A Limerick

There once was a young man called Sven
Who’d been OCD since way back when
He’d count peas on his plate
And make wall-hangings straight
And this kind of thing would drive him nuts.

Update:

An obsessive-compulsive named Rex
Was a slave to his syndrome's effects
He'd wash hands night and day
And then got carried away
On a stretcher after he read this part of the limerick and threw himself under a bus.

Gosh Those Nicknames are Fun

Ace sez, on a stupidly long comment thread,

"Yeah, he nailed me, but misquoting a post in which I call Pelosi 'Granny Rictus McCadaverImplants' as a parody of the left's fondness for writing 'Chimply McHalliburton.'"

After which things are more entertaining.

What is even more sad and pathetic than Ace and Godlstein/G-dlstein spending hours posting here is that someone else may have pretended to be them and spent hours posting here..............And Ace....I like to call Bush ChimpyMcFlightsuit R.L. | 01.04.07 - 11:27 pm | #

I like to call Bush ChimpyMcFlightsuit Son of the Nerd? The Nightmare of the Handlers? Chokeonchip Preppytex? Jughead O'Spooninmouth? Crusader Robbit? Righteous Bubba | Homepage | 01.04.07 - 11:36 pm | #

I prefer the first AWOL cokehead, myself. ~ ifthethunderdontgetya³² | Homepage | 01.04.07 - 11:42 pm | #

I like to call Bush ChimpyMcFlightsuit Son of the Nerd? The Nightmare of the Handlers? Chokeonchip Preppytex? Jughead O'Spooninmouth? Crusader Robbit? Commander Codpiece? Chimperor? Galactic Dustbin | Homepage | 01.04.07 - 11:43 pm | #

Commander Codpiece? Chimperor? Now Number Two Son? Cronysaurus Blex? Cheneybot Pissysnit? Righteous Bubba | Homepage | 01.04.07 - 11:51 pm | #

Lord Clutchpearls? UnCurous George? Alabama Top Gun? Galactic Dustbin | Homepage | 01.04.07 - 11:59 pm | #

The Military Optional? Nick McName? Quagmire O'Drunkalot? Righteous Bubba | Homepage | 01.05.07 - 12:04 am | #

Swirly McClutchbucket? Endo D. Di Nasti? Skip Outney? darkblack | Homepage | 01.05.07 - 12:10 am | #

Mission Unpossible? Drunkenstein's Munster? Faghate McGaylover? Righteous Bubba | Homepage | 01.05.07 - 12:14 am | #

PS. Spelling mistakes aside, he really, really, really wants to avoid being called 'Junior' Junior McJuniorpants. kc | Homepage | 01.05.07 - 12:44 am | #

Baco T. Shortbuss? Thurston Felch McCavitty IV? Junior June Eeyore? darkblack | Homepage | 01.05.07 - 12:54 am | #

Strategochump Van Dough? Bornonthird Losethegame? Simian McSnotto Yokeltard? Righteous Bubba | Homepage | 01.05.07 - 1:17 am | #

Embarrassing or Otherwise?

Your decision. The Poor Man, however, cannot be upstaged. Thanks to The Editors for the chance to be hoist by my own petard. Again.

Scandal!

Need to print something out. To avoid wasting ink I reset the colours:



Then after I'm done, I go to Sadly, No! What do I see?



A fucking piece-of-shit logo, that's what I see.

Goddamn you all to hell!

Man is She Dense.

Come on.

One of the main things that draws me to writing about something is the desire to make fun of people who are taking themselves too seriously, like those bloggers who were so dorkily proud to be lunching with Clinton.

This right after a pretty-please vote-beg.

Vote The Moderate Voice, for the sake of mockery everywhere.

Accountability

I've been thinking a little bit - a very little bit, so apologies in advance for saying something everybody has said better - about accountability. With all the pooh-poohing about the inherent deceptiveness and badness of blogging, it seems a little weird that there exist two mechanisms for accountability in blogging that the media haven't had, for the most part:

Comments
Links

This is changing of course, as people abandon or embrace static content for discourse, but a decent blog will have comments and people who link to posts on it if the posts are decent.

Neither of these things is an arbiter of truthiness, but comments in particular are really valuable, as people will call you on your bullshit or correct you on your errors if you're trying to shovel it past them. This is still not real accountability, as idiots can post, comment, link, and censor with impunity but I think dishonesty is ordinarily pretty easy to recognize.

