Monday, March 30, 2009

Laugh Attack

Funnywoman Julia Gorin:
Ever notice how as the threat of global terrorism reaches a crescendo, so apparently does the threat of global climate change?
No.

Suffer:



Suffer more:



The audio is charmingly out of sync on that last one. I'm thinking of snagging the video, fixing it, and reposting it to YouTube because the participants should never ever live it down.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Friday, March 27, 2009

Problems

Seeing the president on TV a lot is just like seeing Paris Hilton on TV a lot. How can Obama avoid blowing Rick Salomon?

Also Democrats are much like roaches, but worse. Articles such as these prove conclusively that the white male is the Jew of Liberal Fascism.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Persian Version

Jack Bauer Meets Barack Obama
by Diana West
The following takes place in an unseen episode of "24."
Um, no shit.

A mind-boggling assault of stupid follows, largely about Iran. It's worth reading. A bit near the end is terrific:
The President: "Thank you all. That was great. I've been wanting to do that for a long time. Now, when is the Islamic Republic of Iran's actual Independence Day -- or whatever they call it? Maybe we can send them a cake, or pie, or something."
How utterly damning.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Christ! The Horror!

Image and video hosting by TinyPicImage and video hosting by TinyPic


President McCain I mean.

Send This Man Money

Thai 'Spider-Man' to the rescue

An unusual disguise has helped a Bangkok fireman rescue an eight-year-old boy who had climbed on to a third-floor window ledge, Thai police say.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Veronica DiPooppoo

A crazy fucking weirdo named Veronica DiPippo writes:
The story of Og and Bog would have no place in hypothetical history were it not for the fact that, apparently, Og went on to father Homo sapiens (“knowing human”) while Bog went on to father an entire subspecies known as Homo sibi destruens (“man destroying himself”). Though they appear physically identical and share a majority of cognitive abilities, Homo sibi destruens (“HSD”) is decidedly different from Homo sapiens in one critical area: they are unable to absorb the lessons of history.

Standouts of this subspecies can easily be spotted governing countries, running the 111th Congress, starring in films, chairing U.N. committees, controlling the White House and keeping the flames of socialism and communism flickering the world over.
Crazy shrooming visions aside, the lesson I see is IT'S ALL ABOUT RACE, PAL.

Found in the Six-Year Old's Bed

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Ha Ha!



It's funny because the torturer already has the guy immobilized on a board and we all know that's torture anyway!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Satisfaction



Look, let's be serious: few things give me more satisfaction than slurping on a Chubby. What could make that Chubby better? Tell me that Chubby's an Orange Swish Chubby and my throat is yours forever.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Off Adventuring

Gone for a week or so.

Consider, if you will, ADULT Wii GAMES.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Science Says Europe Sucks

A precis of Charles Murray's 2009 Irving Kristol Lecture at the American Enterprise Institute's Annual Dinner:
America's current leaders seem to be leading us down the path to European-style social democracy. But although it makes for pleasant lives
Oh?
the European model stifles human flourishing and erodes the civic and cultural institutions and habits that make for a vibrant, sustainable, and satisfying way of life.
Oh.
Moreover, critics of the European model are about to get a boost from scientific discoveries in neuroscience and genetics that human nature is not malleable, which will undercut the foundations of social democracy.
Indeed: the Charles Murrays of the world should not be treated as equals because they are dense.
The answer: American exceptionalism, in which individuals freely unite to construct a civic culture.
The answer is WE'RE AWESOME!

Not convinced? Let us leave the dry and flavourless summary and hear, from the man himself, PROOF THAT EUROPE SUCKS:
Last April I had occasion to speak in Zurich, where I made some of these same points. After the speech, a few of the twenty-something members of the audience approached and said plainly that the phrase "a life well-lived" did not have meaning for them. They were having a great time with their current sex partner and new BMW and the vacation home in Majorca, and saw no voids in their lives that needed filling.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Popularity

Look:
Republicans say President Obama is spreading himself too thinly on popular initiatives, while Americans suffer under the burden of a collapsing economy.
Bring forth the unpopular initiatives:

1. Doughnut tax.
2. Ear-splitting Tuesdays.
3. Newspaper taxis made of real ham.
4. The French Are Better Than Us Day.
5. Mandatory attendance at the George W. Bush "Why I Was A Good President" Lectures

Too Bad

BAGHDAD (AP) — A court convicted an Iraqi journalist of assault Thursday for hurling his shoes at George W. Bush and sentenced him to three years in prison, prompting an outburst from his family and calls for his release from Iraqis who consider him an icon for a nation decimated by war.


