Bill's in the Mail

Q. How much is a box of quackers?

A. Ten ducks.

Should Be Doing Work...

Stole a GIF from a certain zombie.

These tags will work if you steal them...

<marquee scrollamount="17" behavior="scroll" direction="right"><img src="http://i56.tinypic.com/2lb04yo.gif" border="0" height="150" /><img src="http://i51.tinypic.com/a5byw9.gif" border="0" width="75" /><img src="http://i52.tinypic.com/t8ndip.gif" border="0" height="120" /></marquee>

The divs referred to in comments look like this in the Newt post:

<div style="background: url(&quot;http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-t5Rc3Sc6fxA/TpoCHsJ3CaI/AAAAAAAABvk/bm6GQB-Hrpo/s1600/Newt410.gif&quot;) repeat scroll 0% 0% transparent; text-align: center;"><div style="background: url(&quot;http://i55.tinypic.com/2lxiftk.gif&quot;) repeat scroll 0% 0% transparent; text-align: center;"><div style="background: url(&quot;http://i55.tinypic.com/1256c5c.gif&quot;) repeat scroll 0% 0% transparent; text-align: center;"><div style="background: url(&quot;http://i51.tinypic.com/344358x.gif&quot;) repeat scroll 0% 0% transparent; text-align: center;"><div style="background: url(&quot;http://i56.tinypic.com/25077es.gif&quot;) repeat scroll 0% 0% transparent; text-align: center;"><div style="background: url(&quot;http://i55.tinypic.com/25rgw9y.gif&quot;) repeat scroll 0% 0% transparent; text-align: center;"><img src="http://i51.tinypic.com/a5byw9.gif" border="0" height="558" width="408" /></div></div></div></div></div></div>

The first URL in it goes to a picture of Newt as a background, and almost every other URL goes to a GIF that's transparent except for a chunk of Newt's face (in the same proportion as the background pic), also as background images. The only exception is the img tag before all the divs close: it's a transparent GIF sized to make every one of the background images display properly. The way the style attribute works precludes the use of a marquee tag on any of the background images, and using the marquee any place outside the opening and closing tags fucks up the proportion of your image and won't overlay the scrolling items because the divs just work like fancy near-borderless blockquotes. These tags should be easy enough to steal as well, and you too can have a Grotesque Gingrich. Replace the images with images of your choice, minding the proportions of each, and you have a new kooky picture.

One caveat is that the the div backgrounds seem to vary from the sole foreground image by a few pixels in either direction; this is probably some CSS bullshit related to this template that I don't wanna figure out right now. Just make sure your backgrounds all match up and you can tweak the transparent foreground to frame your lovely construction properly.

Not Knowing When To Get Out of Town

Telepathic Ed:

These Ragheads are certainly cruel, I don't see where the U.S. get off injecting itself into every fracas that comes along as though they rule the World. I was once on the Campus of Brigham Young and was in their basketball arena where I saw a girl student washing windows. I said the Mormons believe that the American Indians are descended from the 2 Lost Tribes of Israel anybody who'd believe that......Millions of People believe that just because you don't......I said most People aren't Mormons. Ima Hogg (1882-1975) was the daughter of Texas Governor James "Big Jim" Hogg and heiress to the immense Hogg fortune which increased greatly in the 20's due to oil being discovered on Hogg land. A Philanthropist and Patroness of the Arts she never married and was called "Miss Ima" and known as "The First Lady of Texas." Knowing when to get out of town is one of the most important things one can ever learn.

The Great Debate

VS, um, vs. J. Vernon McGee. It's a loooooong bus ride.

I Still Have This Movie on Videotape

Tropical Verse

There once was a cock-boring eel,
Who squirmed his way into some heel
Who’d a date set that night
And to the cock-eel’s delight,
Cunt was its very next meal.

HIGH-QUALITY ILLUMUSTRATION UPDATE:



TRAGIC VERISIMILITUDE UPDATE:

Here is a completely true verse about DKW's family:

Your dad's greatest role is as cock-abuse keener,
To this end he sticks a weird fish in his wiener.
The fish come right out of your mom's little flower,
And the fee to go fishing is ten bucks an hour.

