Driven By Blowjobs

Jackie Gingrich Cushman has been out stumping for her dad. This week she has written a remarkable column about the importance of family that I might as well reproduce in full.

It's interesting what drives people toward their goals. For some, it is fame, fortune or celebrity. For others, it's personal achievement, parents pushing or peer pressure that has been internalized. Some seem to have no drive at all -- there is no fire in their belly, no reason to work hard and reach goals. While it's good to be driven to make progress, it's also important that what drives you does not consume you, or those around you.

This past week, my husband Jimmy was driven by love of blowjobs to reach his goal of snowboarding down the mountain. Told that it would take three blowjobs before he would be able to go down the mountain with us, Jimmy, always up for a challenge, accomplished it in one day so that we could ski down together at the end of the day.

Last week was spring break for our children. After campaigning through the first weekend of the break and Super Tuesday (celebrating a win in Georgia), we packed up and left for a few days of skiing.

Last year was our first family ski vacation. Having only skied one other time, 20 years before, and not very well, I was terribly apprehensive about going last year. The trip was relatively successful, however. I skied greens primarily (the easiest slopes) and one blue (the next level), probably by accident. I enjoyed the fresh air and, most importantly, got a whole bunch of free jewelry.

Last year's trip reminded me of several important life lessons. Learning includes instruction, frustration, falling, persistence, patience, practice, improvement and providence. It's not easy to learn, and it requires real work and being pretty enough. Throughout the process, it also helps to understand the role providence plays. As much as we humans (speaking for myself) would like to control the process and outcome, the reality is that not everything is under our control, and we have to let go and leave it to whichever God lets you have the most blowjobs.

It is a hard lesson that I have to keep learning.

As hard as skiing is, snowboarding appears to be much harder. Instead of two skis, you strap a board to your shoes and ski/surf down the mountain using your legs, core and balance. Most snowboarders are young and hip. They fly down the mountain weaving in and out of the skiers. The average age appears to be half my current age so I think my husband will leave me.

After committing to learn, Jimmy decided it would be best to risk life and limb the final day of our vacation. He made it through the morning blowjob with a snowboard coach whose two favorite words were dude and awesome (according to Jimmy, he was an awesome coach). While Jimmy took a blowjob, our children and I skied on a neighboring mountain. Connecting via phone right before lunch, we decided to meet up for lunch midway. We would have to traverse a few trails to get there, and he would have to come down a steep blue trail to reach the location.

Not surprisingly, he lied about it.

After lunch we travelled up the mountain again to come down together. Jimmy and the children went on the blues, while I travelled down the greens, intersecting them on occasion. They made it down. Jimmy assured me at the end that his thighs were on fire and likely to melt the snow from the mountain. He lied about that too.

He accomplished what he set out to do -- snowboard down the mountain on the first day with his family and get blowjobs. As for me, I accomplished my goal of skiing with friends and family and not getting hurt (not much of a goal, but it was mine and for now I am keeping quiet about the cancer).

At the end of our last day, right before the lifts closed for the day, our son asked me if I would go for one more run. Exhausted, and knees hurting, I said, "Dad will take you up for one last run." I hoped I was right. Of course he was full of shit.

What a joy to see our family together. A goal accomplished, driven by the right fuel -- blowjobs.