[...]

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

What Would Make You Think of Zimbabwe?

Absolute Power is Absolutely Boring

If Burt Prelutsky was boss he would:

1. Censor movies
2. Do something about baseball
3. Fire an unspecified amount of politicians
4. Make sure some other people he doesn't like are somehow humiliated
5. Try George Soros for Nazi collaboration
6. Make people shut up about the Fairness Doctrine to thwart all those powerful Democrats he just fired

Most of this doesn't sound too bad I guess, and the fact that there currently isn't a pressing need for the government to do anything about anything - I checked! - means I'd be willing to give Burt a spin.

I look forward to his thrilling speeches.

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!

America's Favorite Humorist:

Erma Bombeck?
Mark Twain?
David Sedaris?
Will Rogers?
Patrick McManus?
Garrison Keillor?
Bill Cosby?
There we go.

Nostalgia

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Roll Play

Praise be to the weird/strange RSS feed for it gives us an advice column you will never encounter again:
Dear Lauren: My husband and I are in our early 40’s and have been married fifteen years. We have jobs, two kids, and just like every other couple these days, have a mound of bills to pay. I consider us a normal, American family. In the last few months, my husband and I have been, “experimenting”, in the bedroom. Instead of just regular sex, we’ve been watching porn, roll playing, and playing some games.
Okay okay, she asks if she's weird, and in the answer:
Who’s to say that Barack and Michelle Obama don’t roll play, that Nora Roberts and her husband don’t watch porn, or that your next door neighbors don’t play wild sex games after they tuck their kids in at night?
Roll play: it's what's for dinner.

I tried to post a comment but the BAKED-GOOD FUCKERS BLOCKED ME FOR INAPPROPRIATE LANGUAGE!!!

A Comedy Milestone

This is less funny than Julia Gorin.
Tokyo Rose LaHood: You Want The Change
by Tim Slagle

Hello Republicans, This is your old friend Tokyo Rose LaHood. I want to take this moment to say hi to all my fellow Republicans whom I love so dearly.

Don’t you feel silly in your little foxholes, fighting for a cause you cannot win? Europeans are laughing at us. We were the nation that put a man on the moon, and yet we think health care has to be paid for. You are making us the laughing stock of the world.
And so forth. I gather the funny part is that, uh, forget it.

Opportunity Knocks

UC Berkeley leaders warn of cuts
By Matt Krupnick
Bay Area News Group
Posted: 03/10/2009 04:48:19 PM PDT

UC Berkeley leaders warned today of drastic cuts to campus operations, including layoffs and other staffing reductions.
When you're facing a $70 million shortfall maybe letting Mr. Torture go gets easier.

Monday, March 9, 2009

A Real Man Speaks

Glenn Beck thinks it's obvious Obama's a socialist:
Continuing and expanding socialist policies doesn't make you a capitalist.
He closes with a call to action:
Who Barack Obama really is should now be pretty obvious. But maybe that's the wrong question to ask. Maybe what you should be asking is, who are you? What do you believe in? And, most importantly, what kind of America do you want to live in?
Take THAT Thomas Sowell.

The threat that faces us:

Identity Issues



Thanks for clearing that up, YouTube. Hyuk.

UPDATE!

Rod's a Dick

Rod Dreher's a hideous person of course, but DJW says something that needed saying. Dreher's imaginary small-town paradise is hell for young homosexuals and he wants it that way.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

More Old Video

Just making sure I remember to keep Debbie in mind.



Oh, and Confederate Yankee:

Friday, March 6, 2009

Your Redemption Within Reach

Burt Prelutsky has decided that since liberals lost the election they need to shape up. To this end he has constructed a comprehensive 12 Step Program.
First, though, they have to acknowledge that Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, John Murtha, Dick Durbin, Charles Rangel, Harry Reid and Charles Schumer, are not moderates, but, rather, leftists with a Socialist agenda.
Okay, there's Step One. Because it is First. Right?

