Monday, March 7, 2011

Professional Advice

Below is Ann Althouse being chased by an awl:



Now, here are the tags you could steal if you were of a mind to either appropriate this mad dash to pricktory or make Ann get chased by something else:

<marquee scrollamount="17" behavior="scroll" direction="right"><img src="http://i52.tinypic.com/24boyv6.gif" border="0" height="150" /><img src="http://i51.tinypic.com/a5byw9.gif" border="0" width="75" /><img src="http://i52.tinypic.com/t8ndip.gif" border="0" height="120" /></marquee>

The marquee tag is the start: it has a speed of 17, and scrolls to the right. It needs closing.

What follows are three image tags, images hosted elsewhere so you don't need to worry about whether or not the tags refer to some local copy of the image: they don't. If you steal these tags - cut and paste the whole lot - they will work. [In comments below it has been noted that some folks have CSS that slaps borders on images: set those borders to zero if you can find 'em in your template.] At least until people who code browsers finally get rid of the much-despised marquee tag itself. Some curmudgeonly bastards won't even let you see this sentence blink.

The first image is the awl which I gave a height of 150 pixels. Image tags will shrink or enlarge images proportionally, so I didn't have to specify a width: what I was concerned about was the height in proportion to Altstone.

The second image is a wide but short transparency: it's invisible and provides space between the awl and Ann. I adjusted its width and since I made its height negligible it won't affect the height of the line it's on. I guess I could have constrained the height of a perfectly square transparent GIF by using a height attribute but in one of those strange quirks that defines me I didn't want to type an extra twelve characters in the tag. How long was that last sentence?

The third image is Altstone, and she's been squished a little shorter than that menacing awl.

Close the marquee tag and you're done. Or you can substitute any of the image URLs within the tags for another.

So Ann can be followed by the LOLBUS:



Don't die in an ASCIIdent Ann! HAW! HAW!

In a more realistic usage we have Mark Noonan with blinking eyebrows followed by a cute pirate. You know, I think Mark's eyebrows were my animated GIF inspiration, as sad a thing as I have ever written, although I think I posted a Malkin cheerleader thing first, as sad a thing as I have also ever written.

19 comments:

brad said...

I tried making one of my own. Apologies for being so derivative.

Substance McGravitas said...

DON'T LET HER CATCH YOU BRISTOL!

Ooh, I neglected the whole CSS border angle! In your blog there's a css template that'll slap a border on your images: I've set mine to zero.

It requires editing the HTML file though, and sucks.

brad said...

I was just gonna ask how to do that, damn. I have piss poor html skillz, tho if you tell me what the line of code looks like I could probably find it.

Smut Clyde said...

What's this about a border angel?

brad said...

Oooh, I think I did it.

Substance McGravitas said...

I think you did too.

Substance McGravitas said...

Fuck, and faster than I did it when I was figuring it out...

brad said...

The help section in the html editor led me to some good instructions, thankfully.

Substance McGravitas said...

That's surprising. I avoid help files because they're ordinarily so shitty. Also I am a boy.

brad said...

This way I don't have to actually learn anything, tho.

vacuumslayer said...

I now know what my endless supply of self-aggrandizing pics of me and cute kittens needs: animation. It may be the only way to get people to understand how IMPORTANT they are.

tigris said...

Pics of you as Fred Flintstone being chased by cute kittens would be pretty awesome.

Substance McGravitas said...

You could of course have a chorus line of kittens and vacuumslayers using the following tag, which jiggles what it contains between one side of the page and the other:

<marquee scrollamount="50" behavior="alternate">FUCK</marquee>

mikey said...

Don't Awl me Bro!!!

Brendan said...

Wish I could think of something funny, but I can't. So, just: great post.

Anonymous said...

You. Are. A. Genius.

TruculentandUnreliable said...

FYBlogger

I AM ANONYMOUS!!!!

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

You misspelled "Spartacus".

Peter said...

At first I thought it was a turkey baster. Then I saw the brilliance of the awl as a veiled micro penis reference. Meade's, most likely.