Eye Roll Special

JOHN adds: This is a time, sadly, when scoundrels are in control in Congress. Slander is what they do best.

Attention: Plummeting and Gravity are Somehow Related

A Chilling Vision of the Future

After destroying America's economy George W. Bush is driven from office. His own fortune swallowed in a Ponzi scheme originated by Vice-President-in-Perpetuity Cheney (Bush was last to join) and his parental allowance cut off until he pays the country back for breaking its window, Bush seeks employment, knowing Social Security will not be there to bail him out. Lacking talent, experience, skill in the English language or good will from anyone who can place his face, he finds the job market unforgiving.

Job 1: The Payroll Loan Cashier
Bush works long evenings alone in a glass booth in the loaning cash at exorbitant interest rates to the desperate, a job he keeps for months as his customers are too defeated to complain about the contempt he holds them in. He is eventually robbed, soiling himself when confronted with a gun. The day-shift uploads the surveillance video to YouTube and Bush quits.

Job 2: The Telephone Solicitor
Unable to coherently read his script aloud, Bush alarms several elderly individuals who call Homeland Security. Bush's employers take time out from insurance rip-off promotion to point and laugh when officers apply modest physical pressure to their soon-to-be-fired employee in an attempt to gather information relating to whatever they make up on the spot.

Job 3: The Blogger
After one post, the complete text of which is a title reading "is this werking hello hello", Bush abandons this surefire route to riches. The librarians are relieved not to have "that guy" hanging around any more.

Job 4: The Sandwich-Board Clowner
Bush wears a rainbow wig and clown nose with a sandwich board advertising Tailfins, a car-wash featuring bikini-clad young women. The owner of Tailfins realizes quickly that bikini-clad women would be better at advertising bikini-clad women, and Bush's brief and unsuccessful tenure is cut short thanks to market efficiency.

Job 5: The Salter
Among other chores, Bush applies salt to French fries at a Wendy's. He is warned and then fired after customer complaints follow his experiments with a so-called "Salt and Awe" technique. After briefly threatening to become the Assaulter, taller men persuade him to leave.

Asshole Present and Accounted For

Disturbing, If True

This is Not Convincing

Chastened

Let Me Through! I Can Help!

I'm an aromatherapist!

Divine Kiddie-Rape

I suppose it's easy to agree that some Christian churches get some things more wrong than the Roman Catholic Church does, that is if you buy any of the main assumptions in the first place, but which major Christian church has been so poor in preventing the insertion of its clergy's extremities into children? Mote or beam, buddy, mote or beam?

School of Hard Cock-Blocks

Why can't I be married?
Being married means you have a sentimental commitment, and at Zamorano we expect students to be focused on their studies. We do not want him/her to think about what is happening elsewhere, or about people who could be depending on him/her financially. In summary, his energy and responsibilities should be aimed at successfully completing his degree.

Just for fun:

The Pan-American Agricultural School, better known as Zamorano, was born of the inspiration and through the support of Mr. Samuel Zemurray, President of the United Fruit Company in the United States of America.

The Wikipedia on the UFC.

With regard to the title above the proprietors must acknowledge that blockage of the vaginal region may theoretically be assumed for women as well, however they, in their purity and innocence, do not like sex.

Gee, Things Were Different Back Then?

Boo hoo.

Preserved Coloured in for Posterity

Actual page here but the page as of this posting is below.



I suppose I should mention that Jonah Goldberg is an ass who is astonishingly easy to make fun of.

Puppet Government

Elmo is the only Muppet ever to testify before the U.S. Congress. At the request and with the assistance of Rep. Duke Cunningham, he testified before the House Appropriations Subcommittee on Labor, Health and Human Services and Education in April 2002, urging support for increased funding in music education.

The George W. Bush Presidential Library

This thread on Fark got me thinking.

I envision an open-air design:

The Last Tree

L'Arbre du Ténéré, known in English as the Tree of Ténéré, was a solitary acacia, of either Acacia raddiana or Acacia tortilus, that was once considered the most isolated tree on Earth — the only one within more than 400 km. It was a landmark on caravan routes through the Ténéré region of the Sahara in northeast Niger — so well known that it is the only tree to be shown on a map at a scale of 1:4,000,000. It was located at approximately 17°45′00″N 10°04′00″E / 17.75, 10.066667.

This tree was struck not once but twice by vehicles and has been moved elsewhere, replaced with a metal sculpture. Follow the link to see pictures of the terrain and marvel that you and yours are allowed near machinery.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Daughter: [farting noises]

Me: When are you going to stop farting?

Daughter: In April.

Pegged! Tagged!

Oh lord.

Eight facts about me:

1. I'd really rather talk about anything but me

2. Other people would really rather talk about anything but me.

3. Self-loathing is an art, but self-loving is a pastime.

4. I don't want no scrubs.

5. I convinced a very smart girl that grapefruit left on the tree became explosive if over-ripe and that's why people hired illegal aliens to do the work.

6. I can play the theme from Star Wars on any instrument.

7. I have thrown many things from tall buildings.

8. My dad took me back-stage to see Tommy Hunter when I was little and I cried.

Mitt Romney, Dog Torturer

God I love election season.



That last comment is a beaut.

The Radiant Future

I use Foxlingo for translation purposes. It's awesome.



Many language choices.



Loads of translation engines for the popular languages.



Less choice and chancier results on, say, Turkish for instance.

Jesus, What a Tricky Fucker

For this is the only gospel we've ever seen that shows Jesus laughing at his disciples—because they have distorted his message and gotten it so wrong.

The oops that lasted 2000 years.