In any case, this is a far greater accountability than pundits generally have to deal with, so suck on it, finger-wagglers, until you have the decency to exchange ideas with your readers instead of deliver them. Comments also necessarily deal in the dreaded incivility. You'd think that saying "this idea is stupid" (as long as reasons are laid out) would be a welcome thing, given the recent misadventures undertaken as a result of everybody important being too chicken to confront a dangerous idiot. There's always a little heat with the light.

So welcome the bloggers. Only the ones with comments though. And give the incivil a big wet kiss. We hate that.

A Poem By My Four-Year-Old

People on the news
Make snafus.

God's a Shit

Found a copy of "To a Baby Born Without Limbs" from The Anti-Death League by my favourite cranky Tory Kingsley Amis:

This is just to show you who's boss around here.
It'll keep you on your toes, so to speak,

Make you put your best foot forward, so to speak,

And give you something to turn your hand to, so to speak.

You can face up to it like a man,

Or snivel and blubber like a baby.

That's up to you. Nothing to do with Me.

If you take it in the right spirit,

You can have a bloody marvelous life,

With the great rewards courage brings,

And the beauty of accepting your LOT.

And think how much good it'll do your Mum and Dad,

And your Grans and Gramps and the rest of the shower,

To be stopped being complacent.

Make sure they baptize you, though,

In case some murdering bastard

Decides to put you away quick,

Which would send you straight to LIMB-O, ha ha ha.

But just a word in your ear, if you've got one.

Mind you DO take this in the right spirit,

And keep a civil tongue in your head about Me.

Because if you DON'T,

I've got plenty of other stuff up My sleeve,

Such as leukemia and polio,

(Which incidentally you're welcome to any time,

Whatever spirit you take this in.)

I've given you one love-pat, right?

You don't want another.

So watch it, Jack.

Extra Althousian Denseness

Rarely has a thread been so thoroughly demolished. Excellent work.

Altmouse Replaces Firedoglake!!!!11!1!1!!

Breaking news! A nobody snubs one and elevates another!

Frankly I have a use for the word "cunt" - my sole use on a woman was to the face of someone who was treating my mom like a slave in a really unbelievable way and I was pretty mad - but the whole FDL weirdness seemed so mean-spirited and gangish that I don't much want to hang out there. I like mean people, but to be so full of it that you say "You don't rate that kind of placement on our blog"... Kind of a turn-off.

As far as the politically correct angle goes, well, I still think calling a woman a bitch is a grievous insult, but as someone funnier than me recently wrote (and who I forgot the name of) maybe cunt is the new bitch and we'll be cunting up a storm in a decade or so.

But ending on a good note...Altmouse's wheel is squeaking again and it seems a lotta folks are supplying grease.

I'm At Peace

Many thanks to John Galt. Really!

Dynasty was Socially Responsible

I love me some soaps about average-looking limeys working dead-end jobs. Turns out the American model is, like, better, according to people who disapprove of things.

What if They WIn?

There are, after all, plenty of people who get called names. On the internet, for instance.

Okay, I Got Challenged

So I'll pick on some poor schlub to do my part.

Meet the New Boss

It's a new era in Washington, that's for sure.



A big thank you to Josh Marshall for being the boss of a useful operation.

First, They Came for My Satellite TV Provider

Seems Those Iraqis Don't Want Foreign Troops Around

Who knew?

My Cat Ate My Pez.

The little fucker.

Free Time

See Thers.

I Love the Wikipedia

Oy Vey

Banning burqas seems like a stupid idea AGAIN. They're pretty obviously a nasty tribal method of oppression, but if someone wants to wear 'em for fetish night they get arrested?

Don't Know Why I Do It But I Do

Every now and then a little trolling just feels right. And if it's over on Pam's site you know you're not going to really harm anyone who isn't already out of their mind.

Meet the New Boss

Jack Murtha on CREW's watch list. Just sayin'.

UPDATED:

And sure enough, the Today show (November 15, 2006) pulled out the ABSCAM footage and talked about the Murtha family getting a lot of mileage out of Washington connections.

Should This Make Me Blow Out Snot?

Because it, like, does.

