Thursday, May 17, 2012

Things You Can Steal

This seems like a pretty good plan if you're skilled:
Greenwich police have arrested a Bridgeport man linked to diamond thefts in three other area towns after he allegedly swapped out the valuable stone from a Greenwich resident's ring and replaced it with a fake while working in the victim's home as an exterminator.
In the hierarchy of things you can steal, diamonds seem to me to be of about the import of a loaf of bread, particularly if they're already in a setting and you can get those nice cubic zirconia replacements. Once purchased, they do nothing but assure people that they spent money once. I endorse diamond theft.

Maybe there should be a list of the relative awfulness of items to steal. Worst comes first, suggestions for items and reordering welcome:

1. Children
2. Houses
3. Vehicles
4. Livestock
5. Money
6. Computers
7. Televisions
8. Phones
9. Alcohol
10. Drugs
11. Books
12. Gasoline
13. Clothing
14. Jewellry
15. Food
16. Candy

26 comments:

vacuumslayer said...

I would like to get the term "Like stealing diamonds from a baby" into circulation.

Yay, Diamonds and Pearls!

vacuumslayer said...

What about hearts?

Substance McGravitas said...

You mean like someone steals a styrofoam cooler with a heart in it?

vacuumslayer said...

LOL!
No.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

alcohol needs to be up ahead of drugs.

Dragon-King Wangchuck said...

What about other internal organs?

Are we talking about just teh effect of teh transfer of ownership, or does teh actually transfer process count? Someone stealing the car you left running in a no parking zone while you got a coffee is entirely different than being a carjacking victim.

Because, I'd put vehicles further down the list - the recovery rate for stolen cars is pretty darned high (bikes not so much).

Dragon-King Wangchuck said...

What about other internal organs?

Are we talking about just teh effect of teh transfer of ownership, or does teh actually transfer process count? Someone stealing the car you left running in a no parking zone while you got a coffee is entirely different than being a carjacking victim.

Because, I'd put vehicles further down the list - the recovery rate for stolen cars is pretty darned high (bikes not so much).

Substance McGravitas said...

I was kind of looking at it in the "items you'll miss" sense, and assuming the crime was perfect. So you get your car stolen in any circumstance, and I'd say it's more valuable than the average poodle.

Substance McGravitas said...

Alcohol added. Renumbering is a pain.

zombie rotten mcdonald said...

alcohol will help with that pain.

Substance McGravitas said...

In the fridge waiting. Also the freezer.

UNLESS IT HAS BEEN STOLEN. And then it moves way way up the list.

Dragon-King Wangchuck said...

In that case,
1. Condom

Smut Clyde said...

But did the exterminator guy kill the cockroaches?

Substance McGravitas said...

He should have soldered them on to some earrings.

tigris said...

He took the real cockroaches and left little plastic ones in their place.

M. Bouffant said...

Don't give a damn about the first four at all. (Which is not to say I wouldn't steal them, of course.) Where would I keep a house, 'though?

Booze & dope are pretty fungible. It's not as if you're keeping them as souvenirs.

And candy is food. (Eat some, you'll feel better & not make mistakes.)

Substance McGravitas said...

Where would I keep a house, 'though?

In various suburbs of the inland empire.

Smut Clyde said...

Once purchased, [diamonds] do nothing but assure people that they spent money once.

You never know when you might need to scratch a hole in a plate-glass window, e.g. for stealing moar diamonds.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

You mean like someone steals a styrofoam cooler with a heart in it?

I was going to dust it with cumin and grill it! Now I gots to go out for pizza.

mikey said...

At the risk of living up to my reputation, weapons are always a very good choice to steal.

I used to go down to Seaport in Sacramento every Friday night and buy pistols and gems from the junkie burglars.

I got a few wrong - stones that weren't - but as long as they're in their original settings you can make a pretty good judgement. And when the cost is five cents on the dollar you can afford to guess wrong now and then.

Guns you can always sell at a helluva profit. Trust me - go into a bar at midnight with a paper sack full of pistols. Every drunk suburban wannabe who never had a gun to call his own will pay you five hundred bucks for a sixty dollar .38 revolver or stolen wondernine...

Smut Clyde said...

I am now banned from four different pubs and it is ALL MIKEY'S FAULT.

vacuumslayer said...

I swear, mikey is like a character from some kooky crime novel.

Helmut Monotreme said...

What about kidneys? like in those urban legends about waking up in a bathtub of ice with a brand new set of stitches and a note to see a doctor in a hurry?

Substance McGravitas said...

Hmm, doesn't one usually get left behind? It's not like you need that extra one...

fish said...

Hmm, doesn't one usually get left behind?

Some people have four kidneys.

Substance McGravitas said...

So organs: slightly beneath televisions?