Your Redemption Within Reach

Burt Prelutsky has decided that since liberals lost the election they need to shape up. To this end he has constructed a comprehensive 12 Step Program.

First, though, they have to acknowledge that Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, John Murtha, Dick Durbin, Charles Rangel, Harry Reid and Charles Schumer, are not moderates, but, rather, leftists with a Socialist agenda.

Okay, there's Step One. Because it is First. Right?

WRONG.

Furthermore, they must recognize that the New York Times, the Washington Post, the L.A. Times, CNN, the three major networks, the news magazines and the New Yorker, are not objective in their reporting of political events, and neither are Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann and Bill Maher, in their commentary.

This last is surely Step One, you would say to yourself if you were not a hippie anarchist. Yet this fantasy you who pays close attention to Burt Prelutsky is somehow also wrong.

Step #1: It is high time that every American be guaranteed the right to speak freely. It is not reserved solely for left-wing college students who wish to take advantage of the first amendment to shout down conservatives. At the same time, they must not construe the conservative’s right to dismiss them as arrogant idiots as censorship.

Faked out! Not Step One but Step #1 because you need to see that little number sign to warn you that A Digit Approacheth, Stupid! In any case free speech is NOT ABOUT SPEAKING FREELY. No construing neither.

Step #2: Affirmative action argues that African Americans and Latinos are intellectually inferior and are unable to compete academically unless other students are handicapped because of their race.

At this Second or Fourth Step you might well wonder "Are these really steps? Actual twelve-step programs give direction and aren't just a list of things that the program head is cranky about." Someone is construing and should shut up and watch this drive.

Step #3: Liberals always claim to be in favor of higher taxes, agreeing with Bill Clinton that the government invariably spends money more wisely than those who actually earn it.

Ha ha! Burt's got my number! My number three or five. Mind you, Mr. Breitbart is blowing money on Big Hollywood whereas the government could be funding exciting new research and pornography.

Step #4: Even the most secular of liberals seems to believe that Jimmy Carter is a saint.

This cult must be eradicated. Without a strong belief in St. Carter no liberal could enact COMMUNISM.

Step #5: Stop insisting that all wars are bad.

Attention liberals: all wars are now stinky. Moving on.

Step #6: Repeat after me, “Separation of church and state” exists nowhere in the Constitution.

Well, here we have another actual instruction you may follow. Our Step Count is therefore 6 or 8 or 4 or maybe 5, depending. Burt knows enough to KEEP LIBERALS GUESSING.

Step #7: Stop using the word “big” as a pejorative.

YES! STOP THAT LIBERALS!

On the other hand, big government, which so many liberals simply adore, represents a usurpation of the allegedly inalienable rights of individuals.

ONLY CONSERVATIVES MAY USE "BIG" PEJORATIVELY!

Free speech: complex issue or SHUT UP?

Step #8: Acknowledge that the United Nations is, in the main, an aggregation of venal diplomats who live high off the hog in New York City while representing the most corrupt and vicious regimes in the history of the world.

The Maltese may be lying low, but soon the rivers will RUN BROWN WITH MALTEDS!

Step #9: Do not keep insisting that at a time when nearly all the large scale evil in the world is being perpetrated by Muslims that racial profiling is anything but a sensible approach to airport security.

Please ignore the pale Yalies.

Step #10: Stop trying to pretend that illegal aliens are the same as legal immigrants just so you can claim the moral high ground and accuse those of us who are opposed to open borders of being racists.

Who wants the moral high ground anyway? NICE PEOPLE?

Step #11: Once and for all, stop forgiving murderers.

Everyone enjoys a nice smoke after forgiving a murderer, but some of you people are up to two packs a day.

Step #12: Stop bashing the U.S. military and the Boy Scouts.

Free speech: SHUT UP or SHUT UP?

The only reason you have the ability to shoot your mouth off is because men and women braver and better than you sacrificed life and limb for your right to do so.

Anyone who mentions the ACLU will BE GIVEN AN ADDITIONAL STEP.

Step #13: Let us all agree that while being a woman, a black, a Jew, a Catholic, a Mormon or even a gay, for that matter, should in no way preclude anyone from being elected president of the United States, none of those things constitutes a very good reason to vote for someone.

Way to go, smartass. He had to go to EVEN A GAY.