Lileks: Slow Learner

Via Roy, regarding the 2006 elections:

"...if I were an Iraqi I wouldn’t necessarily be booking a spot in the line to the embassy roof, but I’d be checking price and availability." -- James Lileks

Contrast with:

U.N.: Nearly 100,000 Iraqi refugees flee monthly to Syria, Jordan

By ALEXANDER G. HIGGINS, Associated Press Writer

Sunday, November 5, 2006 1:10 AM PST

GENEVA -- Nearly 100,000 Iraqis are fleeing each month to Syria and Jordan, forcing the United Nations to set aside its goal of helping refugees return home after the U.S.-led invasion, officials said Friday.

That Went Well

Voters deserve a pat on the back.

Three Limericks

From comments here:

There once was a pastor named Ted,
Who was caught with a man in his bed.
He ran to his closet,
To make a deposit,
But came out with Ken Mehlman instead.

blogenfreude | Homepage | 11.02.06 - 2:19 pm | #

A nit-witted pastor called Haggard
Thought Jesus would not bless a laggard
So he went and said yeth
To a pipe full of meth
And ended up totally faggered.
Righteous Bubba | Homepage | 11.02.06 - 3:26 pm | #

A ripe and lascivious twink
Had Pastor Ted look at his dink
"It's plump thick and red,
And can keep me well-fed.
Enough of this, come sink the pink!"
Me | 11.02.06 - 10:12 pm | #

Quote of the Day

If you can't get past the first sentence of your article, what hope is there for you or your editor?

Destroy the Infibell

I was in Philadelphia at about the same time that Atrios posted something about the insane security situation involving the Liberty Bell. Thanks to some curious relatives I got to experience it first-hand. I have never before taken my belt off to enter a museum, nor have I waited that long to enter (though I'm told it was a good day). Yessir, a real lesson in liberty.

As a chaser, I didn't have to go ogle the constitution, but I did get a taste of the state of it:

















If you can make it out, that's a 9/11 exhibit advertised right beside "We the people."

Music

Ann Bartow is Awful

Yikes.

I first bumped into her while she was upset about David Horowitz being contracted to "D-Ho". She's gotten worse.

And Speaking of Feminism...

Via Sadly, No! we find a piece by Mike S. Adams with the dumbest fucking simile ever:

These magazines will be almost as rare as a feminist orgasm if the Democrats take over.

There are those who claim there is no value in promiscuity. I recall once arguing on behalf of skill. Obviously I forgot something simpler: knowledge.

I Never Understood the Whole Oyl for Food Thing

It never seemed humane in the first place.

Mark Foley: Serial Counselee

According to the source, the church offered Foley counseling in the matter, which Foley accepted. He plans to begin that counseling after completing treatment for alcoholism.

Busy busy busy. Once his alcoholism's cured surely the church will find his homoness a snap. Or maybe he could be gay, but, you know, just not do anything about it ever.

We shall see. The wisdom of going into the slaughterhouse where you lost your hand for a lesson in surgery is questionable.

Knowing

Billmon writes, while dealing with US ignorance of what the hell's up:

Even the British, renowned for the caliber of their imperial civil service, usually operated in stunning ignorance of the people and cultures they ruled over, certainly so in the case of the Arab world. Which is probably why they, too, were so often taken by surprise -- by the Sepoy Mutiny, the Battle of Isandlwana, the Easter Rising, the Iraq revolt, Palestinian resistance to Zionism, the list goes on and on.

The difference, though, is that we live in an age in which it is easier than it ever has been to know things. Billmon's point is that empires tend to ignorance of conquered-therefore-inferior peoples, but when acquiring the rudiments of a subject is so insanely easy I'd expect that informed imperialists would be a dime a dozen.

Hitchens via Atrios via Ezra Klein via an Excellent Comment

Hitchens foresaw "a war to the finish between everything I love and everything I hate."

That would be all the distilleries in the world beating the crap out of Mother Teresa.

Posted by: calling all toasters | Oct 12, 2006 7:52:25 AM

People Sure Are Interested in Torture

I'd never really explored Washington Monthly. Torture advocacy doesn't make me interested in exploring more.

Well.

Blogger's going funny again.

Bye Bye CBGBs

Via Boing Boing.

That place was a dump and the stage was too small.

