who doubles as a control freak.
John Kerry? WHO??? Jesus fucking Christ, GET WITH THE PROGRAM.


Smut Clyde said...

I think I understand. Hawkins is not a hater of Country-&-Western fans. The real C&W hater is a C&W singer who makes requests of her fans that conflict with Hawkins' prejudices of what her fans should be like. That must really have knocked her sales and concert-attendance figures.

J— said...

“alternatives to Styrofoam”

Be careful of the catering, Crow. If it ain't in styrofoam, it ain't barbecue.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Heartland Americans?

Are those people who live in places like Ohio, or is there a more specific definition?

mikey said...

I think they must live in Aorta, Wisconsin.

And Ventricle, Kentucky.

But you gotta worry about those fine folks who live in Plaque, Pennsylvania.

Hopefully they can make some friends on Statin Island, New York..

Smut Clyde said...

those fine folks who live in Plaque, Pennsylvania

I was going to say something snarky about the state of their teeth, but DENTISTRY IS THEFT.

Which reminds me that the colours of the Dortmund Soccer team (Borussa Dortmund) are yellow and black... allegedly this is in recognition of the usual state of the Dortmunders' teeth and necks respectively.

N__B said...

Nothing says "country music" more than Hummers, which went on sale to the general public in 1992, FIVE WHOLE YEARS before country music was invented.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Hummers seem to be more a vehicle of the suburbs than the Rural Heart-America this goofus is romanticizing

I know some real farmers, and a Hummer would suck for what they need from a vehicle.

Not that Hummers don't suck anyways, but you get what I mean. In Ivins-speak, all hat, no cattle.

mikey said...

General Guidance:

ANY four wheel drive or off-road vehicle with nice, shiny paint, no scratches and no mud on the fenders belongs to a poseur who would be better off with a BW Beetle...

fish said...

Heartland Americans?

Anywhere they serve chicken fried steak and defibrillator pancakes for dessert.

Willy said...

General Guidance:

Right on, Mikey. The first thing to do to a new 4WD is to get it stuck in mud somewhere.

Substance McGravitas said...

My mom has a 4WD vehicle. She lives right downtown and her greatest use for it is to go to one of the larger grocery stores which is across a bridge.

Money well spent.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Nothing says "country music" more than Hummers from toothless old Ma Kettle types.

Fixxored for maximum disturbing imagery.

fish said...

Yet I am interested in subscribing to your newsletter.

WV: horit


Rusty Shackleford said...

What happened to N__B's blog?

Substance McGravitas said...

Perhaps he was hypocritically using electricity and being an environmentalist and SOMEONE FOUND OUT.

mikey said...

Big bad bald bastard is bad.

Yes, that seems likely.

I'd wager he might also be big and bald.

And a bastard.

Although that last one is, honestly, a somewhat subjective judgement.

But I'm willing to agree to the basic premise, which is that Big Bad Bald Bastard is indeed Big. And bad. And bald. And very likely a bastard.

The more interesting question is does this tell us anything about the Holy Ghost?

N__B said...

What happened to N__B's blog?

Google's automated spam detectors have a false-positive problem. Second time in two months.

I'll be moving to WP, trying right now to get my contact back from the trash at Google.

Hamish Mack said...

I wonder if Hawkins would be more kindly disposed toward Cheryl Crow if she urged her fans to "Fuck up the environment, it's what I do and what's it ever done for us?"
He's just a simple honest man lookin' for some honesty in a sad sad world...in his pants!!!
fish is right, that is always funny

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Google's automated spam detectors have a false-positive problem. Second time in two months.

Of course, the Justice system has ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM detecting the people who must be put to death in our name.