FURTHER SPANKING UPDATE:

The sailors all take their turns banging your dad,
But when ship sets sail they feel secretly glad,
Because dad (and his son!) have no feel for the rhythm,
So fee-be-damned they take your mom on board with 'em.

OGDEN GNASHING UPDATE:

Your dad's wonky rhythm makes truck drivers swear
They chain his ass up so his hole stays right there.
He'll do while your mom works her way through the queue,
But if he tried to rhyme he'd just fuck that up also.

HOLIDAYS ARE APPROACHING UPDATE:

In early December your dad takes the member
Of Santa while asking for toys
But when Christmas arrives he pouts and he cries
Because Nick fucks your mom with the boys.

Yay! Something for Catholics to Apologize For!

Go read. This is insane:

Spanish society has been shaken by allegations of the theft and trafficking of thousands of babies by nuns, priests and doctors, which started under Franco and continued up to the 1990s.

I first met Manoli Pagador in Getafe, in a working-class suburb of Madrid. She was attending a meeting for people affected by the scandal Spaniards call "ninos robados" - stolen children.

She has three daughters and lots of grandchildren, but she has never got over the loss of her first-born - a son - nearly 40 years ago.

She had come to think she was crazy for believing he was alive, instead of dead and buried as hospital doctors had told her.

"Now," she said, gripping my hand tightly. "Look around the room at the other women here. All like me. The same background. The same experience. I'm not mad and my family finally believes me."

In 1971 Manoli, who was 23 at the time and not long married, gave birth to what she was told was a healthy baby boy, but he was immediately taken away for what were called routine tests.

Nine interminable hours passed. "Then, a nun, who was also a nurse, coldly informed me that my baby had died," she says.

They would not let her have her son's body, nor would they tell her when the funeral would be.

Of course this is isolated baby-stealing by a few rogue priests and nuns and doctors and fascists and the proportion of baby-stealers in the general population is not that different. And nobody knew nothing about nothing nohow. And nobody has said they fucked the children yet and that counts for something.

Yves Smith on Le Show

Download from here.

Never heard her speak before: she's good.

Maybe, though, you're a fan of WEIRDOS.

Those Without Dates Make Do with Dr. Smut

Um...

Daniel Foster Gaydar Check

Sharing Knowledge for Peace

Google Translate is not the greatest with Farsi, but I am fairly certain that Hamedan University of Medical Sciences is sharing some very valuable information with the world:



They are even kind enough to host the relevant files.

Short Memories

Henry Payne:

Penske Corporation, ArvinMeritor, Compuware Corporation, GM, Ford? These Metro Detroit firms all are major sponsors of the Detroit Opera House, which anchors the south side of Grand Circus.

“Tax the rich! Tax the rich! Tax the rich!” chanted the ’60s-throwbacks in Grand Circus. But why? Detroit’s rich are pouring millions into downtown Detroit to try to resuscitate it. Why does Occupy Detroit want to confiscate that money and send it 500 miles away to Washington, D.C.?

Assuming - just for fun! - that protesters really wanna send all the rich's money to Washington, hasn't Washington had some positive role in keeping Detroit alive? Just wondering.

Steven Pinker Thread at CT

Popcorn on the go.

Note that Steven Pinker is a jerkwad.

Eye of Newt

Attempting to fill this space. Bear with me. Asynchronous animation of Newt's face achieved and ongoing. What to do with the mouth and the nose now that the nose is slightly empiggened? Or You may also occupy yourselves by spraying Newt with penguin poop. Your choice, citizen.

Somebody's On Your Case

Approaching Singularity

What sorcery is required to get all these assholes together to be assholes?

What Happened to Hot Stewardesses?

October 13, 2011 1:13 P.M.