Lotus Notes Sucks

Has anybody mentioned that Lotus Notes sucks?

But the two men share something important to the past and future of Microsoft: technological brilliance. As the inventor and principal executive behind Lotus Notes in the '80s and '90s, the 50-year-old [Ray] Ozzie is considered one of the best software minds on the planet. In its day, Lotus Notes was among the most popular applications in corporate America. In 1997, Ozzie started Groove Networks, a company – like the one behind Lotus – created to help office workers collaborate electronically. Microsoft bought Groove in April 2005 for $120 million, and Ozzie signed on as a top executive in Redmond.

Okay, I'm using a product that hasn't been under this guy for quite a while, but efforts on Notes appear to involve saving the big shitpile from its bloated clunkiness.

E-mail

If You Act Like a Jew You'll Encourage the Nazis

Hmm.

Second minister enters veils debate

Press Association
Sunday October 8, 2006 2:08 AM

A second Government minister has entered the debate over Muslim women who veil their faces, with a warning that they risked provoking "fear and resentment" which played into the hands of the far right.

Aren't you doing the far right's bidding by stating this? Don't get me wrong: I'm as intolerant of religion, specific ones even, as the next lout. Still, what people choose to wear, assuming they're choosing, is not the government's business.

Eno/Byrne

Excellent video from the best album ever.

Path to 9/11 Just as Faithful to the 9/11 Commission

Despite this.

Dick Fucking Cheney

Limerick Time

A member of congress named Foley
Was secretly kind of cornholey
He was after boy pages
Regardless of ages
And then blamed it all on the Stoli.

The Hazards of Spicy Foods

Eat a lot of nachos with spicy salsa close to bedtime and dream Jonah Goldberg is your boss. Seriously.

Cool Alert

Just saw a hijab/cleavage combo on a student.

No, Not the Good-Looking George...

A headline from Time raises some questions, my first being...which political masterstoke preceded this one?

Absolutely Awful

Republican evil courtesy of TPM.

A Cartoon

Not many cartoons about villanelles.

Just Do It

Regarding all this nonsense, I think it's worth noting that as a somewhat absent-minded man, I frequently do not know what I am wearing or how I look from minute to minute, day to day, week to week, and so on. That's not necessarily a brilliant way to live, can be disadvantageous, and needs to be addressed from time to time, but there's a real measure of serenity involved in being able to Do Things instead of Worrying About How I Look Doing Things. Who should be denied such serenity if they want it? Whether I'm wearing my tuxedo, codpiece or gorilla suit, nobody bugs me about it, and I'm grateful. People should be able to share my wealth.

The Old Blogroll

Why do I have these blogs blogrolled? I like them, for one, but I actively read them each day. I visit my page, highlight them all and open links in new tabs.

Case by case then:

alicublog

Mean.

Atrios

Mean.

Attaturk

Mean.

Billmon

Mean.

Boing Boing

Fun.

Crooks and Liars

TV.

Firedoglake

Mean.

Google News

News.

Pharyngula

Mean.

The Poor Man

Mean.

Roger Ailes

Mean.

Sadly, No!

Mean.

Talking Points Memo

News.

TBogg

Mean.

Thers

Mean.

Sympathy from the Devil? Nope.

I was listening to NPR this afternoon and there was John Hagee being interviewed by Terry Gross. Wrote this down on a post-it because when Hagee said it it seemed extraordinary, but the guy poops this stuff out all the time. Anyway, referring specifically to Hurricane Katrina: "All hurricanes are acts of God because God controls the heavens."

Cranky in Rome

Someone at kuro5hin is upset:

For the worst pizza in Rome, you have to start from the Piazza San Pietro. Face the Basilica, and take the exit from the piazza to your right, fighting your way through crowds of alabastor Americans, as if you were going around to the entrance to the Vatican Museums. At the traffic lights, turn right. The second pizzeria on the right is the one you are looking for. It's called The Swiss Guard, after the clowns who guard His Holiness.

