My Lovely Daughter

She's the one in black.

A further illustration:

Stimulus

Via Pharyngula we see that red states require more porn.

When will Obama think of the needs of the common meat-beater?

News I Can Use

I went looking for Michelle's arms but I believe they have been smuggled over the Syrian border.

Why Didn't I Expect This?

What overbroad and overblown characters need to really shine is a medium that can tone some of that down and make them human.

"...carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort and past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating eyebrows..."

So I says "Gary," I says, "the great thing about us liberal communist fascists is that we have the integrity to NEVER DROP ROTATING EYEBROWS ON SCOTT STAPP." And he says "The fact is you are wrong and human nature dictates that a rational actor will drop rotating eyebrows on Scott Stapp" and so right there and then I bet him NINE DOLLARS that no way would my comrades and comradettes ever do such a thing.

UPDATE: MR. STAPP HAS AN ENTICINGLY LARGE FOREHEAD.

PELICAN A AIR AM AROUND BADGER BRICK CAT CLAM CUZ DED DOOD DRAG DRINKED DUST EATED FORGOT FUNNY GET GOO HA I IF IT ITS JOKE KIN SHREDS MAH MAKE MUSTASH NO NOO NOW ON OOPS POO POOP POOPS POST SMART TEH TELL U WONT WURDZ RATE FOR
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

I Agree that Burt Prelutsky is Old

The staff do not allow Mr. Prelutsky to see movies:

In fact, the last time I recall a movie about a professor that any normal person would wish to spend time with was the 1948 release, “Apartment for Peggy,” and even in that one, Edmund Gwenn spent most of his time planning to commit suicide.

That's embarrassing enough, but here:

Feeling, as I do, that most professors, aside from those teaching science or math, are over-paid, under-worked, left-wing narcissists infatuated with the sound of their own voices, it makes perfect sense that it would be nearly impossible to make a movie about them that wasn’t a slapstick comedy.

And there we have it. Because I can't remember stuff, THOSE GUYS SUCK!

Sleep soundly:

How Will the Academy Survive the Loss of a Small Subset of Cretins?

Andrew Klavan:

So let me make sure I have this straight. They make movies belittling our troops while they’re in harm’s way; they despise the manners and morals of most Americans; their patriotism is dependent on the results of the last election. And now they get together to give each other prizes and we’re supposed to care because… why?

You are not supposed to care. Nobody invites the nosepicker to the party.

Just Desserts

Dessert battles abound here:

Kid: Wait wait! You forgot dessert!
Me: There's no dessert after breakfast.
Kid: You promised!
Me: When did I promise that?
Kid: You forgot to promise!

Dystopia

Disappointed Chris Muir:

In the liberal future hot babes are not allowed to wear hot clothes.

Independence and Strength

308813062 (1 day ago) Show Hide
People are ridiculously stupid. They rate poorly the comments of those who are for Tom, and those who are against him get good rates! FU! Rate my comment however u want, I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT!

UPDATE:

I just got this stupid account and it's already downloaded the contents of my brain:



A FURTHER AND MORE IMPORTANT UPDATE:

308813062 has a prior comment in Russian. Let us use the Interhorn of Plenty to sort it all out:

I AGREE COMPLETELY.

Curse You Rusty Shackleford

Tigrismus Enhanced:



FYI here's the construction for anyone with access to a Mac:

Go to userscripts.org and get something that'll download video off YouTube. Download whatever you're interested in.

I could not bear to watch the whole Crowder video, or indeed the first minute of it. To get the stills I used Quicktime (you'll need to register it somehow, har har) and exported the video to an image sequence. Choosing stills that look like they might represent certain sounds is then pretty easy. Naming the stills after the sounds keeps 'em organized; I harvested at least a couple of each sound I expected Stapp to mutter. Avoided looking up the lyrics.

iMovie 3.03 lets you drop stills on a timeline, and you can squish or stretch the duration of still A by sliding still B after it to the right or left. Drop stills as appropriate. Slipping bits of audio in is trivial. The sandwich required one frame of sophistimacated Photoshoppery which you can see at the 30 second mark.

So: really not too much work at all. Which explains why I am so so very productive.

A First

Used at LGM:

"I hear the streets are paved with pork."

Republicans: behind the curve.

Mike Long, Corrupted By Hollywood

First:

Update: Still No Late Night Obama Humor
by Tim Slagle

In the short span between my last review and today, we’ve seen the President sign a stimulus package so full of pork that Obama’s father would have been forbidden to touch it, along with a

Yeah yeah, Mr. Boring. Who gives a shit?

