Saturday, September 1, 2012

The Mother of All Elections

Dan Coyle was kind enough to point us at Gary Graham:
Say goodbye now, before it gets too obvious. But don’t let them know you’re saying goodbye. Just invite them out to lunch or over for a barbecue. Or meet for coffee … just casual … no big deal.

Nobody need know that it’s really a bit of a farewell. They may get over it … after a decade or so … and your friendship can resume. But I speak from the experience of one who has lost many, many "close, personal friends" after Presidential elections.
What? You're from Iraq?
Liberal friends, that is.
Ha ha, no. See, all the conservatives were sent to the FEMA camps and gassed to death. Lampshades for all! All who are left! Also the cafeterias are 250% more interesting. It's a shame that the rivers have all turned to blood: I blame GLOBAL WARMING.
You see, after November 6, your Liberal friends are not going to want to speak to you. President Barack Obama is going to go down in defeat and forever be known as the one-term failure who against all odds, managed the impossible: He usurped Jimmy Carter’s ironclad title of "Worst President in History."
Fuck book learning! You will wonder how I was able to call this.
And your Liberal friends are going to blame you.

Their vitriol and disgust with you will be veiled. Creepily polite. In fact, their bending over backwards to prove to you that they, being unapologetic Liberals, are so open-minded and gracious in defeat (even though Mitt Romney, or course, will have stolen the election; for as anyone knows, Republicans can’t win an office unless they steal it) and they will be dripping with sweetness and charity for you, the sadly deluded, yet newly empowered Conservative.
Dastardly liberals are your pals while they have their antichrist in office, but once he's turfed they keep pretending to be your pals! YOU WILL NOTICE.
The charade will require Herculean effort on their part to keep from gnashing their teeth to the nubs, and the general tension arising at this farewell meeting of not discussing the elephant (literally) in the room will be excruciating -- but keep a gentle smile omnipresent and love them graciously and sweetly. And hug them at your departure the hug of someone watching a friend going off to die.
All right, we've had fun so far, but let's get realistic. Gary Graham is oblivious to the fact that people get kind of scared when you invite them over and there in the room is a literal elephant. Of course your liberal guests are polite! They are enviro-communists and love nature and they may smile at the beautiful creature crushing the chandelier against the ceiling, but then they have to step around it to get to the bathroom and they find that nature is in actuality a free market trading physical attributes for Certain Death and THEN they'll regret the Democratic congress prohibiting bazookas.
They of course won’t die.
HA.
But the pain of losing their hope and change, and worse … that newly reignited fear deep, deep down inside of them … that terror of the possibility that everything they’ve been professing with such arrogant condescension all their lives, that certainty of correctness and intellectualism that they’ve clothed themselves in, crowned themselves with, setting them so far above us common sense cretins for decades … that spark of consciousness will threaten them to their core … with the possibility that everything they believe in is total horseshit.
Every election this happens. People understand that because some disappointingly small minority of potential voters has elected a guy that their argument is invalid. No suicide is so tragic as when some new movie tops the American box-office totals and the art world's principles are reset.
And they will leave your life.

Because that Liberal friend ain’t-a-gonna talk to y’all again.

Well… at least not for 8 years.
Perhaps you mistake despair for a seething desire for REVENGE.

The one I am sworn to destroy...IS MY OWN MOTHER!

UPDATE!

Contra Gary:
Jaynie59

It annoys the hell out of me when people who claim to be conservative also claim they have liberals friends. No, they don't. They may have liberal relatives and co-workers or neighbors they can't avoid but that doesn't make them friends. They're people you have to put up with because you can't avoid them.

No conservative in their right mind would be friends with a liberal. Why would want to be friends with someone who hates this country and every thing it stands for, hates Christianity and believes it is responsible for killing more people in the history of the world than any other philosophy, and honestly and truly wants all conservatives to die slow, painful deaths. Why would you want to be friends with anybody who holds so much hate in them for everything you hold dear?

You don't have any liberal friends. And if you really consider a liberal a good friend, you ain't no conservative.

7 comments:

mikey said...

And indeed, at long last, THIS is what it's come down to. When all the ideological specifics have been forgotten, there remain but two tribes, driven by nothing so much as their mutual fear and loathing, two teams who are well on the way to having lost the ability to share the planet with one another.

Personally? I blame American Football...

vacuumslayer said...

Wingnuts really oughtta quit masturbating while blogging. It's unseemly.

vacuumslayer said...

Also...thank you (???) Dan Coyle. Dude. I'm ABOUT TO EAT.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

Standard gooper projection.
~

Another Kiwi said...

I believe Mr McGravitas pointed out in 2008 "It's the Electoral College votes"
It's not feeling good because your Main Man out argued a chair, it's not because (Jack) Ryan managed to not lie at some stage it's not even that Rmoney's programmers got that walking and talking shit worked out.
It's electoral college votes and you are on the dust cart.
But, you know, hugging people is nice.

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

He usurped Jimmy Carter’s ironclad title of "Worst President in History."

Not even close, Danny boy.

And indeed, at long last, THIS is what it's come down to. When all the ideological specifics have been forgotten, there remain but two tribes, driven by nothing so much as their mutual fear and loathing, two teams who are well on the way to having lost the ability to share the planet with one another.

We're living in a land where sex and horror are the new gods.

tigris said...

Why would want to be friends with someone who hates this country and every thing it stands for, hates Christianity and believes it is responsible for killing more people in the history of the world than any other philosophy, and honestly and truly wants all conservatives to die slow, painful deaths. Why would you want to be friends with anybody who holds so much hate in them for everything you hold dear?

They're also condescending, arrogant, and ALWAYS WRONG because their ideas are so stupid, plus they're just pretending to be nice when they really think that elephant makes your living room look fat and they JUST WON'T DIE. I so hate those hateful bastards!