WRONG.
Furthermore, they must recognize that the New York Times, the Washington Post, the L.A. Times, CNN, the three major networks, the news magazines and the New Yorker, are not objective in their reporting of political events, and neither are Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann and Bill Maher, in their commentary.
This last is surely Step One, you would say to yourself if you were not a hippie anarchist. Yet this fantasy you who pays close attention to Burt Prelutsky is somehow also wrong.
Step #1: It is high time that every American be guaranteed the right to speak freely. It is not reserved solely for left-wing college students who wish to take advantage of the first amendment to shout down conservatives. At the same time, they must not construe the conservative’s right to dismiss them as arrogant idiots as censorship.
Faked out! Not Step One but Step #1 because you need to see that little number sign to warn you that A Digit Approacheth, Stupid! In any case free speech is NOT ABOUT SPEAKING FREELY. No construing neither.
Step #2: Affirmative action argues that African Americans and Latinos are intellectually inferior and are unable to compete academically unless other students are handicapped because of their race.
At this Second or Fourth Step you might well wonder "Are these really steps? Actual twelve-step programs give direction and aren't just a list of things that the program head is cranky about." Someone is construing and should shut up and watch this drive.
Step #3: Liberals always claim to be in favor of higher taxes, agreeing with Bill Clinton that the government invariably spends money more wisely than those who actually earn it.
Ha ha! Burt's got my number! My number three or five. Mind you, Mr. Breitbart is blowing money on Big Hollywood whereas the government could be funding exciting new research and pornography.
Step #4: Even the most secular of liberals seems to believe that Jimmy Carter is a saint.
This cult must be eradicated. Without a strong belief in St. Carter no liberal could enact COMMUNISM.
Step #5: Stop insisting that all wars are bad.
Attention liberals: all wars are now stinky. Moving on.
Step #6: Repeat after me, “Separation of church and state” exists nowhere in the Constitution.
Well, here we have another actual instruction you may follow. Our Step Count is therefore 6 or 8 or 4 or maybe 5, depending. Burt knows enough to KEEP LIBERALS GUESSING.
Step #7: Stop using the word “big” as a pejorative.
YES! STOP THAT LIBERALS!
On the other hand, big government, which so many liberals simply adore, represents a usurpation of the allegedly inalienable rights of individuals.
ONLY CONSERVATIVES MAY USE "BIG" PEJORATIVELY!

Free speech: complex issue or SHUT UP?
Step #8: Acknowledge that the United Nations is, in the main, an aggregation of venal diplomats who live high off the hog in New York City while representing the most corrupt and vicious regimes in the history of the world.
The Maltese may be lying low, but soon the rivers will RUN BROWN WITH MALTEDS!
Step #9: Do not keep insisting that at a time when nearly all the large scale evil in the world is being perpetrated by Muslims that racial profiling is anything but a sensible approach to airport security.
Please ignore the pale Yalies.
Step #10: Stop trying to pretend that illegal aliens are the same as legal immigrants just so you can claim the moral high ground and accuse those of us who are opposed to open borders of being racists.
Who wants the moral high ground anyway? NICE PEOPLE?
Step #11: Once and for all, stop forgiving murderers.
Everyone enjoys a nice smoke after forgiving a murderer, but some of you people are up to two packs a day.
Step #12: Stop bashing the U.S. military and the Boy Scouts.
Free speech: SHUT UP or SHUT UP?
The only reason you have the ability to shoot your mouth off is because men and women braver and better than you sacrificed life and limb for your right to do so.
Anyone who mentions the ACLU will BE GIVEN AN ADDITIONAL STEP.
Step #13: Let us all agree that while being a woman, a black, a Jew, a Catholic, a Mormon or even a gay, for that matter, should in no way preclude anyone from being elected president of the United States, none of those things constitutes a very good reason to vote for someone.
Way to go, smartass. He had to go to EVEN A GAY.

Gary Graham Still Auditioning for Renew America

In addition to other silliness, the predoubtable Mr. Graham writes:
The President, as evidenced by the recent election, is a master salesman. The Salesman-in-Chief. Unfortunately for Mr. Obama, Wall Street is not buying. They are having a tough time wrapping their collective heads around the concept that the way to juice the economy is to plunge the nation into a staggering multi-trillion dollar debt.
Everyone knows that the solons of Wall Street are very careful with money which is why everything is perfect.

The Greatness of Me

Larry Kudlow uses an entire column to reprint mail from an Important Person telling Larry Kudlow how great it would be if Larry Kudlow continued doing exactly what Larry Kudlow is doing because Larry Kudlow is awesome.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Saturday Morning Watchmen

Curiosity and Discovery

While trying to track a package I stumbled across the UPC Database. Look:
This free service is run as a hobby of mine.
Okay then. Thanks! Seems to lean somewhat to the Bert side of the Bert-Ernie Fun Continuum, so [loses train of thought] Okay, let's enter BUTT. Ha ha! [Whoa, ENTER BUTT!]
Switch Black Euro Push Butt
Skunkweed Chunky Butt Funky CD
Sensafirm Beginner Butt Plug
3M IDC communication Connectors UY BUTT CONN JELLY
IDC UR-R BUTT CONNECTORS
Boudreaux's Butt Paste
JM CASE READY BUTT/SHANK LSWA
SH BUTT-SHANK PORTION HAM
LOREAL COULUER EXPERTE BUTT
G/N Butt Mini Rice Cake
Beavis And Butt-Head: Butt-o-ween
BGM4 4 BUTT GAUGE MARKER
PIK-A-NUT 20-24 Gauge Waterproff solder filled Butt
ORTHO WEDGE CUSHION/WAGAN TECH
JAMES HAM BUTT PORT
Kick Butt Kombo
Cat Butt Gum - Peppermint
Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996) 10th Anniversary Edition
Beavis And Butt-Head Do America (CHECKPOINT)
Beavis & Butt-Head Do America
Most satisfying.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Readers of Comics Should Not Be Mocked

Truly there is no reason at all to laugh at the fanboys.



Have I read every X-Men-related comic there ever was? I do not know but I am trying. (Well, not entirely true, there were some non-continuity Rob Liefeld things that I just skipped an
[Certain pixels in this post were eaten by the cat. My apologies.]

Nationalize Atlas Shrugged!

It's the rational thing to do.

Lookit this creepy thing:



That is part one of SEVENTEEN videos dramatizing the Galt speech. It's a long speech, so who the fuck knows how many videos are yet to be realized.

Oh what the hell, here's #17:


Views for part one? 72140 as of this writing. 361 for part 17.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Old Stuff

Seems to have vanished from Google Video, so here, suffer through it again:

Not the Headline I Would Have Chosen

Attack on Sri Lankan cricket team plunges game into chaos

Cogitational Super Powers, Activate!

Thomas Sowell asks if talk is cheap:



Well, I'm stumped.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Cheap Jokes Made Even Cheaper With Technology

Bitches Ruined Dirk Benedict!

It's true!
Of course, [Benedict's] roguish skirt-chasing characters became popular just as Hollywood was undergoing a significant cultural shift: Women were beginning to find a place in Tinseltown. “As more and more women became executives,” he says, “they loved me and they hated me. But when they got power, there was a great joy in being able to tell me what to do when I came in to audition. I think maybe they all had a guy in their past that had some of that in them, and it was revenge.”

(Baby with Candy) - Baby = Candy for Me

Crazy assholes with a bong always come up with some dumb fucking idea. And then there are crazy assholes without bongs:
Happy Birthday to You! [John J. Miller]

Today is the birthday of the late Dr. Seuss. (Have you seen Google yet?) He certainly wasn't a conservative. The Lorax is a parable of anti-capitalism and The Butter Battle Book is a peacenik's morally equivalent take on the Cold War. Even so, I've always maintained that his book I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew is deeply anti-utopian. Others have extracted a pro-life rallying cry from Horton Hears a Who: "a person's a person no matter how small." And a few have detected anti-socialist themes in Thidwick the Big-Hearted Moose.
There is a smidge more available at the link. Masochists only.

I'm "Scared"



Consider below: "He stops exciting things from happening!" Would that it were true of the last eight years ma'am.