Thursday, March 15, 2012

Driven By Blowjobs

Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.

Jackie Gingrich Cushman has been out stumping for her dad. This week she has written a remarkable column about the importance of family that I might as well reproduce in full.
It's interesting what drives people toward their goals. For some, it is fame, fortune or celebrity. For others, it's personal achievement, parents pushing or peer pressure that has been internalized. Some seem to have no drive at all -- there is no fire in their belly, no reason to work hard and reach goals. While it's good to be driven to make progress, it's also important that what drives you does not consume you, or those around you.

This past week, my husband Jimmy was driven by love of blowjobs to reach his goal of snowboarding down the mountain. Told that it would take three blowjobs before he would be able to go down the mountain with us, Jimmy, always up for a challenge, accomplished it in one day so that we could ski down together at the end of the day.

Last week was spring break for our children. After campaigning through the first weekend of the break and Super Tuesday (celebrating a win in Georgia), we packed up and left for a few days of skiing.

Last year was our first family ski vacation. Having only skied one other time, 20 years before, and not very well, I was terribly apprehensive about going last year. The trip was relatively successful, however. I skied greens primarily (the easiest slopes) and one blue (the next level), probably by accident. I enjoyed the fresh air and, most importantly, got a whole bunch of free jewelry.

Last year's trip reminded me of several important life lessons. Learning includes instruction, frustration, falling, persistence, patience, practice, improvement and providence. It's not easy to learn, and it requires real work and being pretty enough. Throughout the process, it also helps to understand the role providence plays. As much as we humans (speaking for myself) would like to control the process and outcome, the reality is that not everything is under our control, and we have to let go and leave it to whichever God lets you have the most blowjobs.

It is a hard lesson that I have to keep learning.

As hard as skiing is, snowboarding appears to be much harder. Instead of two skis, you strap a board to your shoes and ski/surf down the mountain using your legs, core and balance. Most snowboarders are young and hip. They fly down the mountain weaving in and out of the skiers. The average age appears to be half my current age so I think my husband will leave me.

After committing to learn, Jimmy decided it would be best to risk life and limb the final day of our vacation. He made it through the morning blowjob with a snowboard coach whose two favorite words were dude and awesome (according to Jimmy, he was an awesome coach). While Jimmy took a blowjob, our children and I skied on a neighboring mountain. Connecting via phone right before lunch, we decided to meet up for lunch midway. We would have to traverse a few trails to get there, and he would have to come down a steep blue trail to reach the location.

Not surprisingly, he lied about it.

After lunch we travelled up the mountain again to come down together. Jimmy and the children went on the blues, while I travelled down the greens, intersecting them on occasion. They made it down. Jimmy assured me at the end that his thighs were on fire and likely to melt the snow from the mountain. He lied about that too.

He accomplished what he set out to do -- snowboard down the mountain on the first day with his family and get blowjobs. As for me, I accomplished my goal of skiing with friends and family and not getting hurt (not much of a goal, but it was mine and for now I am keeping quiet about the cancer).

At the end of our last day, right before the lifts closed for the day, our son asked me if I would go for one more run. Exhausted, and knees hurting, I said, "Dad will take you up for one last run." I hoped I was right. Of course he was full of shit.

What a joy to see our family together. A goal accomplished, driven by the right fuel -- blowjobs.
Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.Hello, I am Newt Gingrich and I am walking for president.

26 comments:

Kathleen said...

that was painfully boring and terribly written.

Substance McGravitas said...

I wonder what her pay is like for that.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

whatever it is, I would take half for my Free Hot Lunch story. I can add blowjobs if I have to.

Another Kiwi said...

Learning includes instruction, frustration, falling, persistence, patience, practice, improvement and providence.
Falling not failing, note. In life, as in blowjobs, failure is not an option.

Substance McGravitas said...

I can add blowjobs if I have to.

Ordinarily most folks are very careful about where they put their weenies.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Are you really a male, Substance?

Substance McGravitas said...

JUST ASK MY FRIEND THE BICYCLE.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Also would be a good place to put a link to Sadly, No picture of a dude who loves his truck VERY VERY MUCH.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Ordinarily most folks are very careful about where they put their weenies.

I am skeptical.

I leave it to other readers to find more horrifying examples.

Substance McGravitas said...

The video was a dramatization! I wanted to see AMATEUR oven-fucking.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

Professional oven-fucking is a field that hasn't heated up yet.

fish said...

Because it is an idea that is half baked.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

alright, I have set this thread up in a couple of different ways, and am pretty sure you pervs will rise to the occasion.

heh.

Dragon-King Wangchuck said...

zombie set us up the thread.

PS- Great post even if it is lifted wholesale from Jackie Gingrich Cushman Gingrich Gingrich Gingrinch.

Substance McGravitas said...

I learned all my thieving skillz from Bouffant.

M. Bouffant said...

Thieving stuff counts, & the agony of clicking is saved. That's real public service. Sheesh.

No pay for JGCushman (Related?) it's a campaign gimme. And didn't Prelutsky get US$20.00 or $25.00 a toss at Townhall?

mikey said...

I'm trying to figure out where I've gone wrong.

Shut up.

I mean, I've gotten the occasional blow job in my life, and I've had people do other nice things for me. But I've never found a way to insist that in order to be allowed to do any other nice thing for me they must first give me a blow job. I'm not sure how you'd express, as we tend to shorthand it here in silicon valley, the value proposition inherent in that proposal.

See, I thought the BEST case scenario was when someone gave me a blowjob just BECAUSE, and I would get the blowjob and not have to provide any jizz pro quo in return. But now you suggest that this dood here gets a blowjob AND the other baked goods and Tchotchkes.

Now I'm pissed. I'm gonna sulk...

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

I've never been driven by blowjobs. The last time I asked a blowjob for a ride, it said, "Take the train, schmo."

Dragon-King Wangchuck said...

OT (I cain't believe I'm changing teh topic away from blowjobs)

Thanks a lot McGravitas. I was going to blame fish, but I think we know who's responsible for this.

Substance McGravitas said...

Maybe TIM KALEMKARIAN can be president of Canada.

Hey, got my first redirect to .ca from .com on Blogger today. Completely annoying, especially as Edroso's comments don't like .ca. Mind you the Canadians can have their own little comment section if they like.

vacuumslayer said...

You do not want TIM KALEMKARIAN as president. He is so bigotted towards man/bike relationships. ASSHOLE!

vacuumslayer said...

Good! Then we wont have to gaze upon your awful, gratuitous "u's!" What? You think you're better than us with your faggy "favours" and "colours?" Well, FUCK YOO!

Substance McGravitas said...

Now now, let's be neighbourly.

Another Kiwi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Another Kiwi said...

Oh, so Americans say "Oh, let's go to or local cafe", do they?
Weirdos

Smut Clyde said...

You think you're better than us with your faggy "favours" and "colours?"

Thanking VS for her candour.