Thursday, September 1, 2011

Kiddie Books for Commies

I recommend The Very Persistent Gappers of Frip.
The story centers around a young girl named Capable who lives in the three-house town of Frip, overlooking the sea. For longer than anyone can remember, our protagonist, her widowed father and her neighbors (the Ronsons and the Romos) have been besieged by gappers -- strange creatures that look sort of like bright orange baseball-sized burrs with multiple eyes (most hilariously depicted in Smith's illistrations). The gappers, for some inexplicable reason, manifest their love for the goats, whose milk is the town's entire economy, by attaching themselves to the hapless animals and then shreiking with joy, which causes the goats to lose sleep and stop making milk. Before long, one of the smarter gappers realizes that Capable's house is closest to the sea in which they dwell when not bothering goats and convinces the rest of its ilk to concentrate their efforts solely there, thus turning Capable's goats into massive, wailing balls of gappers, while the neighbors' herds are left alone.

The Sisyphean task of brushing away the ceaselessly returning gappers takes up all of Capable's time. Her selfish neighbors react to her pleas for help with the peculiar logic of a trademark Saunders response: "Not that we're saying we're better than you, necessarily, its just that since gappers are bad, and since you and you alone have them, it only stands to reason that you are not, perhaps, quite as good as us. Not that we hate you! We don't. We even sort of like you."



Compare and contrast: gapper vs. Kaus.




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13 comments:

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I see Frip and my brain short-circuits.
~

Dragon-King Wangchuck said...

The gappers, for some inexplicable reason, manifest their love for the goats,,,

OMG. Mickey Kaus is an ORB!

Substance McGravitas said...

I swear I was gonna post a Kaus pic. He'd make a good gapper.

fish said...

I love stinky cheese man.

Dragon-King Wangchuck said...

Looks like Kaus is concealing his gapper identity by hiding all his extra eyes. The comparison would be obvious if only there were a way of dragging and dropping extra eyes onto Mickey.

Substance McGravitas said...

Service is our middle name.

mikey said...

Finally one day, frustrated, angry, exhausted and quite thirsty, Capable wrote a letter to the White House. "These Gappers are a Homeland Security problem", she vouchsafed. "And it is up to the government to protect the Goat milk industry from their terrorist activities".

Because nobody knew what else to do with it, the letter ended up on Vice President Dick Cheney's desk. In a flash of insight, Cheney recognized it for what it wast - nothing short of an existential threat to the United States of White People who do not milk Goats. "Get me Addington and Feith" he shouted into the hallway. "We'll by god put an end to this Gapper extremist violence or I'll shoot somebody in the FACE!"

In no time, a plan was planned. It was planned in no time because it was, like, one paragraph. One SHORT paragraph. "What could possibly go wrong?", Feith asked. That very night, a special operations raid was conducted on Fripp, with US Navy SEALs coming ashore in RHIBs (as was SOP in that AO)and feeding the goats a highly effective Goat-o-toxin that was originally developed by Merk-A-Pharm as an acne medication until it's deadly toxic side effects were noted in the third double blind study. Cheney had ordered a fifty five gallon drum of the toxin, brand named "Maple Syrup by Merk-A-Pharm, for six hundred billion dollars and had it delivered to the SEALs at SEAL HQ.

By morning, all the Goats were dead and the Gappers, having nothing better to do, sat on the telephone wires and flicked Gapper-Boogers at the townspeople. There was no Goat milk to drink, and soon the town was ankle deep in boogers.

Capable went to see Vice President Dick Cheney to complain about his solution. He patted her on the head. "Freedom's not free, Capable" he explained. "Say! I know what'll make you feel better. Let's go bird hunting!"

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Obviously, "Gapper" is an anti-Reagan slur. Is there no humanity?

Substance McGravitas said...

"Say! I know what'll make you feel better. Let's go bird hunting!"

Ho ho, Capable is not rich and would never be invited anywhere with Cheney.

mikey said...

Typically, that would be true, but by this point in his administration, Cheney was finding it increasingly difficult to get ANYONE to go bird hunting with him.

He probably figured he could bamboozled Capable...

Smut Clyde said...

A monster made of eyes!

Smut Clyde said...

When Gappers go bad.

vacuumslayer said...

Service is our middle name.

That's pretty weird, but no weirder than "Capable, I guess.

The illustrations are gorgeous. I'm getting this for the little dude.