Sunday, July 17, 2011

The Beauty of Faith

Here are excerpts from Laura Ingraham's new book:
I understand why so many churchgoers are in need of grace, because an awful lot of them display so very little.
That's right, Christians suck.
Why, knowing that you are about to shake hands with fellow congregants, either at the start of a service or during the sign of peace, would you pick your nose?
Also Christians delight in spreading filth.
Do these rude people (who I think have season tickets to the pew in front of mine) imagine that we don’t see them sneaking a dig?
Christians think others are oblivious to their disgusting behaviour.
Confession: I have actually gotten up and taken my children to the back of the church before the sign of peace to avoid shaking hands with the parish pickers.
The church is no place for a Christian.
My friend Ina told me she has seen people at her church’s “summer services” surfing the Internet on their iPhones.
Christians pay no attention.
They put the phones on mute and scroll through their texts and e-mail in the middle of Sunday observances.
Christians are selfish.
Just because it’s summer doesn’t mean you can “vacation” from decorum in the church!
Christians don't get vacations.
The summer weather seems to bring out the worst in some churchgoers, and it’s not just what they are doing, but what they are wearing.
The Christian wardrobe is appalling.
As the temperature rises, beachwear becomes the norm in some congregations.
Christians beach beach beach.
Shorts, sarong-like wraps, swim trunks, and flip-flops (which some wear year-round) are routine.
Christians are responsible for the flip-flop epidemic.
Unless your church is on a sand dune, these fashions are not only unwelcome but scary to many fellow parishioners.
The flip-flop epidemic is SCARY.
It reminds me of the woman I once saw exit a confessional in full body-hugging spandex.
Christians and bodies and hugging don't mix.
I don’t know if there was a spin class in there or what — but this was one spiritually dissonant image I could have lived without.
Christians want to live without.
The only thing possibly more obnoxious than the outrageous church fashions is the couples who are forever caressing each other in the pews.
Christians are horny as goats.
I suppose they do it initially to acknowledge a point of mutual interest being made from the pulpit.
The Bible makes you want to stroke your partner.
But there are other cases of roving fingers that I can’t explain at all.
Christians keep trying to get away with stuff.
One man I saw rubbed his wife’s back for an entire sermon.
Christianity is a massage parlour.
I’ve also seen people stroke their partner’s arms, legs, necks, even buttocks during services.
Christians are ass-grabbers.
Excuse me, but this is supposed to be worship, not a conjugal visit!
Christian sex is prison sex.
The only conception I’m even remotely interested in thinking about during church is of the immaculate variety.
Christians are constantly checking people's asses to make sure they won't be distracted by asses.

And that, friends, is why Laura Ingraham is so happy to be a Christian.


M. Bouffant said...

Excellent. Could have shared the title, 'though: Of Thee I Zing: America’s Cultural Decline from Muffin Tops to Body Shots.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Hmm... cultural decline... does she discuss the degeneration of public discourse into rage-filled, bigotry-inspired tirades?

Didn't think so...

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

She's a lovely person, isn't she?

mikey said...

Memo to Miss Laura:
You avoid touching people you observed picking their nose. Ok, probably a reasonable, if somewhat overwrought strategy. But always remember - just because you DIDN'T see them pick their nose (or worse - you also have no evidence they washed their hands after taking a crap) doesn't mean they're all scrubbed up and ready for surgery, if you know what I mean and I think you doo doo.

I mean, let's do something bizarre for a christianist and be honest, shall we? People are covered with fluids, germs, fecal matter and the widest variety of filth and putrescence imaginable. That dood you saw two knuckles deep in his nostril? Might have been the most sterile stranger you're going to meet all day.


ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Perfect product for Laura.

As seen at Mock, Paper, Scissors.

Sirius Lunacy said...

Didn't Jesus wear a sarong like wrap and flip-flops?

Also, wouldn't it be nice if she was more concerned with actual peace during the sign of peace rather than the nasal hygeine of her fellow chuch goers?

Dr.KennethNoisewater said...

Christians sound kind of hot. I'm becoming a Christian. Just to annoy Laura.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

what could be more Christian than dying and coming back to life?

Dr.KennethNoisewater said...

Zombie Jesus!

Dr.KennethNoisewater said...

w/v is "pregost."

omg, I didn't know ghosts could get pregnant!!!!