Recommended Bear and Puma Selections

Is Iraq going well? Sadly, No! Fortunately, there is a plan.

I left inspirational verse in comments which I reproduce here out of laziness. Forgive me. Please please forgive me.


Fly bears to Iraq
And they’ll chomp on the Sunnis
Shredding their faces
As if they were bunnies

Send pumas as well
And they’ll gnaw on the Shia
Testing the limits of
Onomatopoeia


Bears snarl through the mosques
Unicycling through blood
Like bears from that Garp guy
Not Bernard Malamud

The pumas leap downward
From verandas and trees
Eating every Iraqi’s
Much-prized Pekingese


Bears lope down the alleyways
Pawing through trash
Uncovering bales of
American cash

Pumas slink through the brothels
And slash at the johns
Showing Ali no mercy
Hassan flees in chiffon


Bears swing from the wires
And end up in the shower
They come out unshocked as
The wires have no power

Pumas munch on the snipers
And sniff at their guns
Paw at their crotches
And nip at their buns


The pumas head North
Sneaking into Mosul
Grinding their teeth
Into torso and skull

They start up a brief
Dairy factory fray
Just to find out if
They like Kurds and whey


Bears provide an answer
To that darned Iraqi cancer

Pumas will clean up
What the bears don’t deign to sup


Bears came swimming
Down the Tigris
Smelling stinky
But I digress

Once ashore
They ate a boatman
And then that was
All she wrote man


Pumas slurp the marrow of the dread Iraqi horde
Bears will chew their sinews with a passion untoward
The rivers and the streams will all run red with blood and then
The beasts march to Afghanistan to kill and kill again


Bears? Why you can
Go to hell sir
The army is
Don’t ask don’t tell sir


The noble puma stalks Iraq
Snapping bones in sneak attacks
The valiant bear patrols the streets
Feasting on insurgent meat

For freedom! Mangle brownish tots!
For justice! Slaughter girls in lots!
Let Liberty’s Paw smash brains to pulp!
And Peace’s Maw rend flesh to gulp!


While a bear started eating his leg
An insurgent was then heard to beg
“Bear spare me! Have pity!”
And the bear thought it witty
To let pumas crack his skull like an egg