Observe the local customs of creating pizza. Firstly, the base must be thin and dry, and slightly burnt on the bottom. In contrast, the upper surface of the base must be uncooked and as slushy as freshly defouled snow. The tomato sauce must be painfully sweet, denoting its transubstantiation from a powder. The mozzarella must be melted, yet carefully unbrowned - this would add flavour. The prosciutto must have the unhealthy pinkness of a freshly picked scab. No herbs, no pepper, and certainly no salt are added; this would completely ruin the desired sensation of eating medium density fiberboard. Considering that I travelled to Rome primarily because of its reputation for culinary excellence, I must say I was slightly disappointed. The holiday got worse from that point.

Etc.

Pope a Dope

The new pope seems to be a little bit dumb, which I guess is to be expected being a pope and all, but public figures have to watch their mouths.

Still, it'd be nice for public figures to be able to say things about Islam without nitwits shooting nuns and all.

Sweet Satisfaction

Just when you think everything's gone to hell, you find some lemon jello in the fridge. And then you name one of your twins after it.

Porn Defeated

Inside the Mind of James Lileks

9/11 and Personal Conflict

I know someone who makes TV appearances related to 9/11, because a relative died. Every now and then, another appearance and another pledge to maintain the shrine of so-and-so.

The weird part is there's no shrine of so-and-so, and no obvious evidence in the house to show that so-and-so ever existed. There's a replacement for so-and-so, and the family has quite rightly moved on.

Yet a fantasy is generated for the cameras in which this or that of so-and-so's is wept over here and adored there.

I can't tell people how to mourn because it's wrong, I'm awful at it anyway, and the tragedy's a tragedy no matter how you slice it. But my skin crawls.

Is This Better or Worse than "Heckuva"?

Things That Fit on a CD

Since I don't have anything of note to write about, why not music, or a random sampling thereof. This is the last CD I burned for in-car listening:



Method of choosing? Random four or five-star songs, duplicate artists omitted. Seems to be heavy on the oldies, but that's what happens. Part of my problem is a library that I rate as I go: there are many thousands of unrated songs. I may get to a pristine library before death.

Ratings system:
***** I never get tired of hearing this
**** I'm perfectly happy with this but I don't want to hear it all the time
*** Could be better, but offers pleasure
** I'm keeping this around for some reason
* Delete me

The ratings system is purely functional and has nothing to do with a song's cultural or critical worth, thus freeing me from guilt that I'm not listening to Merzbow or the Velvet Underground often enough.

Hard Work, Some Might Say Crazy or Insane or Whacko Work, Pays Off

What's the Opposite of the Sensible Technocrat?

I don't think I understand this argument from Atrios. Although I'm pretty positive I disagree with Brad DeLong about economic policy being more left than he is, this is an argument about expertise. The Sensible Technocrat is an ideal: someone who makes policy based on knowledge. If your argument is that the Sensible Technocrat is not to be trusted, that's an argument against the body of knowledge the technocrat uses, isn't it?

I'm for pragmatic policy. If your argument is that it isn't working, then that's not pragmatic policy and you're not arguing against it.

What a fucking dumbass:

Do you think on the whole, has feminism done more ill than good to America?

Mansfield: Yes, I think it has. Feminism has two main concerns. One is women’s careers, and the other is getting women equal in regard to sex. And it’s in the latter that feminists have done the most damage. But I think we could have welcomed women into the workforce without feminism, and that if we had things would be much better now. But the feminists came along with their notion of creating new identities for women. They thought that this would require that women be as adventurous in sex as men are.

So they made a very strange alliance with sexual liberation and went ahead to play a game that really is a man’s game, the game of sexual conquest. And so they’ve abandoned any standard of sexual morality for either women or men because they were so opposed to the double standard of sexual morality.

Hee Haw Lives

This song meanders through my brain every now and then...the particular joke it's affixed to is always irrelevant...

Completely Crazy

Die for the fatherland!

"I also read three Shakespeares."

Me too. The first one was good, the second one not so good, but man, that third one. Man. Had to clear me some brush I got so worked up.

(Shakespeare in Arabic's a pretty good-looking word, and would make a nice shirt: شكسبیر )

WorldNut

Brown people will rape our women.

Living in Bizarro World

Thoughts on repression from Daniel Larison:

Speaking of impolitic thoughts, a more interesting counterfactual scenario for me would be whether the CSA, had the Confederacy successfully broken away, would have felt obliged someday to intervene to deliver the miserable Yankees from the yoke of consolidation, wage slavery [!!!!!!!] and corporate corruption.