Posted Feb 19th 2009 at 5:16 am in Media Criticism, Political Humor | Comments (74)

I see. Moving on...

Eat Yer Peas, Drink Yer Milk
by Mike Long

Surely many gay Americans have seen Gus Van Sant’s Milk through tears of joy because it marks a long-hoped-for arrival. For the first time in mainstream entertainment (at least, this is the picture that got all the fanfare), the history of the gay rights movement is presented as an elemental and welcome part of the story of the U.S., and not as a sidebar or novel supplement to the Great Historical Narrative.

Gays deserve equal rights. As a human being, that’s the only position I can possibly hold. However, you can be in complete solidarity with the cause of gay rights and not care much for Milk.

Hey, Reasonable Person! How'd that go?

Posted Feb 19th 2009 at 5:19 am in Reviews | Comments (0)

Huh. Well I can't believe that the normally lively and jumping Big Hollywood would suddenly get an intertube crammed by some kind of technical...oh here we go:

10,000 Violent Women and One Screenwriter, Part V
by Robert J. Avrech

Note: Links to previous chapters are found at the end of this post.

EXT. PRISON - DAY
The Screenwriter, alternately known to the inmates as Mr. Hollywood, Mr. Screenplay Writer and Mr. Clueless, sits with Eden, an attractive prisoner who is

So what, you're a perv. Anybody care?

Posted Feb 19th 2009 at 6:25 am in Entertainment | Comments (16)

Well, back to normal I guess.

Haw.

Context.

FAIL

"I said, 'Good morning, welcome to the Crystal Cathedral.' " She asked the man, "Where are you from?" He replied, "Oh, from around here." He handed Spicer a folded note written in Magic marker. Tucked into the middle of the note was his driver's license and what appeared to be a business card. As he was walking down the aisle, she began reading the note, which referred to a truck in the parking lot and a gun.

"The next minute, there was a pop," Spicer said. "I thought he was praying. I didn't realize he had shot himself."

Yvette Manson, a volunteer usher, said she was talking to the tourists when she heard a shot that she likened to a firecracker. "I had just been telling them about the suicide prevention ministry we have."

I Am Awful

Wrestler's chihuahua
Rests in the last sleeper hold
Wake at Taco Bell

Gamecock On!

Witness:

That time passed over twenty years ago, with the election of Barack Obama as the first black President being the result of the proof of the passing of the need, not the cause.

There’s a…hole in the election of Barack Obama as the first black President being the result of the proof of the passing of the need, not the cause in the bottom of the sea,

There’s a hole in the election of Barack Obama as the first black President being the result of the proof of the passing of the need, not the cause in the bottom of the sea,

There’s a hole, there’s a hole,

There’s a hole in the election of Barack Obama as the first black President being the result of the proof of the passing of the need, not the cause in the bottom of the sea.

Addendum

Silly atheist gets a poetical come-uppance here.

I wrote a naïve additional verse:

The atheist’s pain is sent by God
Who torments them with glee
And yet as flesh gets poked with prod
The luckless in the theist squad
Say “Where’s the gain for me?”

What follows that in the thread, thanks to Rich Puchalsky, are a variety of pointers to explanations that yes, an atheist in torment is a boon to theists. Yes indeed. No doubt about it.

The Wail of Disappointment

Mike Long:

Horror pictures have become an assembly-line operation. They rarely feature an original story and differ from each other only in the order in which they deploy the standard scary-movie tricks such as Loud Noise During Quiet Passage, Surprise Face In Mirror, Evil Child With Horrifying Prediction, and Creepy Image On Common Item.

There are young, will-work-for-cheap writers and directors out there who could have given Friday the 13th a surprising and engaging new direction.

Yes, they could totally have done that. Instead, THE REMAKE OF FRIDAY THE 13TH IS UNIMPRESSIVE.

UPDATE:

Dialogue with Children

At fast-food dispensary:

Child: Let's do it backwards.
Me: What?
C: We eat the dessert first.
M: No.
C: But backwards is my favourite opposite!

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

M: Are you chewing gum?
C: Yeah.
M: Where did you sneak it?
C: A pack in my room. I am a sneaker and my dad is an old tennis shoe.

