Better Living Through Chemistry

While certainly the intellectual achievements of Substance Labs™ will live forever, recent articles in magazines found at supermarkets suggest its proprietor may not. Investigative research inquiries suggest a number of ways with which to deal with the problem of eventual lifelessness — no thanks at all to the proprietors of a competing blog, whose suggestion of life extension via use of a time machine to confiscate drinks and smokes and factory-assembled meat products from prior selves resulted in fistfights and one paradox-inducing heart attack. Contracting out deprives us of local innovation in any case.

So on to our immortality formula, assembled from scratch over the course of most of an afternoon with the care for precision and sterility one can ALWAYS expect from Substance Labs™ and not from the competition whose toilet-paper dispensers produce only ONE SHEET AT A TIME, a problem for those with normal fibre intake.



Once completed, or near enough for a first go, a test subject was required, and fortunately the neighbourhood is well-supplied with little girls who have some free time on the way to grandma's house. One tasty experimental potion later and voila!



Preliminary results indicate an enormous increase in durability and stamina at the expense of speed, intellectual ability, and reduction of desire for anything other than human flesh.



So we are well on the way to success!