Exclamation points added.

Nostalgia

It's this sort of thing that makes me miss Altmouse so much. Not being one of the cool ones I dunno who was responsible, but Thers catches that starry-eyed amazement that Althouse manifests when confronted with the commonplace. Should I be more jealous of Althouse's blissful wonderment or Thers and his ability to put sentences together?

Sorry for Calling You Nigger

Even the Indians have heard about George Allen.

WASHINGTON,DC: Twenty-year-old University of Virginia engineering student SR Sidarth was video-taping incumbent Republican Senator George Allen’s campaign speech when the politician singled him out of a crowd of over 100 and called him “macaca”, a veiled reference to a Macaque, a type of monkey found in Asia. He has since apologized saying he did not know the meaning of the word “macaca”.

That's a pretty shitty apology, but Allen appears to be a pretty shitty man.

The Return of Melinda Barton

Melinda Barton is using Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins as examples of extremist atheists. Sam Harris had the temerity to assert that there was no God.

While Sam's making a claim he can't really back up, big deal. It's a safe and irrefutable bet.

Nobel Laureate's Books Rendered Bad

Günter Grass was a Nazi. The bad kind. His books are therefore impossible to tolerate, or so goes the current theory.

Ned Lamont, Doomsday Weapon

If I was Pat Buchanan I'd fire Ned Lamont at the Chinese.

Enough Time for a Drink

Comment of the Night

Then debate me, mike hunt!

Sadly, the Teen Was Not Quoted

That's That Taken Care Of

Alternate History

If the West hadn't kept poking its nose in after WWII, the Middle East would be a giant Arab Nazi empire!

It's like The Man in the Lowbrow Castle or something.

Opera

Opera is nifty in comparison to IE6. That's about it though, as Firefox has so many different extensions that a reasonably savvy user can make it better than any one existing package.

Opera might be good to put on your mom's machine.

Wal-Mart Leaves Germany

Another blow to incivility.

Why the failure?

One example of that might be that Wal-Mart's American managers pressured German executives to enforce American-style management practices in the workplace. Employees were forbidden, for instance, from dating colleagues in positions of influence. Workers were also told not to flirt with one another.

A German court ruled last year against the company's attempt to introduce a telephone hotline for employees to inform on their colleagues.

High labor costs may have been a big hurdle for Wal-Mart Germany, as well as workers who tried to resist management's demands which they felt were unjust.

One Wal-Mart employee told the newsmagazine Der Spiegel that management had threatened to close certain stores if staff did not agree to work to working longer hours than their contracts foresaw and did not permit video surveillance of their work.

Wal-Mart Germany has had several run-ins with the trade union ver.di, which represents retail store workers.

It'd be nice to think it was all due to the recognition that they're shitty to their workers, but in fairness the article says they seem to have been the shits at selling stuff there.

We're Wild!

Sad.

Killer Art

'People fell out' as wind took blow-up sculpture
Monday July 24, 2006

Witnesses today described how a giant inflatable sculpture was picked up in a mild wind and collapsed over a park in County Durham, killing two and leaving 13 injured.

Classic Rock Forward

'Imitation IPod' Invades Radio

By Dave Demerjian

In the two years since Jack FM radio made its debut in the United States, the majority of U.S. radio stations programming the "imitation iPod" format have seen healthy, sustained gains in listeners. The format is a rare bright spot for the major radio broadcast chains, which are fast hemorrhaging listeners to real iPods and satellite radio.

Defined by wide-ranging playlists and unusual combinations of songs from different genres and eras, Jack has been likened to an iPod set on shuffle.

Dear god. Has nobody noticed that it's "extended" classic rock? Just a minor era shuffle?

I really miss unrestrained Top 40 radio, in which some stupid metal band could face off against twangy yokels or lounge singers. I suppose college playlists come close to that kind of range, but it's mostly anemic white boys, which I like, but you know...

Anyhoo I suppose I have to post some song list which will prove I'm old and unhip. A random set of highly-rated iTunes:

She Watch Channel Zero ?! - Public Enemy
Everything Is Everything - Lauryn Hill
Names - Cat Power
Cold Ethyl - Alice Cooper
Tea Party - Stephin Merritt
Ziggy Stardust - David Bowie
Ain't That A Shame - Fats Domino
Swimming Ground - Meat Puppets
Under the Anheuser Busch - Billy Murray
Goin' Out West - Tom Waits

Nice to Find a Snotty Sentence Here and There

"The civilized world has asked little of Mississippi since William Faulkner's passing, but signs of a pulse in the state legislature would be refreshing."