By Daniel Foster

I can’t find a post here, so I figure it was probably in a G-file, but I know Jonah has noticed the decline in physical appeal of flight attendants, and if I recall, posited that the culprit was feminism. In an instance of what is either mildly chauvinistic great minds thinking alike or intellectual plagiarism, Glen Whitman has asked himself the same question, but come up with a different answer. There are less cuties in the friendly skies, says Whitman, because of deregulation. When airlines were legally barred from competing effectively on price, they competed instead on quality. One of the ways they did it was by hiring young, pretty girls. Since deregulation, though, airlines have discovered that fliers are more interested in cheap flights than eye candy.

Megan McArdle disagrees. She agrees with (my memory of) Jonah, that it’s more likely about anti-discrimination laws/norms and “feminist shaming,” but also about union power [...]

You know you are grateful for the editorial discretion there.

HA HA WHAT A SILLY JOKE I MADE THAT ONE TIME:



And what could make this shit worse? Mark Steyn.

In a world where the customer’s right to “service” no longer exists, why be surprised that you wind up with the developed world’s surliest trolley dollies in worn, shiny, shapeless navy stretch pants?

Okay, I don’t want to be sexist here. If you want to see America’s worst-dressed gay men, take a plane. Where have all the hot stewards gone?

It's like an Ouroboros that's all distended anus.

The Role of Rodeo Clown in Other Cultures

Via the Jubail Technical Institute comes an outfit that I am certain has never existed before and must never exist again.

Days of Our Lives

I was listening to this and thought I'd look this up:

Options

Katrina Trinko at The Corner notices something:

At tonight’s debate, candidates will have the opportunity to ask another candidate a question. Herman Cain is planning to direct his question at Mitt Romney.

“I’m going after Romney. I have a very penetrating question for him,” Cain told radio host Neil Boortz in an interview today, according to the Washington Post. He added that he didn’t “need to go after Perry.”

Cain's gotta be careful, because if it's a yes or no question Mitt's in the clear with an answer of yes, no, and both.

The Penis Metaphor is Strong with This One

Deanna Murray is back with an awesome conservative list of songs about guns!

Song: Happiness Is A Warm Gun
Artist: The Beatles

John Lennon got the idea for this tune from a magazine cover he saw. Writing* about this particular song, Lennon said he thought the headline of the article “Happiness Is A Warm Gun” was so fantastic he had to write about it. But one has to wonder if the “Imagine”-singing peacenik realized at the time that a warm gun usually means someone’s fired it.* Still, the concept was a hit* in the making as Lennon took three songs he’d been working on previously and formed them into this now-classic Beatles tune (for the record, I do know it’s not about firearms and is a sexual metaphor).

That is very exciting, but not as exciting as the ass gun.

*PUHLEASE if you are going to source everything from the Wikipedia READ THE GODDAMNED WIKIPEDIA, GODDAMN IT! And what the fuck is that shit about Lynyrd Skynyrd's top charting hit?

Pardon le Dopeness

This upload came with the greatest captcha EVAR:

Jeepers

That's a bold artistic statement, that is.

Predating J. Vernon McGee Experiments

Pat Robertson plus The Melvins:



Note the most awesomest break ever at 1:44.

Spam Worth Preserving

From this thread:



See that? A cereal thread, tigris summons the toilets as we have seen so many times before, and the spammer ties it all up with something almost incomprehensibly simple and somehow nonsensical, and finishes off with a whopping topic change.

Jeez whiz, we CAN blame tigris!

The Dog (Also the Gerbil)

A dog is an idiot's sort of a pet,
The middle is smelly and both ends are wet.
They gnaw on your sweater and stockings and shoes,
And it's YOU who has to go gather their poos.



UPDATE!

ckc (not kc) said...

...does this mean you don't want to see a picture of my cute gerbil?

October 7, 2011 6:14 PM

Gerbils will kill you AND YOUR WHOLE FAMILY.

The owners of gerbils are instantly smitten,
But that is before they are constantly bitten
And gnawed from the ribcage straight through to the heart:
It's a gerbil's audition for Brown Jenkin's part.