A Promising Start

From A Story without Heroes: The Cautionary Tale of Malt Liquor:

At Gluek Brewing in Minneapolis, Minnesota, Alvin Gluek had a similar idea in 1942. The grandson of the brewery's founder, Alvin was happiest in the laboratory, tinkering. And one day, he found a way to brew a beer that would use less malt but have more of a kick. He named his malt liquor Sparkling Stite by Gluek [...]

Okay, not so promising.

Alternate names:

Gluek's Glitter
Alvinhol
Maltese Fullcan
Guts Beer
Torrid Water

This Seems Obvious...

...but Creed sucks.

Thanks t4toby.

Information YOU Can USE

Gentlemen, SHIELD THE EYES OF YOUR CHILDREN, for these are

Strange facts about the father of evolution

YES THEY ARE! For it seems that

Darwin was squeaky clean, but not everything about him was normal
By Robin Lloyd
updated 1:19 p.m. PT, Wed., Feb. 11, 2009

Did I not warn you? Don your protective gear AS WE LEARN THESE STRANGE FACTS WHICH ARE EDITED FOR BREVITY!

Stinky feet [...]
Tough dad [...]
Seasick [...]
Missing the boat — Darwin almost missed the boat (OK, the ship) that took him to the Galapagos Islands [...]
Iffy on marriage [...]
Foot-dragger — Darwin delayed the publication of On the Origin of Species for more than two decades [...]
Almost scooped — In the late 1850s, it became clear to Darwin that British naturalist Alfred Russel Wallace also had come up with a similar theory of evolution [...]
Ho-hum reaction — The publication of Darwin's and Wallace's work was a non-event at first. [...]
Family losses — Darwin and his wife had 10 children, but three of them died at young ages [...]
Christian, then agnostic [...]
Sickly life — Darwin was incapacitated by various illnesses of unknown origin for much of his adult life [...]

I have said that Robin Lloyd refused to tell me what final horror made her scream out so insanely-a horror which, I feel sadly sure, is mainly responsible for her present breakdown. We had snatches of shouted conversation above the wind’s piping and the engine’s buzzing as we reached the safe side of the range and swooped slowly down toward the camp, but that had mostly to do with the pledges of secrecy we had made as we prepared to leave the nightmare city. Certain things, we had agreed, were not for people to know and discuss lightly-and I would not speak of them now but for the need of heading off that Gregg Easterbrook Expedition, and others, at any cost. It is absolutely necessary, for the peace and safety of mankind, that some of earth’s dark, dead corners and unplumbed depths be let alone; lest sleeping abnormalities wake to resurgent life, and blasphemously surviving nightmares squirm and splash out of their black lairs to newer and wider conquests.

THIS POST TOOK MERE MOMENTS TO UPDATE:
Immediately after composing this I noticed that the author obligingly seeks out Gregg Easterbrook for some fucking reason.

Random Thoughts by Thomas Sowell

Lookit:

One of the most important skills for political success is the ability to make confident assertions of absurdities or lies.

Um...

I hate to hear about "partnerships" between government and business, or between government and other organizations. When there is a partnership between an ant and an elephant, who do you suppose makes the decisions?

This metaphor also works wonders with personal relationships.

There are too many people, especially among the intelligentsia, who will never appreciate the things that have made this country great until after those things have been destroyed -- with their help. Then, of course, it will be too late.

I confess: my Ph.D. project involves filling the Grand Canyon.

Do you want to have to jump through bureaucratic hoops when you are sick? If not, why would you be in favor of government-run medical care?

TO AVOID PAPERWORK. You'll have to trust me on this one.

Democrats could sell refrigerators to Eskimos before Republicans could sell them blankets.

Poor Eskimos: no blankets!

I know that there are still voices of sanity around because I have counted them-- on one hand.

[Crickets.]

Our economic problems worry me much less than our political solutions, which have a far worse track record.

That's because none of those political solutions have Made This Country Great. [See above, you forgetful thing you.]

The great sense of urgency of the Obama administration to get legislation to authorize slow-moving spending projects may seem inconsistent. But the urgency is real, even if the reasons given are not. The worse case scenario for the administration would be to have the economy begin to recover on its own before this massive spending bill is passed, reducing their chances of creating the kind of politically directed economy they want.

Yes, it would be terrible if things were going well come the next election.

I realized how far behind the times I am when I saw a TV commercial for some weight-loss product, showing Marie Osmond "before" and "after." I thought she looked great "before."

Ladies and gentlemen, the genius of Thomas Sowell.