Alan Contreras, AACRAO's Guide to Bogus Institutions and Documents

The Illmatic is Back

Finally.

AltBoyle

ADDED: Roy thinks I'm objecting to Boyle's politics. He specializes in calling me an idiot, in numerous posts, but he never seems to begin to understand my writing. Here, he comes to the defense of writers. But do writers even want to be defended by a man who is such a poor reader?

Snort. Boyle writes about the very same issues in his fiction as in the objectionable interview. Poor reader indeed.

Idle Hands Put to Good Use

It stands to reason that a king should be able to massage anyone he wants, especially in his own domain. It's also important to remember that even if you're the most important king in the world, that still doesn't mean that you're king of the whole world. Rubbing up against another nation's queen is a bad idea unless you intend an alliance-by-marriage, so think hard before you try that one again. (It's worth noting that if gay marriage will make all social conventions go kablooey, then you get to marry whoever and whatever you like as much as you like: thought is required.)

I recommend you acquire a slave for rubbing purposes. Many might be pleased at the precedent. There's also a ready supply close at hand, with a transport system ready to go if you need slaves at short notice wherever in the world you might be ruling. Requisitioning individuals seems to be a whimsical matter in any case, so why not turn a lemon into lemonade? Requisition some babes instead of sourpusses and keep those hands where they belong: on your property.

Dyslexia

Can't get this out of my head.



Posted it at Sadly, No! and spelled dyslexia wrong. Frustrating.

You Go Girl!

What's Better than the Thousand Nights and a Night?

It's hard to describe how amazing the Thousand Nights and One Night are.

I first took a stab at them following along the snobby recursive post-modern path, reading too much Borges and Barth, both of whom were smitten, and so I figured I should take a stab at it.

The only edition I own is a four-volume Powys Mathers translation of an intermediate French text. If you're interested in questions of authorship, translation, blah blah blah, it's hard to compete with a work of stories within stories within stories assembled over centuries by many unknown authors, translated well and poorly over the years and finally translated into English from a source that is not only not original but with additional text inserted. I can't remember exactly which bit (flying snakes? diamond valleys? golden deserts guarded by ants the size of foxes?), but I recognized a story from Herodotus (or rather that Herodotus heard) in there.

And after that, you get a work that, Bach-like, both defines the rules of the game and takes liberties with them.

One of the things I've always been obsessed with (along with everybody?) is firsts: first story, first life, first cause, etc. For a while I thought I was looking for a first story by reading things like the bible, Homer, myths of all sorts, but I think I have to be content with the idea that these kinds of primal stories are not founded on some perfect pillar of a first story but that the "primal stories" are inevitable and illustrative of the wiring of the average individual then and today. What first story could be satisfying?

Anyway, all I'd intended to write was that a particular book fulla stories was teh neato, and I've blabbed on and on to the apparent conclusion that given a bunch of stories you get a map of a person's brain. Way to go Mr. Obvious. The most jaw-dropping part of the book to me is the verse, which is all cleverly rhymed and metered, from Arabic to French to English. Baffling and awe-inspiring. But I'm too lazy to type it. So consider the following for flavour, from Polish to English, from polymathic Stanislaw Lem to wizardly Michael Kandel, in which two inventors are arguing about a poetry-writing machine:

"Have it compose a poem--a poem about a haircut! But lofty, noble, tragic, timeless, full of love, treachery, retribution, quiet heroism and in the face of certain doom! Six lines, cleverly rhymed, and every word beginning with the letter s!!"

"And why not throw in a full exposition of the general theory of nonlinear automata while you're at it?" growled Trurl. "You can't give it such idiotic--"

But he didn't finish. A melodious voice filled the hall with the following:

Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed.
Silently scheming,
Sightlessly seeking
Some savage, spectacular suicide.


~ from The Cyberiad, originally written in Polish and translated by Michael Kandel into English

Valiant and unlazy typing stolen from here.

Firefox Fabulousness

Middle-click on the "back" button and get the old web-page in a new tab.