In Search of the Principled Conservative

Ramesh "Reasonable I Swear" Ponnuru:

Ben Shapiro flatly predicts that Mitt Romney, if nominated, will lose the general election because conservatives will be too unexcited about him to vote against Obama. Shapiro sees the primary as a battle between the establishment and tea partiers. He concludes, “If the establishment GOP succeeds in nominating Mitt Romney, it will be able to add another black mark to its long record of failure.”

One of the cool things about being a conservative is that you can be a complete fucking fool and get taken seriously by the house organs. Shapiro goes on to write shit like this:

But the establishment GOP sees the Tea Party as a threat, for two reasons. First, they think that the Tea Party is more interested in principle than victory. They look at Sharron Angle and Christine O'Donnell and they see a descent back to the losing days of Barry Goldwater. In this, they may be right. Many of those in the Tea Party would rather run principled candidates who lose than elect Democrat-lites who proceed to corrupt both the government and conservatism itself from within. In this view, at least there will be clear lines of blame when liberals drive the ship of state into the jagged rocks of reality.

Second, the establishment GOP is not aligned with the philosophy of the Tea Party. They like the philosophy of a Democrat-lite: more efficient, effective government, but not necessarily a smaller one. This is the philosophy of Mitt Romney, who rips Rick Perry for stating that Social Security is a Ponzi scheme (which it is), who established a health care mandate in the state of Massachusetts, who supports Obama's continued nationalization of education, whose tax cutting talk is weak tea at best.

Does David Frum read that bullshit too? How much work is it to respond only to arguments you think might be rendered as sane in a column like that?

Back to Ponnuru:

But wait a minute. If Romney wins the nomination, he’ll win it the same way McCain and Dole and the Bushes won it: by getting more primary votes than anyone else. Of their own free will anti-Romney conservatives have elected, so far, not to unite behind any alternative candidate. The party establishment has influence only to the extent primary voters let it, and it is those voters who deserve whatever praise or blame attaches to the choice of nominee.

Yes, Ponnuru has to point out that if Romney wins the nomination people will have voted for him.

Strangely, Ponnuru leaves out the main assertion: Mitt will lose because disgruntled conservatives won't turn out.

Which disgruntlement factor is more powerful? I don't believe the internal mythology lets you pass up a chance to slay the dragon.

Can People Read the Little Black Notes?

The kids today:

I have a tattoo which is made up of the sheet music to my favourite Boyzone song - Isn't It A Wonder? - around my right ankle. People think I'm mad, but I point out that if I want to I can tell them it's Bach or the Rolling Stones instead of the actual truth.

Paraplegic Chess Pieces

Well the picture didn't quite work out, but I'm unlikely to take it again.

Notes.

Moncton

So here we are.



As usual Jesus is threatening to throw small animals to their doom unless his demands are met.



Why throw them away? Why not ensconce them in pastry with mushrooms?



Other ghastly creatures die naked.



The blueberry ale, as it turns out, is not overwhelming like those Belgian fruity monstrosities and is kind of nice. But AFTER the lobster, you savages.



The verdict: Moncton is dreary but survivable. The town council should look into importing more particle physicists.

Fuck, Missed It

Late to the party:

More Horribly Hilarious than Ever!

Is that the wheezing grunt of a gastro-intestinally challenged Pekinese or the succulent, squelchy scrunch of a thousand slimy sea snails under foot? No, it is far worse and MUCH more amusing.

Back by popular demand – it’s the best of the worst poetry in the universe.

Last fall as part of the Library’s One Book, One Vancouver presentation of the cult classic The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, dozens of enthusiastic non-poets presented some of the best worst poetry ever and then asked for more!

So on September 22 a second Vogon Poetry Slam & Vog-Off will take place at the Central Library. If you would like to be considered for the competition please email two of your worst Vogon poems to L2programs@vpl.ca or drop them off at the Central Library, Level 2 Information desk by September 19.

I have a back-catalogue and everything.

Sing, Sing a Song

The Bastard informs us that Glenn Beck will be producing kiddie content.



Obama wants to rule the world
Leftists run the news
Internationalists sold us out
Graft is what they use
ACORN's stealing all the votes
Revolutionaries enslave
Hidden agendas will kill us all
Y not join the fascist wave?