Via Mr. Xecklothxayyquou Gilchrist

Somewhat old, but NOT TO ME SO THERE.

This year, 2009 marks the 43rd anniversary of the Royal Guardsmen's release of the hit record Snoopy vs. The Red Baron. This is a milestone not to be taken lightly.

[...]

No band returning from that long ago has the original members or any new recorded material out there for the Fans. Maybe they have run their course. The Royal Guardsmen have a great idea for celebrating the anniversary. Our course is clear and we think you're going to like this one. Snoopy vs. Osama is now for sale at www.shop.theroyalguardsmen.com

Happy 43rd Anniversary!

Source as usual.

The National Review on Brazil

Does irony have to be physically painful?

# 22: The Best Conservative Movies of the Last 25 Years [S.T. Karnick]

Brazil (1985): Vividly depicting the miserable results of elitist utopian schemes, Terry Gilliam’s Brazil portrays a darkly comic dystopia of malfunctioning high-tech equipment and the dreary living conditions common to all totalitarian regimes. Everything in the society is built to serve government plans rather than people. The film is visually arresting and inventive, with especially evocative use of shots that put the audience in a subservient position, just like the people in the film. Terrorist bombings, national-security scares, universal police surveillance, bureaucratic arrogance, a callous elite, perversion of science, and government use of torture evoke the worst aspects of the modern megastate.

— S. T. Karnick blogs at stkarnick.com.

UPDATE: Andrew Sullivan late to the party. Go figure.

Based on a True Story

Tumblerina, Tumblerina tiny drunken thing
Tumblerina dance, Tumblerina sing
Tumblerina what’s the difference if you’re very small?
When your glass is full of booze you’re nine feet tall

Though you’re no bigger than my thumb
Than my thumb, than my thumb
Sweet Tumblerina have some rum
Now now now, ah ah ah, come come come

Tumblerina, Tumblerina hooch besotten gal
Tumblerina laugh, everybody's pal
Tumblerina what’s the difference if you have one more?
If you plan on walking now you'll hit the floor

Though you’re no bigger than my toe
Than my toe, than my toe
Sweet Tumblerina keep that glow
And you’ll throw and you’ll throw and you’ll throw...up!

Tumblerina, Tumblerina puking on her dress
Tumblerina pee, Tumblerina mess
Tumblerina what’s the difference ambulance or hearse?
When you go out drinking you're a fucking curse.

The Rudiments of Perfume-Bottle French

Six-year old: [Unintelligible] is a kind of beer.
Me: What?
SYO: [Unintelligible] is a kind of beer.
Me: Huh?
SYO: LAAAAAZZZHHHAY is a kind of beer!
Me: Oh. You mean "lager".


Also go see the beginning of Snag and Jennifer's menagerie. They're up to C.

Boners

The Not-Really-the-President has gone too far!

CHANGING OF THE GUARD
Obama's Justice pick supports porn 'rights'
Ogden's clientele, legal arguments, raise alarms
Posted: February 03, 2009
8:58 pm Eastern
By Bob Unruh
© 2009 WorldNetDaily

President Obama has expressed his belief the U.S. Constitution should be interpreted through the lens of current events, and now he's apparently preparing to install as a senior official at the U.S. Justice Department a lawyer who goes one step further, advocating for constitutional protections for abortionists, pornographers and protesters.

Is there a scarier opening paragraph than one which threatens you with rights?

Distance Politics

Following is a bit from something I found after reading this and trying to figure out what the deal was. Follow the link for more.

I called Richard to tell him that he had won the Republican nomination. There was a long pause. He said that he was flattered, but in order to avoid injective "personalities" into the campaign, he would stay in Hawaii. I agreed to form a campaign committee to do the dirty work for him. I thought of the best talent to utilize for a man who--after all--is to take care of the dirt problem in the state, and called on Jon Gallant, a geneticist at the University of Washington, Gene Johnston, and old newspaper writer and commentator on KRAB, and herb Hannum, the only mystical architect I've ever met or heard of. Between the four of us, we fabricated a campaign.

We had seven weeks in which to get our candidate's name in front of the public. Since we weren't about to spend the $100,000 necessary to win public office, we decided on press releases--some whiff of freshness, as compared to all the gunk sent out by other uh . . . REAL candidates.

Our first press release went as follows:

Richard A.C. Greene, Republican candidate for Land Commissioner, fired his opening salvo in what promises to be a ferocious campaign, demanding that the state of Idaho annex a large part of Eastern Washington, especially Spokane.