"Can" and "Should" Are Different

Why Not Write About Israel?

Jesus Christ, what am I thinking with a subject line like that?

A Big WTF

Joe Klein, biographer of Woody Guthrie? How can that be?

Chickenhawkery

Sadly, me too:

1. Righteous Bubba said,

   July 13, 2006 at 2:04

   Left-wingers who don’t read the entire articles shortened here are chickenhawks not willing to head into the danger dealt with by our fine boys like Captain Travis. Snort.

2. Kathleen said,

   July 13, 2006 at 2:13

   I am perfectly happy to let Travis fight them over there, so we don’t have to read them over here.

Fuck You, Jeeves

In further laziness, I read Thank You, Jeeves by PG Wodehouse. [Get a load of that link! If a crumbling nation of corrupt depressives can get behind Wodehouse, uh, something something something.] What a piece of utterly un-life-changing shit. There was a brief while when I fantasized a modern filming of it, or at least the blackface scenes, imagining the exquisite squirming of an appalled audience, and that caused me to snicker. It seems somebody took a shot at it already, but back in the days when such things caused less gasping.

I tend to prefer characters to exhibit some kind of humanity instead of robotic tics, even in fantastical situations. Makes funny bits just that. Less Disco Stu and more Ralph Wiggum. No more Wodehouse for me.

The Chairs

Saw Eugene Ionesco's The Chairs recently as well, nicely handled. I'd only read his work previously and seen nothing staged. Nice when something funny on the page actually makes it on stage. It always shows me that I have not yet learned how to properly read a script: seeing the things come to life is a shock because I've never really imagined the characters walking around a physical space.

Vacation Hijinx

I saw a lotta movies this week, all four of which I enjoyed, which proves something about suckerdom or how fucking fantastic the movie industry really is. Which is more likely?

Anyway, the most embarrassing first: I enjoyed Superman Returns, though the Spacey hump-stab was disturbing. Loads of little things to quibble about, but the big complaint was...if you're gonna set your hero up as a god, what the fuck's the deal when he's absent? Every canoodle with Kate meant some burned baby or squashed grandma somewhere, so get a move on, underwear pervert, or at least mention it in passing you amoral fuck. Oh, and the kid? Read this. Nevertheless, enjoyable.

Brick was really fun, although I went with someone who dropped a bomb: she'd never seen The Maltese Falcon. Consequently she giggled a lot less than I did. It must mean something when one's enjoyment of a movie depends very much on one's enjoyment of another movie, but I figure I would have been entertained anyway. Is Ulysses a standalone good read? I dunno, I've always avoided it. Ridiculous high-school noir? I'll drop dollars for that.

Thank You For Smoking was a lot of fun with sympathy developed for Mr. Tobacco Lobbyist. The thing is, idiots in movies are always easily disposed of and clever people sympathetic. Was anyone really rooting for justice in The Last Seduction? No, you wanted to see the smart person put one over on all those dummies. I await a movie about a clever German collector of vintage furniture post-Kristallnacht, or maybe a droll and graceful Khmer Rouge executioner. Those victims'll be such fools it'll be a pleasure to see them exterminated for profit/ideology. But hey, movies don't kill people, people kill people, and Bugs Bunny was always plenty sadistic in my favourite cartoons.

Last I saw A Scanner Darkly, which I looked forward to/dreaded. I thought Waking Life was a very polished turd, so exceptionally polished that I wanted the technique applied to a movie that was, you know, good. And lo, A Scanner Darkly is good. I've always thought that Philip K. Dick was a hack who somehow got addled enough to fool people into the illusion of talent (I've read a few of his books, including this one which I'd completely forgotten) and the slacker talk Linklater has pushed in the past ordinarily makes me heave, but they smack together in a surprisingly tight way. The miserable circumstances of the characters lives are rendered watchable and gorgeous by the technique, and there's more of a plot than I expected, meaning less jiggery-pokery about the nature of reality than feared. The funny bits were funny. I love that previous sentence. One caveat: Keanu Reeves is somehow no longer convincing when he plays someone with a faulty brain. You can ordinarily rely on the guy when he's playing stupid/ignorant/confused, but this time no go really. He should start exploring the psychology of malfunctioning emotionless robots, and he'll hit his stride.