Sunday, July 22, 2007

A Chilling Vision of the Future

After destroying America's economy George W. Bush is driven from office. His own fortune swallowed in a Ponzi scheme originated by Vice-President-in-Perpetuity Cheney (Bush was last to join) and his parental allowance cut off until he pays the country back for breaking its window, Bush seeks employment, knowing Social Security will not be there to bail him out. Lacking talent, experience, skill in the English language or good will from anyone who can place his face, he finds the job market unforgiving.

Job 1: The Payroll Loan Cashier
Bush works long evenings alone in a glass booth in the loaning cash at exorbitant interest rates to the desperate, a job he keeps for months as his customers are too defeated to complain about the contempt he holds them in. He is eventually robbed, soiling himself when confronted with a gun. The day-shift uploads the surveillance video to YouTube and Bush quits.

Job 2: The Telephone Solicitor
Unable to coherently read his script aloud, Bush alarms several elderly individuals who call Homeland Security. Bush's employers take time out from insurance rip-off promotion to point and laugh when officers apply modest physical pressure to their soon-to-be-fired employee in an attempt to gather information relating to whatever they make up on the spot.

Job 3: The Blogger
After one post, the complete text of which is a title reading "is this werking hello hello", Bush abandons this surefire route to riches. The librarians are relieved not to have "that guy" hanging around any more.

Job 4: The Sandwich-Board Clowner
Bush wears a rainbow wig and clown nose with a sandwich board advertising Tailfins, a car-wash featuring bikini-clad young women. The owner of Tailfins realizes quickly that bikini-clad women would be better at advertising bikini-clad women, and Bush's brief and unsuccessful tenure is cut short thanks to market efficiency.

Job 5: The Salter
Among other chores, Bush applies salt to French fries at a Wendy's. He is warned and then fired after customer complaints follow his experiments with a so-called "Salt and Awe" technique. After briefly threatening to become the Assaulter, taller men persuade him to leave.

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