"The so-called Inland Empire is a trackless waste contributing nothing to the Evergreen State but rattlesnakes and nitwits," Greene thundered from his headquarters in Honolulu. "I'd offer that sandpile to Idaho and if they didn't accept it, I'd invade. It's high time Washington had a foreign policy anyway."

Greene, who knocked off four opponents in the G.O.P. primary with the ingenious strategy of leaving the country, levels no criticism at Democrat incumbent Bert Cole, who has no noticeable foreign policy. "Cole is simply too good a man for this job," opined Greene. "I'd like to see him move on to something more challenging."

The author is apparently Lorenzo Milam who appears to do lots of interesting things all over the place, not least here.

Gruel: Too Nutritious?

I get an undeserved shout-out here, which is nice, but the virtue in the post is the fun to be had at Dinesh D'Souza's expense when he argues that government services should be shitty to allow rich folks to purchase advantages that the poor can't have. Seriously.

I Worry About Dry Heat Saunas

This is about as terrific a piece of law as you could ask for:

None of the amounts appropriated or otherwise made available under this act may be used for any casino or other gambling establishment, aquarium, zoo, golf course, swimming pool, stadium, community park, museum, theater, arts center, or highway beautification project, including renovation, remodeling, construction, salaries, furniture, zero-gravity chairs, big-screen televisions, beautification, rotating pastel lights, and dry heat saunas.

More of Why Jonah Goldberg is a Worthless Asshole

I think we all remember Goldberg's scaremongering.

Here's a video I never wanted to see:



Main story here.

It's unlikely the ad hoc militia dumbasses in the video pay much attention to Goldberg, so there's that, but hey, you never know, and it's not like he wouldn't have wanted to pass along his message to these folks...

I Need a New Name

I'm tired of this one. A long time ago there was a Rename Retardo thread at Sadly, No! and I contributed these:

Mr. October
Awlay Rofessorpay
Homo Irockita
Habeas Dorkus
William Redquist
AJP Gaylord
Axis of Weevils
Substance McGravitas
Serious O’Thoughtful
Major General Respectable Van Yesiagree
History’s Greatest Munster
A Boy Named Francine
Cookies for Everyone!
I Like Pie!
Harcourt Brace
Chuck U. Farley
Iron Fistula
Red and Expert
The Man from Nantucket
Nostrildamus
John Q. Pubic
The Sound and the Furry
Corinthian Leatherneck
The Great White “HELP!”
Land of 1000 Dunces
The Puffington Host

I haven't even touched the JanusNode yet...but I kind of like Serious O'Thoughtful.

It's a Harsh Realm Dude

Some stupid asshole at Big Hollywood writes:

What really bugs me is, I’m not that political. I have political opinions, yes. But my politics can’t be fit into any one category. My politics is that I hate politics. Both parties have screwed up this country in some way. So I’m an independent. Always have been. I’m basically a libertarian, but I don’t agree with everything libertarians believe. I’m conservative in some areas, liberal in others. Basically, I’m my own man. Why should I bow down to anyone’s agenda if I don’t agree with everything? Why should anyone? No side is 100% right. We’re all human and that means none of us have all the answers. Yet some people today will attack you if you dare to say anything not on that invisible list of stupid ideas they call leftism. Dare to disagree and you’re likely to be called all kind of nasty things. Maybe even ostracized in some fashion.

I have here in my hand an invisible list of two hundred and five precepts that were known to Karl Marx as being crucial to the Democratic Party and which are still working and shaping the ridicule of people who are meaner than you. And according to these precepts you are a big crybaby.

Things Are Going So Well That We'll All Be Rich

Michael Barone on his party's future:

But my examination of the exit poll results and county-by-county election returns has led me to conclude tentatively that [Republicans] going upscale is the right move. As David Frum has pointed out, we're going to have more well-educated and millennial-generation voters in the future and fewer less-educated and Baby Boomers (among whom McCain ran even).

So, Republicans are banking on the fact that education works, therefore they should aim at the elite instead of yokels?

One Step Behind

Pam on the Pajamas Media debacle:

Can you imagine if I were given 20% of what was invested in PJM? I am one person. No assistants, no interns, no editors, nuthin. I would have had bands of free men roving the world reporting into Atlas central. TV, video, newsletters, action alerts, campaign headquarters -- serious ass whuppin.

Yes I can imagine, Pam, yes I can:


Also, let me ruin this song: