Friday, December 9, 2011

Attention Fellow Cereal Freaks

News you can use:
10 Worst Children's Cereals
Based on percent sugar by weight
1 Kellogg's Honey Smacks 55.6%
2 Post Golden Crisp 51.9%
3 Kellogg's Froot Loops Marshmallow 48.3%
4 Quaker Oats Cap'n Crunch's OOPS! All Berries 46.9%
5 Quaker Oats Cap'n Crunch Original 44.4%
6 Quaker Oats Oh!s 44.4%
7 Kellogg's Smorz 43.3%
8 Kellogg's Apple Jacks 42.9%
9 Quaker Oats Cap'n Crunch's Crunch Berries 42.3%
10 Kellogg's Froot Loops Original 41.4%

Eat up.

19 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Wow.

No Cocoa Puffs? No Frosted Flakes?

THEY'RE GREAT!!!

At least Captain Crunch and Apple Jacks are there.

It's how we got through collage, people.
~

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Post Golden Crisp

I think Sugar Bear languishes in a diabetic coma.

wiley said...

Is better eat pie. Cherry.

Dillon said...

I thought Count Chocula and Franken Berry would be on the list, but General Mills only sells them on a seasonal basis these days (around Halloween).

From Wikipedia:

Franken Berry was very popular when first introduced possibly because the initial batches of the cereal used a dye that didn't break down in the body, causing many children's feces to be bright pink, a symptom sometimes referred to as "Frankenberry Stool."

tigris said...

I don't understand how Crunch Berries can be lower than All Berries and Original when it's a mix of the two, isn't it?

Substance McGravitas said...

Never doubt that the chefs at Quaker make each product a unique blend to maximize taste sensation. It's the same dedication that the folks at Budweiser have.

Another Kiwi said...

"Froot Loops Original"? Same old shite in an olde time box, and it's called Original.

vacuumslayer said...

Are you really a cereal freak?

One of the worst (best?) things about my childhood was that these kinds of cereals were absolutely verboten. All my friends got to them, but not me, never me. GOOD EATING HABITS CAN GO TO HELL!!!

Captain Crunch is yummy, but it cuts up the roof of your mouth.

vacuumslayer said...

omg, the "sub" words keep coming. I swear every other w/v is a sub word..."subrathe," which sounds kinda badass. I'm picturing something with wings a scythe!

mikey said...

If there exist amongst the Substance clan anyone who has not read the sublime, if now somewhat dated "Cryptonomicon", one of the things you would have missed was a multi-page, elegantly detailed description of the ritual of eating a bowl of Cap'n Crunch. It is ideal Stephenson, simultaneously rich in the physical and engineering detail, and yet the words all fit together in an elegant pattern that is, finally, something other, a poetry of the carefully examined mundane. I'm sure it is to be found on the google...

Substance McGravitas said...

Are you really a cereal freak?

Yes.

vacuumslayer said...

I'm sending you some Jif cereal. *

WHY DON'T YOU JUST EAT A BOWL OF POISON?


*no such thing...that I know of

Jennifer said...

Are you really a cereal freak?

Yes.


related

Substance McGravitas said...

WHY DON'T YOU JUST EAT A BOWL OF POISON?

I have had various suggestions similar to this one over the years.

Substance McGravitas said...

Cereals made by Purina scared me for the obvious reason. As with Hostess, American television would reveal exotic treats I could never have.

vacuumslayer said...



I have had various suggestions similar to this one over the years.


MEAN

Smut Clyde said...

All that fermentable sugar. I envisage novelty home-brew possibilities.

Another Kiwi said...

The Captain Crunch incident!! Divider of readers!

M. Bouffant said...

Too bad the list does not explore the preferred choices of this cereal person, Malt-O-Meal & store brand cereals that come in bags & are cheaper than advertised national brands.

And fuck the crunch, Colossal Crunch is best when left to sogify before eating.